50 Fun Things for Professors to Do...
on the First Day of Class

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling
noises.
2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class
for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that
yesterday was the last day to drop.
3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and
scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point
to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you
a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor
can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand
them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the
lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their
responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade
book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class
whether your butt looks fat.
11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.
13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention
hotline number on the board.
14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore
all questions.
15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's
"Sex Machine."
16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps
would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local
phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will
be a quiz.
18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead
of you as you pace back and forth.
19. Address students as "worm".
20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam.Tell them there will be just one grade for all their answers- "c".

If Men wrote the Cosmo

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is afterplay?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. Afterplay is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

What a Concept

Funny

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Support bacteria - the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; Coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Inventions by Blondes

# A book on how to read.
# Inflatable dart boards
# Reuseable ice cubes
# The water-proof towel
# Zero proof alcohol
# Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
# Rolls Royce pickup truck
# Turnip ice cream
# Pedal-powered wheel chairs
# See-through toilet tissue
# Watermelon seed sorter
# Glow in the dark sunglasses
# Powdered water
# Submarine screen doors
# Waterproof tea bags

Suggestions for Guys While Golfing OR Taking a Leak

10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.

19 Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say,"Oh sh*t!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!"

11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

Good looks and Brains too?

Funny

A few years ago, Howard Stern hosted Julie Cialini ('96 Playmate of the Year) and Stacey Sanchez ('97 Playmate of the Year) for a morning of sordid joviality. The ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars, answered ten questions from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how important it is for them *AS ROLE MODELS* for young women to stay up on current affairs.


Q: Who is the President of Russia?

Julie: "Gorbachev"

Stacey: "Gretzky"

(correct answer: Boris Yeltsin)


Q: Define the meaning of NAACP.

Julie: "Something, something, something, for Certified Pianists"

Stacey: "It's some kind of police organization."

(correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of Colored People)


Q: Who was the inventor of the lightbulb?

Julie: "I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember the

lightbulb guy."

Stacey: "I don't know."

(correct answer: Thomas A. Edison. Alexander Graham Bell was the phone guy!)


Q: Who is the Speaker of the House?

Julie: "Gore something-or-other."

Stacey: "Bill Clinton."

(correct answer: Newt Gingrich.For the benefit of international members of the market, Al "Gore" is the U.S. Vice President, "Bill Clinton" is our president. )


Q: Define the meaning of the letters CIA.

Julie: "I don't know."

Stacey: "Certified Investigation Association."

(correct answer: Central Intelligence Agency)


Q: What is the center of our solar system?

Julie: "The Equator"

Stacey: "The Moon"

(correct answer: The Sun)


Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched to what he termed "industry related" questions:

Q: What do the initials "DK" stand for?

A: both knew it was fashion designer "Donna Karan."


Q: What is "Cristal?"

A: both knew it was an elite champagne


Q: What car company has a model known as a "911?"

A: both knew it was Porsche


Q: Who's face is on the (U.S.) $100 bill?

A: both knew it was Ben Franklin

50 Ways to get Rid of a Bad Date

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults

101 Things Not to Say During Sex

But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth...
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
No, really... I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people..
You're almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you...
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession...
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you cum yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic, don't you?
Q: You can cook, too right?
A: Whaddaya think I'm doin'?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
(in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry but I don't do toes!
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Top Signs you are at a Redneck Wedding

10. Rehearsal Dinner Held At Hooters
9. Instead Of "Friends Of The Bride Or Friends Of The Groom?"
Ushers Ask "Ford Or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops
Bridegrooms: Travis Tritt T-Shirts
7. Phrase "I Do" Replaced By "I Heard That"
6. Tender Rendition Of "The Wedding Song" Performed By Pinkard & Bowden
5. When Minister Asks Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married...
Some Guy In The Back Stands Up And Hollers "Earnhardt!"
4. Reception Conversation Includes The Phrase "So What Have You Been Doing Since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"
3. Snack Trays At Reception: Vienna Sausages And Nacho Cheese Doritos
2. Plans For The Honeymoon Evening Include Tickets To The Monster Truck Show

...And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding...

Sign In Front Of The Church: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem!

15 Inspirational Posters We'd Like to See

Funny

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. Plagiarism saves time.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.

10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Special Classes for Men


1. Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2
hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


2. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 2 hours.


3. Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and
Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



4. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


5. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


6. Class 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.


7. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with looking in the right places
instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


8. Class 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.


9. Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


10. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.


11. Class 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing. Location and times to be announced.


12. Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation
and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


13. Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday,
Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.


14. Class 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Stock Market Activity Report

Jokes

With the stock market in the news, here is a brief guide to todays activity

" Helium was up;

"Feathers were down;

"Beef steered into a bull market;

"Paper was stationary;

"Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading;

"Pencils lost a few points;

"Hiking equipment was trailing;

"Elevators rose;

"Escalators continued their slow decline;

"Weights were up in heavy trading;

"Light switches were off;

"Mining equipment hit rock bottom;

"Shipping lines stayed at an even keel;

"The market for raisins dried up;

"Coca Cola fizzled;

"Caterpillar stock inched up a bit;

"Balloon prices were inflated;

"Scott Tissue touched a new bottom;

"Knives were up sharply;

"Sun stocks peaked at midday;

and the best one ...
"Diapers remain unchanged.

Seriously having issues getting into the swing of things since it is summer! I just want to laze around and not do a damn thing but apparently others think I should work! haha So, sorry for the delay in the posting!


101 Ways To Say No

I'd love to, but...
I have to floss my cat.
I've dedicated my life to linguine.
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The President said he might drop in.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
It's my parakeet's bowling night.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
My crayons all melted together.
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I'm in training to be a household pest.
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
My patent is pending.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm sandblasting my oven.
I'm worried about my vertical hold.
I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'm being deported.
The grunion are running.
I'll be looking for a parking space.
My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
I have to fluff my shower cap.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
My plot to take over the world is thickening.
I have to fulfill my potential.
I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
My subconscious says no.
I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
I left my body in my other clothes.
The last time I went, I never came back.
I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
None of my socks match.
I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
I'm having all my plants neutered.
People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
I'm touring China with a wok band.
My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
I never go out on days that end in "Y."
My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
I'm too old/young for that stuff.
I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
I have too much guilt.
There are important world issues that need worrying about.
I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I feel a song coming on.
I'm trying to be less popular.
My bathroom tiles need grouting.
I have to bleach my hair.
I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
You know how we psychos are.
My favorite commercial is on TV.
I have to study for a blood test.
I'm going to be old someday.
I've been traded to Cincinnati.
I'm observing National Apathy Week.
I have to rotate my crops.
My uncle escaped again.
I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
I have to go to court for kitty littering.
I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
Having fun gives me prickly heat.
I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
I have to jog my memory.
My palm reader advised against it.
My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I think you want the OTHER [your name].
I have to sit up with a sick ant.
I'm trying to cut down.
... well, maybe.