Theme Songs for Viagara Commercials Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in a recently held Viagra Advertising Board meeting. I am a Rock -- Paul Simon Suddenly -- B. Ocean A Hard Days Night -- The Beatles Please Mr. Postman Can't Buy Me Love (Now you can. -- The Beatles Do That To Me One More Time -- Captain and Tenille Everlasting Love -- The Bee Gees Take Me Out To The Ballgame Let Your Love Flow -- L. E. Williams Longer -- Dan Fogelberg No Ordinary Love -- Sade Help Me Make It Through the Night Love Takes Time (about an hour wait - according to Pfizer) -- Mariah Carey The Power of Love -- Celine Dion The Things We Do For Love -- 10CC We've Only Just Begun -- Paul Williams Have You Never Been Mello -- Kris Kristofferson Girls Just Want To Have Fun -- Cindy Lauper When I'm 64 -- The Beatles

Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You 20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in." 19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass. 18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?" 17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire. 16. Only moans during commercial breaks. 15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay. 14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends. 13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York. 12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show. 11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead. 10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda." 9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance. 8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file. 7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too. 6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?" 5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating.... 4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along. 3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better. 2. She yells out her own name 1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin

Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional 13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab. 12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA. 11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer. 10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch. 9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise. 8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation. 7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer. 6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore. 5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities. 4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down." 3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum. 2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey. and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional... 1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.

Things Men Shouldn't say out loud in Victoria's Secret 10. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! 9. No thanks. Just sniffing. 8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind. 7. Mom will love this. 6. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it? 5. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here. 4. Will you model this for me? 3. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that! 2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!! ... And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's secret: 1. Does this come in children's sizes?

Things Adults learn from Kids 1 There is no such thing as child-proofing your house 2 If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite 3 A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape 5 It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room 6 Baseballs make marks on ceilings 7 You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on 8 When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit 9 A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 10 The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan 11 When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late 12 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it 13 A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies 14 A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day 15 If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes 16 A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep 17 Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old 18 Duplos will not 19 Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence 20 Super glue is forever 21 McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know 22 Ditto Tarzan 23 No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water 24 Pool filters do not like Jello 25 VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do 26 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes 27 Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving 28 You probably do not want to know what that odor is 29 Always look in the oven before you turn it on 30 Plastic toys do not like ovens 31 The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time 32 The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy 33 It will however make cats dizzy 34 Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy 35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry 36 A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (mostly in retrospect)

Yep Vacation is over and I am back! Had an awesome time in Europe!! Diet Rules For Cheaters Funny If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

If Men woke up with a Vagina 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina.... 1. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!!!