Top Warning Signs of Insanity

-Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

-Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

-You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

-You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

-Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
yourself on it.

-You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
evil dandruff spirits.

-You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.

-Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

-People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

-Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

-You laugh out loud during funerals.

-When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

-Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.

-You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one
day seek revenge.

-You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

-Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
little illusion.

-You collect dead windowsill flies.

-Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

-You like cats. Especially with mayo.

-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

-You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
weren't rescued.

-You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

-Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

-You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

-You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.

-Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

-Melba toast excites you.