Finally a Barbie you can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry slippers.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-erasing cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with mini-van in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Please do not go find any of these cards! I would hate to have to bail you out!!
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
3. You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
3. You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Things not to do at a funeral
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your
contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him
into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be
read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral service in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS!
MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin
for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight
face while praising the deceased.
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your
contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him
into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be
read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral service in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS!
MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin
for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight
face while praising the deceased.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Found this list of funny excuses for being late for work. I know none of you would ever need these excuses... just thought they were cute.
Happy Hump Day everybody.
I had to teach the temps on how to use the equipment.
Do you know how long it takes to give a dollar to every Santa you see?
I was in a meeting. ..... What, you weren't invited? That's messed up.
It's always in crises after another.
I had to show the new worker something.
Your watch must be fast.
Don't be too hasty in judging me and then trying to oust me. If I am found to have done something wrong, then I ask to be forgiven. - Indonesian President Abdurrahman Wahid, who is alleged to have been involved in two financial scandals involving some six million dollars, and who acknowledged that according to the results of the last election, his deputy, Megawati Sukarnoputri, should have been elected president.
The new manager needed some help understanding the reports that were filed by.....
I got pinned down by Charlie.
I wasn't late. I just failed to be on time.
I'm working on getting everyone in position.
I'm very busy at the moment.
I wasn't paying attention.
You never asked any of the other workers that.
Well you see, it's like this...
Funny you should ask.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones
I shouldn't have said what I am reported to have said, and if I did, I apologize. - Jon S. Corzine
Someone wanted to be a farmer; so I gave them a couple of arce's. - From The Last Action Hero
I'm working on the next big thing.
Want to talk about it over a bite to eat?
I fell asleep in the shower.
I ran into a parade.
You didn't call to wake me up.
I didn't want to play the game.
I didn't want to seem to eager.
I hear you're getting a pony.
I was to busy sleeping to be on time.
Let me get back to you.
If I did that, I'd be real surprised.
I'm very glad you asked that question; because that brings us right back to the issue of .....
Is it Spring forward or Spring back?
Could I get back to you?
I'm not late, I'm early for next time. sticking my head in a moose. - Samuel Goldwyn
I had a top level meeting with (Insert name of someone inportant here).
Is it Fall forward or Fall back?
Have you seen my baseball?
I was, uh.....
Could you please repeat the question?
You should have told be to be here on time.
I saw Elvis.
It's not like I'm paid to come here.
I thought time was on my side.
I had to speak to the man in charge.
That's all right, it's not my fault; all I need is some more training.
I had to catch a Pokemon.
I was, well you know...
I couldn't find my clothes.
Happy Hump Day everybody.
I had to teach the temps on how to use the equipment.
Do you know how long it takes to give a dollar to every Santa you see?
I was in a meeting. ..... What, you weren't invited? That's messed up.
It's always in crises after another.
I had to show the new worker something.
Your watch must be fast.
Don't be too hasty in judging me and then trying to oust me. If I am found to have done something wrong, then I ask to be forgiven. - Indonesian President Abdurrahman Wahid, who is alleged to have been involved in two financial scandals involving some six million dollars, and who acknowledged that according to the results of the last election, his deputy, Megawati Sukarnoputri, should have been elected president.
The new manager needed some help understanding the reports that were filed by.....
I got pinned down by Charlie.
I wasn't late. I just failed to be on time.
I'm working on getting everyone in position.
I'm very busy at the moment.
I wasn't paying attention.
You never asked any of the other workers that.
Well you see, it's like this...
Funny you should ask.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones
I shouldn't have said what I am reported to have said, and if I did, I apologize. - Jon S. Corzine
Someone wanted to be a farmer; so I gave them a couple of arce's. - From The Last Action Hero
I'm working on the next big thing.
Want to talk about it over a bite to eat?
I fell asleep in the shower.
I ran into a parade.
You didn't call to wake me up.
I didn't want to play the game.
I didn't want to seem to eager.
I hear you're getting a pony.
I was to busy sleeping to be on time.
Let me get back to you.
If I did that, I'd be real surprised.
I'm very glad you asked that question; because that brings us right back to the issue of .....
Is it Spring forward or Spring back?
Could I get back to you?
I'm not late, I'm early for next time. sticking my head in a moose. - Samuel Goldwyn
I had a top level meeting with (Insert name of someone inportant here).
Is it Fall forward or Fall back?
Have you seen my baseball?
I was, uh.....
Could you please repeat the question?
You should have told be to be here on time.
I saw Elvis.
It's not like I'm paid to come here.
I thought time was on my side.
I had to speak to the man in charge.
That's all right, it's not my fault; all I need is some more training.
I had to catch a Pokemon.
I was, well you know...
I couldn't find my clothes.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
50 things to do on an elevator
1. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, shut up, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stays open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, cotton-pickin' motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
1. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, shut up, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stays open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, cotton-pickin' motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
Monday, January 24, 2011
Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
10. With your wife, visiting her sister.
9. Golfing with the guys
8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend.
7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.
5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.
3. In front of your child's 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher at show and tell time.
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you.
And the number one time never to get a woody is
1. When your best friend, on a guys night out, asks you, "Hey what do you want to do tonight?"
10. With your wife, visiting her sister.
9. Golfing with the guys
8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend.
7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.
5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.
3. In front of your child's 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher at show and tell time.
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you.
And the number one time never to get a woody is
1. When your best friend, on a guys night out, asks you, "Hey what do you want to do tonight?"
Friday, January 21, 2011
Top 10 Things Freshmen Can Expect From Their 1st Year of College
10. Master the art of binge drinking.
9. Learn from other students how to get the calling card Mom and Dad gave you to cover 1-900 charges.
8. Grocery shopping on the change found in the sofa cushions.
7. A steady diet of macaroni & cheese, cereal and Fritos.
6. Quarters are the hottest commodity for laundry, vending machines and drinking games.
5. Alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to grade point average.
4. Weekends start on Thursday.
3. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
2. You'll be able to stay up all night doing nothing and fall asleep in class in two seconds.
And the number 1 things college kids can expect their first year at school:
1. Hornier girls than in high school.
10. Master the art of binge drinking.
9. Learn from other students how to get the calling card Mom and Dad gave you to cover 1-900 charges.
8. Grocery shopping on the change found in the sofa cushions.
7. A steady diet of macaroni & cheese, cereal and Fritos.
6. Quarters are the hottest commodity for laundry, vending machines and drinking games.
5. Alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to grade point average.
4. Weekends start on Thursday.
3. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
2. You'll be able to stay up all night doing nothing and fall asleep in class in two seconds.
And the number 1 things college kids can expect their first year at school:
1. Hornier girls than in high school.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)