If Men woke up with a Vagina 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina.... 1. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!!!

Some Really Cool Thoughts Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? How do blind people know when they are done wiping? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. The older you get, the better you realize you were. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? What do they do with all the American flags when a state is added? They can't burn em. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? Who wakes up the wakeup-call guy? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? How funny would phones look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears?

Ways to prepare for Ski Season This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski. Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared: 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. 7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler. 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

15 Inspirational Posters We'd Like to See Funny 1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing everyone who opposed them. 2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. 3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. 6. Plagiarism saves time. 7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself. 9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves. 10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. 11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! 12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. 13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. 14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. 15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Why ask Why Funny Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why do noses run and feet smell? Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

The Computer belongs to a Redneck if... Funny 1. The mouse is referred to as a critter. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-Rom drive. 4. There is a gunrack mounted to the CPU. 5. The password is "Bubba." 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them. 8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast. 9. The extra RAM slots have parts for a '76 Dodge Aspen installed in them. 10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options. 11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wav's. 12. The monitor is up on blocks. 13. Seven blue tick hounds under the computer desk. 14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer. 15. The screen saver consists of Ned Beatty with the dueling banjos playing in the background 16. The six front keys have rotted out. 17. John Deere Pocket Protectors. 18. The only games installed on the computer are "Deer Hunting" and "Bass Fishing with Babe Winkleman" 19. Bumper stickers on the side of the tower stating "I brake for nobody" 20. Copy of his lawsuit against the makers of "Redneck Rampage" claiming that he and his brother never did such a thing.

How to be Annoying Funny * Tell your friends, four days prior to their party, that you can't attend because you're not in the mood. * Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars, to see if they slow down. * Practice making faxmodem noises. * If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. * Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". * Drum on every available surface. * Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape. * Sing the Batman theme incessantly. * Staple papers in the middle of the page. * Ask 800 operators for dates. * Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. * Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. * Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. * Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. * Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". * Set alarms for random times. * Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." * Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. * Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. * Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. * Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted. * Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. * Honk and wave to strangers. * Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. * Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. * Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. * Wear your pants backwards. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. * Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" * Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music". * Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape mode. * ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. * only type in lowercase. * don't use any punctuation either * Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. * Pay for your dinner with pennies. * Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. * Repeat everything someone says, as a question. * Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps. * Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. * Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." * Light road flares on a birthday cake. * Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. * Leave tips in Bolivian currency. * Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". * Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. * At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. * When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. * Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". * As much as possible, skip rather than walk. * Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. * Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. * Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?) * Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. * Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. * Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat. * Drive half a block. * Name your dog "Dog". * Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. * Ask people what gender they are. * Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." * Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. * Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. * Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot". * Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". * Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. * Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. * While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. * Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. * Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. * Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. * Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. * Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. * Chew on pens that you've borrowed. * Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. * Wear a LOT of cologne. * Ask to "interface" with someone. * Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing". * Sing along at the opera. * Mow your lawn with scissors. * At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!" * Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy". * Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". * Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. * Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". * Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't ricket." * Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture". * Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. * Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. * Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. * Never make eye contact. * Never break eye contact. * Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. * Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. * Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. * Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. * Holler random numbers while someone is counting. * Make appointments for the 31st of September. * Invite lots of people to other people's parties. * Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know. * Call in sick, then show up.