Theme Songs for Viagara Commercials Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in a recently held Viagra Advertising Board meeting. I am a Rock -- Paul Simon Suddenly -- B. Ocean A Hard Days Night -- The Beatles Please Mr. Postman Can't Buy Me Love (Now you can. -- The Beatles Do That To Me One More Time -- Captain and Tenille Everlasting Love -- The Bee Gees Take Me Out To The Ballgame Let Your Love Flow -- L. E. Williams Longer -- Dan Fogelberg No Ordinary Love -- Sade Help Me Make It Through the Night Love Takes Time (about an hour wait - according to Pfizer) -- Mariah Carey The Power of Love -- Celine Dion The Things We Do For Love -- 10CC We've Only Just Begun -- Paul Williams Have You Never Been Mello -- Kris Kristofferson Girls Just Want To Have Fun -- Cindy Lauper When I'm 64 -- The Beatles

Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You 20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in." 19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass. 18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?" 17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire. 16. Only moans during commercial breaks. 15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay. 14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends. 13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York. 12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show. 11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead. 10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda." 9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance. 8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file. 7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too. 6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?" 5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating.... 4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along. 3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better. 2. She yells out her own name 1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin

Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional 13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab. 12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA. 11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer. 10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch. 9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise. 8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation. 7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer. 6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore. 5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities. 4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down." 3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum. 2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey. and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional... 1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.

Things Men Shouldn't say out loud in Victoria's Secret 10. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! 9. No thanks. Just sniffing. 8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind. 7. Mom will love this. 6. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it? 5. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here. 4. Will you model this for me? 3. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that! 2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!! ... And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's secret: 1. Does this come in children's sizes?

Things Adults learn from Kids 1 There is no such thing as child-proofing your house 2 If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite 3 A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape 5 It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room 6 Baseballs make marks on ceilings 7 You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on 8 When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit 9 A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 10 The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan 11 When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late 12 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it 13 A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies 14 A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day 15 If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes 16 A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep 17 Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old 18 Duplos will not 19 Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence 20 Super glue is forever 21 McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know 22 Ditto Tarzan 23 No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water 24 Pool filters do not like Jello 25 VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do 26 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes 27 Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving 28 You probably do not want to know what that odor is 29 Always look in the oven before you turn it on 30 Plastic toys do not like ovens 31 The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time 32 The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy 33 It will however make cats dizzy 34 Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy 35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry 36 A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (mostly in retrospect)

Yep Vacation is over and I am back! Had an awesome time in Europe!! Diet Rules For Cheaters Funny If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

If Men woke up with a Vagina 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina.... 1. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!!!

Some Really Cool Thoughts Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? How do blind people know when they are done wiping? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. The older you get, the better you realize you were. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? What do they do with all the American flags when a state is added? They can't burn em. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? Who wakes up the wakeup-call guy? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? How funny would phones look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears?

Ways to prepare for Ski Season This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski. Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared: 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. 7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler. 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

15 Inspirational Posters We'd Like to See Funny 1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing everyone who opposed them. 2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. 3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. 6. Plagiarism saves time. 7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself. 9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves. 10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. 11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! 12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. 13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. 14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. 15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Why ask Why Funny Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why do noses run and feet smell? Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

The Computer belongs to a Redneck if... Funny 1. The mouse is referred to as a critter. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-Rom drive. 4. There is a gunrack mounted to the CPU. 5. The password is "Bubba." 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them. 8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast. 9. The extra RAM slots have parts for a '76 Dodge Aspen installed in them. 10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options. 11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wav's. 12. The monitor is up on blocks. 13. Seven blue tick hounds under the computer desk. 14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer. 15. The screen saver consists of Ned Beatty with the dueling banjos playing in the background 16. The six front keys have rotted out. 17. John Deere Pocket Protectors. 18. The only games installed on the computer are "Deer Hunting" and "Bass Fishing with Babe Winkleman" 19. Bumper stickers on the side of the tower stating "I brake for nobody" 20. Copy of his lawsuit against the makers of "Redneck Rampage" claiming that he and his brother never did such a thing.

How to be Annoying Funny * Tell your friends, four days prior to their party, that you can't attend because you're not in the mood. * Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars, to see if they slow down. * Practice making faxmodem noises. * If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. * Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". * Drum on every available surface. * Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape. * Sing the Batman theme incessantly. * Staple papers in the middle of the page. * Ask 800 operators for dates. * Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. * Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. * Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. * Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. * Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". * Set alarms for random times. * Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." * Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. * Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. * Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. * Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted. * Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. * Honk and wave to strangers. * Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. * Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. * Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. * Wear your pants backwards. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. * Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" * Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music". * Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape mode. * ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. * only type in lowercase. * don't use any punctuation either * Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. * Pay for your dinner with pennies. * Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. * Repeat everything someone says, as a question. * Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps. * Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. * Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." * Light road flares on a birthday cake. * Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. * Leave tips in Bolivian currency. * Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". * Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. * At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. * When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. * Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". * As much as possible, skip rather than walk. * Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. * Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. * Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?) * Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. * Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. * Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat. * Drive half a block. * Name your dog "Dog". * Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. * Ask people what gender they are. * Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." * Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. * Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. * Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot". * Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". * Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. * Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. * While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. * Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. * Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. * Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. * Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. * Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. * Chew on pens that you've borrowed. * Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. * Wear a LOT of cologne. * Ask to "interface" with someone. * Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing". * Sing along at the opera. * Mow your lawn with scissors. * At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!" * Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy". * Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". * Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. * Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". * Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't ricket." * Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture". * Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. * Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. * Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. * Never make eye contact. * Never break eye contact. * Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. * Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. * Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. * Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. * Holler random numbers while someone is counting. * Make appointments for the 31st of September. * Invite lots of people to other people's parties. * Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know. * Call in sick, then show up.

Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say Funny 1. "The union president called - he said the pilots' strike starts IMMEDIATELY." 2. "We'll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get there." 3. "My name is Forrest Gump - people call me Forrest Gump." 4. "Hey, Jim, do you remember where we're going?" 5. "Buckle your seat belt - I'm going to try something I saw in a cartoon." 6. "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie..." 7. "Wow, we're sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second engine!" 8. "Only 500 more flight hours, and I'll get my license!" 9. "They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?" 10. "TODAY WE DIE FOR ALLAH!"

Winners of the Brainless Olympics Funny AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence... Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up... An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts... A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy... Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs. A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman MikeCarey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody... A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Rejection Lines Given By Women Funny Rejection Lines Given By Women (and What They Mean) I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.) I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest jerk I've ever laid eyes upon.) My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's ice cream). I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

The Poopie List Top Ghost poopie: the kind where you feel the poopie come out, but the toilet like magic is clean! Clean Poopie: the kind where you poopie, it comes out, you see it in the toilet, you know it's there, but you wipe clean. Wet Poopie: the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped. Second Wave Poopie: this happens when you're done, you stand up, pull your pants up to your knees, and you realize glory is commin' again! "Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead" Poopie: this is the kind where you strain so hard to get it out you practically have a stroke. Lincoln Log Poopie: the kind of that is so HUGE you're afraid to flush it without the plunger handy. The Suprise Poopie: you're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but oops!...wrong..... its a poopie! Corn Poopie: now this is self-explanatory. Drinker's Poopie: this kind you have the morning after drinking. Note: it's two most noticeable traits are...A) its fowl odor, forget the match...a blow- torch wouldn't even cut this stench!.....B) it's the skid marks it leaves at the bottom of your toilet for the next four days of flushing! "Gee-I-Wish-I-Could" Poopie: with this kind you hear yourself chanting over and over.. "i think i can, i think i can". you want to poopie, you know you need to poopie, but you find yourself sitting there til your face is red, you've read 2 novels, and seat marks are left on your butt cheeks, only to smell a couple of whimpy ole farts. The Spinal Tap Poopie: this is where it hurts so bad you swear the stuff is coming out of you sideways! Wet Cheeks Poopie: (aka: THE POWER DUMP!) the kind that comes out with such force, your cheeks get splashed with the water. Liquid Poopie: yellowish-brownish, burning juice....need i say more? Three-Alarm Poopie: smells so bad you do the courtesy flush three times and it still burns your nose.the neighbors four blocks down the road call the gas company to see if there is a leak! Upper-Class Poopie: the kind that, much to your suprise, doesnt smell. in fact you are amazed by the pleasent, fruity smell that has filled the room! Gassey Poopie: poopie so noisy, moc-1 doesnt have a thing on it! and finally...the best...LMAO! The Dangling Poopie: the poopie that, no matter how much you shake and shake, refuses to drop into the toilet!!!!!

Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary Funny "Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass." "I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor." {any guy who claims to be 'really romantic' likely already has a boyfriend of his own...} "I need you" == "My hand is tired." "I am different from all the other guys" == "I had an accident in The War." "I want a commitment." == "I'm getting evicted on Friday." "You're the only girl I've ever cared about" == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." {either that, or he just broke up with his last 'only love' a few days ago} "I really want to get to know you better." == "So I can tell my friends about it." {yes ladies -- guys brag about their conquests, but you gals do too!} "It's just orange juice, try it." == "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." {if she's a blonde, that's perfect!! } "She's kinda cute." == "I want to have sex with her till I am blue." {that's an interesting comment ... do any particular parts turn blue regularly?? you might want to have a doctor look at that!!} "I don't know if I like her" == "She won't sleep with me." "I miss you so much" == "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." {and the roommate works on a sheep farm, so my other options aren't very attractive...} "Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood." {also called the 'did you notice??' response} "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" == "Don't make jokes about Mr. Happy!!" "I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?" "Do you really love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out." {oh, she'll find out guy ... trust me!! sooner or later, you're doomed...} "I have something to tell you." == "Get tested." {I had a phriend who once picked up the phone to hear no sound other than someone clapping their hands next to the receiver. Shure enough, he had it -- the 'clap', that is. Whew -- that'll ruin your day!!} "I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." {Guys, when you get that line, just go ahead and erase them from your address book...} "I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." "I think we should just be friends." == "Your ugly." {Either that, or she's found someone else who hoists that Tent Pole of Love just a bit more robustly in the Carnival of Love ... if you get my drift. I'll betcha $10 that he's got a shaved head, and more tattoos than teeth; wanna bet?? } "I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!"

The Benefits of Growing Older

Funny

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

9. Things you buy now won't wear out.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Diet Rules For Cheaters

Funny

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE:

Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.