Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You 20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in." 19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass. 18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?" 17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire. 16. Only moans during commercial breaks. 15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay. 14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends. 13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York. 12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show. 11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead. 10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda." 9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance. 8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file. 7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too. 6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?" 5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating.... 4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along. 3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better. 2. She yells out her own name 1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin

Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional 13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab. 12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA. 11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer. 10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch. 9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise. 8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation. 7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer. 6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore. 5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities. 4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down." 3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum. 2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey. and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional... 1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.

Things Men Shouldn't say out loud in Victoria's Secret 10. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! 9. No thanks. Just sniffing. 8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind. 7. Mom will love this. 6. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it? 5. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here. 4. Will you model this for me? 3. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that! 2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!! ... And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's secret: 1. Does this come in children's sizes?

Things Adults learn from Kids 1 There is no such thing as child-proofing your house 2 If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite 3 A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape 5 It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room 6 Baseballs make marks on ceilings 7 You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on 8 When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit 9 A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 10 The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan 11 When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late 12 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it 13 A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies 14 A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day 15 If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes 16 A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep 17 Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old 18 Duplos will not 19 Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence 20 Super glue is forever 21 McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know 22 Ditto Tarzan 23 No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water 24 Pool filters do not like Jello 25 VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do 26 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes 27 Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving 28 You probably do not want to know what that odor is 29 Always look in the oven before you turn it on 30 Plastic toys do not like ovens 31 The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time 32 The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy 33 It will however make cats dizzy 34 Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy 35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry 36 A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (mostly in retrospect)