Top 15 Complaints of a Modern Day Vampire


15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.

6. No warm blood for miles around DC.

5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."

2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

Why ask Why


Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why do noses run and feet smell?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

New State Mottos


Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona: Dehyd-rific!

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: Please Call Before Visiting So We Can Make Room

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Gateway to Iowa

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: For Sale

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Se Hablo Ingles

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin: Come To Cut Some Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?

Obnoxious Things To Do The Pool


Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.

Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

Hit strangers with your flutter board.

Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.

Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''

Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

Swim near a stranger and go ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.''

Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''

Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.

Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.

Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.

Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around.

Hit strangers with your wet towel.

Throw people's things into the pool.

Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale.

Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

Things That Guys Wished Girls Knew


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.

3. Birthdays, Valentines' Day and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. Get rid of your cat. No, it's not different. It's just like every other cat.

7. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

8. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad probably is too.

9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

10. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

12. A headache that lasts 7 months is a problem. See a doctor.

13. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

14. Have the oil checked.

15. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take "the quiz" from Cosmo together.

16. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 24 hours.

17. If you don't like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

19. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

20. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done. Not both.

21. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

22. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

23. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and its not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

24. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

25. Anyone can buy condoms.

Top Warning Signs of Insanity


-Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

-Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

-You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

-You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

-Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
yourself on it.

-You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
evil dandruff spirits.

-You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.

-Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

-People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

-Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

-You laugh out loud during funerals.

-When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

-Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.

-You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one
day seek revenge.

-You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

-Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
little illusion.

-You collect dead windowsill flies.

-Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

-You like cats. Especially with mayo.

-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

-You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
weren't rescued.

-You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

-Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

-You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

-You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.

-Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

-Melba toast excites you.

The Benefits of Growing Older


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

9. Things you buy now won't wear out.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.