Taking my daughter shopping today for school clothes so I thought it was good to share the list!! It is actually my funny list that I found!!
LB


10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter


Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Rules For Women



This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew…



1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.



2. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.



3. Don’t make us guess.



4. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.



5. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.



6. He’s never thinking about “The Relationship.”



7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.



8. Dogs are better than cats.



9. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.



10. Shopping is not everybody’s idea of a good time.



11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.



12. You have enough clothes.



13. You have too many shoes.



14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.



15. Your brother is an idiot.



16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.



17. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.



18. Share the bathroom



19. Share the closet.



20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.



21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.



22. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex in the morning.



23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.



24. Check your oil.



25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.



26. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.



27. If you think you’re getting on the heavy side, you probably are. Don’t ask us.



28. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.



29. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.



30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.



31. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?



32. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.



33. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.



34. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Taking my kids out school shopping to get ready for school!! What fun! I am happy to say that they will be back into school in the next two weeks!! THANK GOODNESS! I love them but really!!!

Parent's Dictionary



Amnesia:
condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Dumbwaiter:
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning:
the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback:
the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name:
what you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents:
the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay:
what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable:
a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent:
how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Ow:
the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Prenatal:
when your life was still somewhat your own.

Puddle:
a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off:
a child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize:
what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Top Bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning:
when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal:
able to whine in words.

Whodunit:
none of the kids that live in your house.

Sorry everyone, normally I would have some one fill in for me when I am sick but this time I was so sick I forgot. Yes it can happen to those who are not blonde!!
Well back on the mend and will faithfully past!!
LB


Silly State Laws


Arkansas:
--A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.

California:
--In, LA, a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
--It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Florida:
--Unmarried women who parachute on Sunday's will be jailed.

Georgia:
--In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
--In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.

Indiana:
--Monkey's are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.

Illinois:
--In Chicago, it is illegal to take a french poodle to the Opera.
--According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American."
--In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet.

Massachusetts:
--It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
--North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns."
--In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.

Minnesota:
--It is illegal to tease skunks.
--Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.

Michigan:
--A State law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her husband.
--Under State law, dentists are officially classified as "mechanics."

Montana:
--In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
--It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.

New York:
--In NYC, "it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his nose and wiggling the extended fingers of that hand."

North Carolina:
--It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds.

Oklahoma:
--Whale hunting is strictly forbidden.
--People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.

Ohio:
--In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
--In Oxford, it's illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a man's picture.
--In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.

Oregon:
--The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.

Nebraska:
--If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.
--It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license

Pennsylvania:
--"Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes."

Rhode Island:
--Its illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.

Tennessee:
--It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
--In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
--In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."

Texas:
--The entire Encyclopedia Brittanica is banned because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
--It is illegal to milk another person's cow.

Utah:
--A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife
in his presence.

Virginia:
--In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
--In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.

Vermont:
--It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
--It is illegal to whistle underwater.
--Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

Famous Booze Quotes
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
--Timothy Walsh

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--Anonymous

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

Just having a morning again!! Wow I am starting to sound like the whiny ass I make fun of!!


Top 10 Sex Tips for Seniors
10. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

9. Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

8. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

7. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

6. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

5. Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

4. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

3. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

2. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

1. Don't even think about trying it twice.

Once again I must apologize for not posting this weekend but had alot of things going on!! Sending prayers for my friend who left to go to Qatar today!! Please keep him in your prayers!! Busy day cause the deadline is looming and need to work alot today!!
LB



Expressions For High Stress Days
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?

3. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

5. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

6. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

7. Do I look like a fucking people person?

8. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

9. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

11. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.

12. You! Off my planet !

13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

15. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

16. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.

17. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

19. I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.

20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

24. See no evil, hear no evil and date no evil.

25. Allow me to introduce my selves.

26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

27. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

28. Better living through denial.

29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

30. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

31. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

32. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

36. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

37. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

38. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

39. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

40. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

41. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

49. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

50. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

51. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

54. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

55. Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."

56. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

57. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

58. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

59. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

60. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

61. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy & medication right now!

62. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

63. Earth is full. Go home.

64. Is it time for your medication or mine?

65. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

66. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

67. I plead contemporary insanity.

68. And which dwarf are you?

69. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

70. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

71. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

72. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

73. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

74. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

75. Gene Police!!! Get out of the pool!!

76. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

So yes I am getting old. I tweaked my back and now and loaded up on Tylenol and sitting in my chair cussing out my body. Oh well!! Going to have some fun this weekend with my family!! Yeah, thinking good food and movie sounded real good!
TGIF


Fun Things To Do Anywhere



Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Sniffle incessantly.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

Check out a novel from the library and write the surprise ending on its first page.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

Ask people what gender they are.

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day..

Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book, claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

So I now think you all sit around and find these funny things on the net while you should be working or you all have a demented sense of humor. Richard, I believe it is the latter for you. I receive about 10000 email's a day with all of these funny things on them and seriously it is hard sometimes to pick and chose form them. You make my job easier and alot more entertaining, so I have decided to have a virtual party!! That right you heard me. Here is how it is going to go. Next Monday at 7am I will be online. Please go to the store over the weekend and get Caviar and Champagne course I am not cheap you know. Then get your nice clothes out or better yet get a new outfit for yourself so you look really good. Then at 7am log on and we will have our virtual party. This is all to let you know how much I appreciate you! For those of you who can not make it I will save you some snacks and I will do it again real soon!
LB


Time-Honored Truths and Universal Laws


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A little inaccuracy saves a lot of explanation.

A penny saved is worthless.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Given a 50-50 chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How terrible a movie is, is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."

If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven't met everybody.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

No one is listening until you make a mistake

Nobody is normal.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One-seventh of our life is spent on Monday.

People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humour are telling you that they have no sense of humour.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Remember that half the people you know are below average.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Success always occurs in private and failure in public

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

The careful application of terror can also be a form of communication.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot..

Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles

What a nice night for an evening.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

You can observe a lot by just watching.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and then used against you.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

You should not confuse your career with your life.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason we observe Daylight Saving Time.

Your friends love you anyway.

The one thing that unites all humans, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.

At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: "The universe is even bigger than they thought!" "There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!" " Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong."

The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example: If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father. If Coke and Pepsi spend billions to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability. If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer's "born-on" date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes. If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dipshit. And so on. On those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign, it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.

There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few micro-organisms, the micro-organisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

When God decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will not use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

I don't know about you but really at this point I do not need something I have to think about. Shirley from Florida actually IM'd me and let me know for some reason I had not blogged today. Well I will tell you I am not surprised because I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. So, Thank you Shirley and here is the list she sent me!! I really think I may need a vacation!! Haha NOT!
LB


Guaranteed Not To Tax Your Mind



Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true, no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

15. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

16. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because', he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

17. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain and is named 'Juan.' Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

18. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

19. And finally, there was the person who posted different puns to her blog, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make people laugh. No pun in ten did.

I have to take the kids for their yearly physical so I thought I would get in the mood. Have a great day everyone. Thanks to Stacey from Bama!!
Make sur eyou read the photos I was on the floor laughing!
PS, my dogs will go to heaven regaurdless of our religous preference!

The Redneck Dictionary of Medical Terms


Benign - What you be after you be eight.

Artery - The study of paintings.

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.

Barium - What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome.

CATscan - Searching for kitty.

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.

Colic - A sheep dog.

Coma - A punctuation mark.

D & C - Where Washington is.

Dilate - To live long.

Enema - Not a friend.

Fester - Quicker than someone else.

Fibula - A small lie.

Genital - Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series - World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.

Impotent - Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane.

Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.

Node - I knew it.

Outpatient - A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear - A fatherhood test.

Pelvis - .Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative - A letter carrier.

Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.

Rectum - Damn near killed him.

Secretion - Hiding something.

Seizure - Roman emperor.

Tablet - A small table.

Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor - More than one.

Urine - Opposite of you're out.

Varicose - Near by/close by.

Happy Monday!





New List of Appropriate Language For Work


It has been brought to the Management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated.

The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these code phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.

Old Phrase: No fucking way!
New Phrase: New Phrase: I'm not certain that's possible.

Old Phrase: You've got to be shitting me.
New Phrase: Really?

Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a fuck.
New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with...

Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a fuck.
New Phrase: Of course I'm concerned.

Old Phrase: It's not my fucking problem.
New Phrase: I wasn't involved in the project.

Old Phrase: What the fuck...?
New Phrase: Interesting behavior.

Old Phrase: Fuck it. It won't work.
New Phrase: I'm not sure I can implement this.

Old Phrase: Why the fuck didn't they tell me this sooner?
New Phrase: I'll try to schedule that.

Old Phrase: When the fuck do they expect me to do this?
New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late.

Old Phrase: Who the fuck cares?
New Phrase: Are you sure it's a problem?

Old Phrase: Eat shit.
New Phrase: You don't say.

Old Phrase: Eat shit and die.
New Phrase: Excuse me?

Old Phrase: Eat shit and die, motherfucker.
New Phrase: Excuse me, sir?

Old Phrase: What the fuck do they want from me?
New Phrase: They weren't happy with it.

Old Phrase: Kiss my ass.
New Phrase: So you'd like my help with it.

Old Phrase: Fuck it, I'm on salary.
New Phrase: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

Old Phrase: Shove it up your ass.
New Phrase: I don't think you understand.

Old Phrase: This job sucks.
New Phrase: I love a challenge.

Old Phrase: Who the hell died and made you boss?
New Phrase: You want me to take care of that?

Old Phrase: Blow me.
New Phrase: I see.

Old Phrase: Blow yourself.
New Phrase: Do you see?

Old Phrase: Another fucking meeting
New Phrase: Yes, I think we should discuss this.

Old Phrase: I don't really give a shit.
New Phrase: I don't think it will be a problem.

Old Phrase: He's fucking retarded.
New Phrase: He's confused.

Sorry, i was so busy at BBQ days etc I did not post yesterday so I thought I would give you a good one for today! Danny, I love you and think you are the best agent assistant in the world Thanks for watching my back!
Have a good one!





Ways To Tell A Man His Fly Is Unzipped


20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis

Sorry Sooooooo late guys!!! had to stand in a virtual line this morning for Bronco tickets!!!! Then off to get things for a friends birthday!! Tomorrow football camp and BBQ days!! Yeah!! Wat a life!!



What Not to Say to the Police
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. Hey wait a second...I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Good Morning all!! Well it is still a great day to work in Colorado because it is chilly and overcast. Yeah!! So I will be working my fingers to the bone!! If you want to send me a quick note I will be online all day today!! This weekend I will be celebrating a friends birthday and eating BBQ!! What plans!!




Stressed Out
If you're stressing out, here are some comments you can use to help articulate your mood to others...

1. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

2. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

3. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes
on my cat.

4. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

5. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

7. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

8. Earth is full. Go home.

9. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

10. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

11. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

13. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

14. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

15. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

16. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

17. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

18. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

19. Is it time for your medication or mine?

20. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

21. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Just In one of those moods today!! So you will just have to deal!! Woke up and it is cloudy and rainy!! Yeah!! great day to work cause you don't feel like you are missing something!!
Have a great day!!


Eleven Ways that E-mail is Like a Penis
11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call e-mail Envy.

7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the # 1 reason is..

1. If you play with it too much, you go blind....

So sorry you have to go back to work!! So do I!! My soft recliner and supply of Carmel Milky Ways and Cherry Pepsi are calling to me to start the writing process because I have a huge deadline at the end of the month and need to get it into gear!!
Have a good one!


How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

7) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

8) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

9) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

10) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

11) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

12) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

13) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Good Morning all!! I hope you all had a great 4th of July! This year because of the way the day fell I realize most of you lazy bums are off today too. So, I hope you all have a great day off today and find something to do that is relaxing and fun, since you have to go back to work or school...... TOMORROW!! I of course am a different kind of lazy bum and will be sitting in my chair sipping coffee while you all have to get up early! Sorry to rub it in bit there has to be some benefits for being me!!

I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants when I read this list. I really think we should do someof these things just to see what happens!! Thank You so much Sorie from NY!!



21 Ways to Amuse Yourself While Driving



1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Stop at the green lights.
7. Go at the red ones.
8. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
9. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
10. Sing without having the radio on.
11. Honk frequently without motivation.
12. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
13. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
14. Restart your car at every stop light.
15. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
16. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
17. Keep at least five cats in the car.
18. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
19. Stop and collect road kill.
20. Stop and pray to road kill.
21. Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop.
Then get out and watch the cars.

I am sincerely sorry I have been unable to blog for the last few days. I have been sick and too loopy to really make sense and I figure it would have given you a laugh I really have no desire to be the crazy lady on the computer.
SO I am on the mend and ready to continue this blog!! Thanks to all who have written me and given their well wishes, I was fun to read all of your cards.
Happy Fourth of July!!




Fun at the Drive-Through
• Specify that this order is "To Go".
• At midnight, ask if you are too early for Breakfast.
• When ordering, start talking about the problems you were having with your car. Ask if somebody can take a look at it.
• Laugh loudly when asked if you would like fries with your order.
• When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just looking and drive off.
• Tell them you have to use the bathroom - Don't Order anything.
• Order a hamburger, no bun with two ketchup sachets – That’s all.
• When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the rubbish from your car in it.
• When they come on the intercom, say "Sorry, I'm not here at the moment, please leave me a message".
• Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
• Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
• Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
• Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."
• In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
• Drive through with a car load of naked people.
• Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
• Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
• Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
• All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.

Sorry everyone Leigh has been under the weather and will be bck soon! Until then you have to suffer with me!


Kids’ Kitchen Terms
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

DESSERT: The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

SODA POP: Shake 'N Spray.

TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument.