Yes it is snowing in Colorado! The things we do for Denver Bronco tickets! Neither rain or shine, snow or sun will deter us from getting the tickets! I went out to drive to get the tickets I purchased in the middle of an snow/ice storm! Watched as police officers and wreckers were cleaning up after accidents! It was fun!NOT!! In the middle of the drive my agent decided to call and see if I was done with the work I was supposed to be doing and I had to tell her that I was a little busy. Her response was to make sure that the book was saved so if I died they could still use it! NICE, Thanks Angela!!
Have a great day!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I have done many gross and disgusting things over my life but yesterday had to take the cake! I have contemplated sharing this with all of you but really I think that there is no choice since I am awake at 4 am because I am so sore from working yesterday! I would like to think that I keep a fairly clean house! Of course with three children and a retired Air Force man it is hard sometimes when I have gone back to work and theystill thinkthat I am home all day long with nothing to do but watch over them. But I digresss.
So, yesterday went to clean out a room that had been occupied for the last year, I was planning on moving my office into sadi room so I would have quite time in which to finish the book that everyone is yelling at me about.
Well, the room was DISGUSTING! I had to clean the carpets which had something on it I willnot repeat because I am sure that I would get alot of mail. I scrubbed the walls and the windows, all in an effort to clean a room which should havebeen nice and clean before hand. I would really havethought that the person who was stayong in my house would have been more respectful and leave the room the same way she got it! Seriously pissed and tired and sore and really think that I may have to thump someone! Lets hope it isnot you!
So, yesterday went to clean out a room that had been occupied for the last year, I was planning on moving my office into sadi room so I would have quite time in which to finish the book that everyone is yelling at me about.
Well, the room was DISGUSTING! I had to clean the carpets which had something on it I willnot repeat because I am sure that I would get alot of mail. I scrubbed the walls and the windows, all in an effort to clean a room which should havebeen nice and clean before hand. I would really havethought that the person who was stayong in my house would have been more respectful and leave the room the same way she got it! Seriously pissed and tired and sore and really think that I may have to thump someone! Lets hope it isnot you!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Good morning all! Unfortunately you are all stuck with me for the next few days because my list man is on vacation and at home!!! I have no clue what I am supposed to be doing and so there fore I will have to fill yo in on what is actually happening in my life!! Yes it is very boring!
Today I have to clean my house and get it back to normal form having someone stay with us for a year!! Although it has been an experience I do not believe it is one we will repeat!! Toooooooo Much drama!
One thing I must point out though is the amount of people that have been panhandling on the interstate exits this year! Normally I would be nice and throw a few dollars out to them but when you see one drinking a Smart Water it really seems like they have the taste for the finer things and my measly few bucks wont help!!
Hope you all have a great day and will be back tomorrow!
Today I have to clean my house and get it back to normal form having someone stay with us for a year!! Although it has been an experience I do not believe it is one we will repeat!! Toooooooo Much drama!
One thing I must point out though is the amount of people that have been panhandling on the interstate exits this year! Normally I would be nice and throw a few dollars out to them but when you see one drinking a Smart Water it really seems like they have the taste for the finer things and my measly few bucks wont help!!
Hope you all have a great day and will be back tomorrow!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
1. "I'm down here."
2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
3. I was once a lawn ornament for NSYNC. Want to meet them?
4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a little wild man.
9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!
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Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
1. American Express calls and says; "Definitely leave home without it."
2. Your idea of a 7 course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
4. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
5. You finally clean your house, hoping to find loose change.
6. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
7. Sally Struthers sends you food.
8. You go back for seconds at communion.
9. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
10. You rob Peter and then you rob Paul.
1. "I'm down here."
2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
3. I was once a lawn ornament for NSYNC. Want to meet them?
4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a little wild man.
9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!
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Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
1. American Express calls and says; "Definitely leave home without it."
2. Your idea of a 7 course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
4. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
5. You finally clean your house, hoping to find loose change.
6. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
7. Sally Struthers sends you food.
8. You go back for seconds at communion.
9. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
10. You rob Peter and then you rob Paul.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Lists, Lists and more Lists II
There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.
Don't miss our original Lists Page
and our Third Lists Page
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Very short books
12 Things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars
Top Fifteen Signs your Webmaster is in a Cult
Things adults learn from kids
Top 6 Reasons Computers must be Female
The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay
Top 15 Jewish Country-Western Songs
Ten Things That Would Be Different If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay
If Microsoft Headquarters was in Alabama..
Top 10 Reasons Hanukkah is better than Christmas
30 Cruel Things to Say to a Naked Man
10 Ways to Tell You're in for a Bad Day
Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
Top 50 Uses for Silly Putty
Top 10 Hillary Clinton Slogans for the US Senate
Top 10 Questions on the Bush Running Mate Application
Top 10 Changes With Lieberman as V.P.
Top 20 ways you know you're from Oklahoma
The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug"
16 Ways to prepare for Ski Season 12/15/2001
The top 10 Dr. Seuss Books rejected by his Publisher
Top 10 TV Shows in Iraq
26 Ways to Amuse Yourself
Top 15 Biblical Ways to Find a Wife
Top 10 Things Not to Say in Victoria's Secret
The Top 13 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
Top 10 Things that sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't
7 Things you Won't Hear a Man Say
Top 40 Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say
25 Ways to Tell You're from NW Pennsylvania
12 More things you'll never hear a man say
Top 10 Signs Your Son is Too Old to Breast Feed
Top 10 Reasons John McCain Endorsed Bush
15 Inspirational Posters We'd Like to See
Top 10 Campaign Slogans for 2000
Top 10 Things Freshmen Can Expect From Their 1st Year of College
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Very short books
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit: A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10) George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
11) French Hospitality
12) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
13) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
14) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
18) America's Most Popular Lawyers
21) The Amish Phone Book
22) Al Gore: The Wild Years
23) Easy UNIX
24) Everything Men Know About Women
25) Everything Women Know About Men
26) How to Keep a Virgin from Following You Around Afterwards
27) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
28) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
29) Staple Your Way to Success
30) The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
31) Jewish Sports Heroes
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Twelve Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Started Building Cars
1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before it.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die, for no apparent reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd accept this.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT. But then you'd be required to purchase extra seats.
5. Apple Automotive would make a car that was powered by the sun, self-repairing, twice as reliable, and three times as fast- but it would only run on 10% of roads.
6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
7. People would get excited about "new" features in Microsoft Cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
9. The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
11. After you bought your flashy new Winfire 95 sports car and found you couldn't drive it out of the showroom because it had square wheels, they wouldn't tell you how to change to round ones until you had gone home to fill out your new Winfire driver registration card.
12. Having finally changed to round wheels and got on the road, one day the round wheels fell off and the Microsoft Car Co. wanted you to pay a big bag of money up front before they would take your phone call to find out if wheel-falling-off problems were covered under warranty.
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Top Fifteen Signs your Webmaster is in a Cult
15 Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com.
14 Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott's... Stoli, Mott's...
13 He brings twenty-three wives to the office Holiday Party.
12 Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days to the apocalypse.
11 Suddenly your travel agency's site is featuring inter-planetary excursions for comet watching and one-way tickets to Guyana.
10 His home page says "Best viewed from the Mothership."
9 Your website's "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do stint handing out flowers at airport.
8 Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club's "Site of the Day."
7 She has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free.
6 Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "X-files" ends.
5 Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning to rescue the true believers.
4 Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one.
3 Big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles Manson.
2 He only answers to the name, "Doe-bert."
and the Number 1 Sign Your Webmaster is in a Cult...
1 Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut; lives in a mansion; has many followe... Hey, wait a minute! That's Bill Gates!!
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Things adults learn from kids
1 There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
2 If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
3 A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape
5 It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
6 Baseballs make marks on ceilings
7 You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
8 When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
9 A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10 The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
11 When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late
12 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
13 A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
14 A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
15 If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
16 A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
17 Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
18 Duplos will not
19 Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
20 Super glue is forever
21 McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
22 Ditto Tarzan
23 No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
24 Pool filters do not like Jello
25 VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
26 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
27 Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
28 You probably do not want to know what that odor is
29 Always look in the oven before you turn it on
30 Plastic toys do not like ovens
31 The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
32 The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
33 It will however make cats dizzy
34 Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
36 A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
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How things would be different if Microsoft Headquarters was in Alabama..
1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git"instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" and "Roll Tide".
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Sweet Home Alabama" followed by an introduction from Hank Williams (Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant.
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul D-".
11. Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
14. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
15. "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..."
16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates -- 18. Direct link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page.
19. "Where's Waldo?" would be replaced with "Where's Elvis?".
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The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug"
15 IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
14 "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
13 At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
12 Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
11 Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
10 Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
9 Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny.... Oops, too late.
8 Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
7 Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
6 Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.
5 Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
4 Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
3 First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley".
2 Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.
and the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium Bug"...
1 Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.
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10 Ways to prepare for Ski Season
This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50
dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
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The top six reasons computers must be female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
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The top 10 Dr. Seuss Books rejected by his Publisher:
10. The Cat in the Microwave
9. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
8. Your Colon Can Moo--Can You?
7. The Fox in Detox
6. The Grinch's Ten Inches
5. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
4. Zippy the Gerbil
3. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
2. Who Shat in the Hat?
1. Horton Hires a Ho
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TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ
1. Husseinfeld
2. Mad About Everything
3. Allah McBeal
4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
5. Achmed's Creek
6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
10. Suddenly Sanctions
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26 Ways to Amuse Yourself
Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
Make a list of things of things that you've already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the Flintstones during that important finance meeting.
Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
Write a short story; using alphabet soup.
Lie on your back eating celery using your navel as a salt dipper.
Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.
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Top 15 Biblical Ways to Find a Wife.
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
(Deuteronomy 21:10-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
(Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
(Moses in Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
(Boaz in Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the woman comes out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjamites in Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.
(Adam in Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right, 14 years of toil for Mrs. Right.
(Jacob in Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
(David in I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. It's all relative, of course.
(Cain in Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
(Xerxes in Esther 2:3-3)
11. Kill my husband and take HIS wife (prepare to lose 4 sons, though).
(David in 2 Samuel 11)
12. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a woman. Now get her for me as a wife." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She is the one for me."
(Samson in Judges 14:1-3)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.
(Onan-Genesis 39:8)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
(Solomon 1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...not!!!
(Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:31-35)
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The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay
13. Fonzie: has an "office" in the men's room and always tells guys to "sit on it."
12. If you're drunk enough, "Homer Simpson" sounds kinda like "homosexual."
11. Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People. "Girlfriend" has no visible breasts. You connect the dots, Chester.
10. Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber suits and... Okay, maybe Falwell's got something here.
9. Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much about Broadway Musicals and potpourri.
8. "Shhhh, be vewy vewy wightous! I'm hunting a naked opewa-wuving wabbit!"
7. Will from "Will & Grace": Not because the character is openly gay, but because if he were straight, he'd go by "Bill" and smoke cigars.
6. That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight" is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill.
5. Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C'mon!
4. Check the reruns closely: Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm walks into the bar.
3. The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read, "He bites eel butt."
2. "Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman"
and the Number 1 Reason Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay...
1. David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an erection.
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Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
10. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it?
5. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me?
3. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
... And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's secret:
1. Does this come in children's sizes?
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Top 15 Jewish Country-Western Songs
1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? "
4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight"
5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
6. "Stand by Your Mensch"
7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"
11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
14. "Why Don't We Get Drunk - We're Jews!"
15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)
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Ten Things That Would Be Different If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay:
The Last Supper would have been brunch.
The Beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they..."
Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem screams for a production number, with ostrich feather palm fronds and a large oyster shell instead of just a donkey.
The water at the wedding feast of Canaan would not have been changed to wine, but extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color.
The temple would not only have been cleansed of moneychangers, but redecorated as well.
Mary's hair would have been Flawless.
The Gospels would be Mathew, Mark, Lance, and Bruce.
Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boys... wait.... Never mind.
Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day.
The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.
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The Top 13 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.
12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional...
1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.
Don't miss our original Lists Page
and our Third Lists Page
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Very short books
12 Things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars
Top Fifteen Signs your Webmaster is in a Cult
Things adults learn from kids
Top 6 Reasons Computers must be Female
The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay
Top 15 Jewish Country-Western Songs
Ten Things That Would Be Different If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay
If Microsoft Headquarters was in Alabama..
Top 10 Reasons Hanukkah is better than Christmas
30 Cruel Things to Say to a Naked Man
10 Ways to Tell You're in for a Bad Day
Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
Top 50 Uses for Silly Putty
Top 10 Hillary Clinton Slogans for the US Senate
Top 10 Questions on the Bush Running Mate Application
Top 10 Changes With Lieberman as V.P.
Top 20 ways you know you're from Oklahoma
The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug"
16 Ways to prepare for Ski Season 12/15/2001
The top 10 Dr. Seuss Books rejected by his Publisher
Top 10 TV Shows in Iraq
26 Ways to Amuse Yourself
Top 15 Biblical Ways to Find a Wife
Top 10 Things Not to Say in Victoria's Secret
The Top 13 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
Top 10 Things that sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't
7 Things you Won't Hear a Man Say
Top 40 Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say
25 Ways to Tell You're from NW Pennsylvania
12 More things you'll never hear a man say
Top 10 Signs Your Son is Too Old to Breast Feed
Top 10 Reasons John McCain Endorsed Bush
15 Inspirational Posters We'd Like to See
Top 10 Campaign Slogans for 2000
Top 10 Things Freshmen Can Expect From Their 1st Year of College
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Very short books
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit: A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10) George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
11) French Hospitality
12) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
13) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
14) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
18) America's Most Popular Lawyers
21) The Amish Phone Book
22) Al Gore: The Wild Years
23) Easy UNIX
24) Everything Men Know About Women
25) Everything Women Know About Men
26) How to Keep a Virgin from Following You Around Afterwards
27) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
28) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
29) Staple Your Way to Success
30) The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
31) Jewish Sports Heroes
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Twelve Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Started Building Cars
1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before it.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die, for no apparent reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd accept this.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT. But then you'd be required to purchase extra seats.
5. Apple Automotive would make a car that was powered by the sun, self-repairing, twice as reliable, and three times as fast- but it would only run on 10% of roads.
6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
7. People would get excited about "new" features in Microsoft Cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
9. The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
11. After you bought your flashy new Winfire 95 sports car and found you couldn't drive it out of the showroom because it had square wheels, they wouldn't tell you how to change to round ones until you had gone home to fill out your new Winfire driver registration card.
12. Having finally changed to round wheels and got on the road, one day the round wheels fell off and the Microsoft Car Co. wanted you to pay a big bag of money up front before they would take your phone call to find out if wheel-falling-off problems were covered under warranty.
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Top Fifteen Signs your Webmaster is in a Cult
15 Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com.
14 Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott's... Stoli, Mott's...
13 He brings twenty-three wives to the office Holiday Party.
12 Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days to the apocalypse.
11 Suddenly your travel agency's site is featuring inter-planetary excursions for comet watching and one-way tickets to Guyana.
10 His home page says "Best viewed from the Mothership."
9 Your website's "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do stint handing out flowers at airport.
8 Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club's "Site of the Day."
7 She has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free.
6 Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "X-files" ends.
5 Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning to rescue the true believers.
4 Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one.
3 Big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles Manson.
2 He only answers to the name, "Doe-bert."
and the Number 1 Sign Your Webmaster is in a Cult...
1 Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut; lives in a mansion; has many followe... Hey, wait a minute! That's Bill Gates!!
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Things adults learn from kids
1 There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
2 If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
3 A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape
5 It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
6 Baseballs make marks on ceilings
7 You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
8 When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
9 A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10 The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
11 When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late
12 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
13 A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
14 A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
15 If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
16 A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
17 Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
18 Duplos will not
19 Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
20 Super glue is forever
21 McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
22 Ditto Tarzan
23 No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
24 Pool filters do not like Jello
25 VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
26 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
27 Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
28 You probably do not want to know what that odor is
29 Always look in the oven before you turn it on
30 Plastic toys do not like ovens
31 The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
32 The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
33 It will however make cats dizzy
34 Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
36 A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
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How things would be different if Microsoft Headquarters was in Alabama..
1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git"instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" and "Roll Tide".
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Sweet Home Alabama" followed by an introduction from Hank Williams (Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant.
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul D-".
11. Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
14. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
15. "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..."
16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates -- 18. Direct link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page.
19. "Where's Waldo?" would be replaced with "Where's Elvis?".
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The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug"
15 IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
14 "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
13 At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
12 Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
11 Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
10 Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
9 Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny.... Oops, too late.
8 Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
7 Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
6 Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.
5 Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
4 Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
3 First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley".
2 Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.
and the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium Bug"...
1 Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.
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10 Ways to prepare for Ski Season
This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50
dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
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The top six reasons computers must be female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
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The top 10 Dr. Seuss Books rejected by his Publisher:
10. The Cat in the Microwave
9. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
8. Your Colon Can Moo--Can You?
7. The Fox in Detox
6. The Grinch's Ten Inches
5. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
4. Zippy the Gerbil
3. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
2. Who Shat in the Hat?
1. Horton Hires a Ho
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TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ
1. Husseinfeld
2. Mad About Everything
3. Allah McBeal
4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
5. Achmed's Creek
6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
10. Suddenly Sanctions
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26 Ways to Amuse Yourself
Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
Make a list of things of things that you've already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the Flintstones during that important finance meeting.
Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
Write a short story; using alphabet soup.
Lie on your back eating celery using your navel as a salt dipper.
Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.
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Top 15 Biblical Ways to Find a Wife.
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
(Deuteronomy 21:10-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
(Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
(Moses in Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
(Boaz in Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the woman comes out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjamites in Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.
(Adam in Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right, 14 years of toil for Mrs. Right.
(Jacob in Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
(David in I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. It's all relative, of course.
(Cain in Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
(Xerxes in Esther 2:3-3)
11. Kill my husband and take HIS wife (prepare to lose 4 sons, though).
(David in 2 Samuel 11)
12. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a woman. Now get her for me as a wife." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She is the one for me."
(Samson in Judges 14:1-3)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.
(Onan-Genesis 39:8)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
(Solomon 1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...not!!!
(Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:31-35)
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The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay
13. Fonzie: has an "office" in the men's room and always tells guys to "sit on it."
12. If you're drunk enough, "Homer Simpson" sounds kinda like "homosexual."
11. Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People. "Girlfriend" has no visible breasts. You connect the dots, Chester.
10. Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber suits and... Okay, maybe Falwell's got something here.
9. Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much about Broadway Musicals and potpourri.
8. "Shhhh, be vewy vewy wightous! I'm hunting a naked opewa-wuving wabbit!"
7. Will from "Will & Grace": Not because the character is openly gay, but because if he were straight, he'd go by "Bill" and smoke cigars.
6. That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight" is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill.
5. Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C'mon!
4. Check the reruns closely: Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm walks into the bar.
3. The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read, "He bites eel butt."
2. "Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman"
and the Number 1 Reason Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay...
1. David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an erection.
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Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
10. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it?
5. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me?
3. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
... And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's secret:
1. Does this come in children's sizes?
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Top 15 Jewish Country-Western Songs
1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? "
4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight"
5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
6. "Stand by Your Mensch"
7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"
11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
14. "Why Don't We Get Drunk - We're Jews!"
15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)
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Ten Things That Would Be Different If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay:
The Last Supper would have been brunch.
The Beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they..."
Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem screams for a production number, with ostrich feather palm fronds and a large oyster shell instead of just a donkey.
The water at the wedding feast of Canaan would not have been changed to wine, but extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color.
The temple would not only have been cleansed of moneychangers, but redecorated as well.
Mary's hair would have been Flawless.
The Gospels would be Mathew, Mark, Lance, and Bruce.
Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boys... wait.... Never mind.
Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day.
The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.
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The Top 13 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.
12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional...
1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Lists, Lists and more Lists III
There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.
Don't miss our original Lists Page
And our second Lists Page
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Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
23 Essential Truths
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
The Benefits of Growing Older
Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say
Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work
Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
Top Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men
You Know You are Living in 2003 When...
10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow
15 Things to do at Wal Mart Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
George W. Bush Lists (on our 'dubbya' page)
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush
Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You
If Microsoft Was Jewish...
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
Signs That You Really Are Going Bald
25 Signs You've Grown Up
Top Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers
Comments Overheard in 1957
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
Top Ten Signs it's Monday
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Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
1. I finished the Oreos.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
11. Get your *own* ice cream.
12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
13. Got milk ?
14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
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Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
...in the 2000 Presidential election.
10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
6. The Private Party... No comment.
5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
4. The Search Party... Looking for members.
3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:
1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
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Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
...And The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
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Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" --JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9 Ways You Can Tell Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:
1 Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
2 Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
3 Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4 She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
5 You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
6 Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7 Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
8 Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
9 Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To All the Drunk Women: 20 Clues to Calling it a Night
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
And another 20...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23 Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.
Don't miss our original Lists Page
And our second Lists Page
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
23 Essential Truths
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
The Benefits of Growing Older
Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say
Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work
Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
Top Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men
You Know You are Living in 2003 When...
10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow
15 Things to do at Wal Mart Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
George W. Bush Lists (on our 'dubbya' page)
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush
Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You
If Microsoft Was Jewish...
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
Signs That You Really Are Going Bald
25 Signs You've Grown Up
Top Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers
Comments Overheard in 1957
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
Top Ten Signs it's Monday
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
1. I finished the Oreos.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
11. Get your *own* ice cream.
12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
13. Got milk ?
14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
...in the 2000 Presidential election.
10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
6. The Private Party... No comment.
5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
4. The Search Party... Looking for members.
3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:
1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
...And The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" --JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9 Ways You Can Tell Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:
1 Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
2 Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
3 Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4 She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
5 You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
6 Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7 Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
8 Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
9 Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To All the Drunk Women: 20 Clues to Calling it a Night
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
And another 20...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23 Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Monday, December 20, 2010
67 Ways To Be Annoying
1. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
3. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
6. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
7. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
8. Sniffle incessantly.
9. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
10. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
11. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
12. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
13. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
14. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
15. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
16. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
17. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
18. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
19. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
20. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
21. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
22. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
23. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
24. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
25. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
26. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
27. Honk and wave to strangers.
28. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
29. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
30. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
31. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
32. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
33. only type in lowercase.
34. dont use any punctuation either
35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
39. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
40. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
41. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
42. At the laundramat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
43. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
44. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
45. Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
46. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
47. Ask people what gender they are.
48. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
49. Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
50. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
51. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day..
52. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book, claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
53. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
54. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
55. Send a list of "67 Ways to be Annoying" - but only send 55
1. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
3. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
6. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
7. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
8. Sniffle incessantly.
9. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
10. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
11. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
12. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
13. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
14. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
15. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
16. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
17. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
18. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
19. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
20. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
21. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
22. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
23. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
24. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
25. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
26. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
27. Honk and wave to strangers.
28. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
29. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
30. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
31. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
32. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
33. only type in lowercase.
34. dont use any punctuation either
35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
39. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
40. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
41. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
42. At the laundramat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
43. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
44. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
45. Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
46. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
47. Ask people what gender they are.
48. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
49. Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
50. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
51. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day..
52. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book, claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
53. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
54. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
55. Send a list of "67 Ways to be Annoying" - but only send 55
Friday, December 17, 2010
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
1. "I'm down here."
2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
3. I was once a lawn ornament for NSYNC. Want to meet them?
4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a little wild man.
9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!
1. "I'm down here."
2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
3. I was once a lawn ornament for NSYNC. Want to meet them?
4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a little wild man.
9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
50 rules for men to live with women successfully...
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call... and call again.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything else out.
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call... and call again.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything else out.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
100 reasons why it's better to be a man
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through channels, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, s/he can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station b/c this one's just to skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F**k it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through channels, you don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, s/he can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near you pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station b/c this one's just to skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F**k it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
Monday, December 13, 2010
51 Reasons Why It's Better to be a Woman
1. Free drinks.
2. Free dinners.
3. Free movies (you get the point).
4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
7. Speeding ticket? What's that?
8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
10. If you have sex with someone and don't call the next day, you're not the devil.
11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so -- out loud.
13. If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
14. You can sleep your way to the top.
15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
17. It's possible for you to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
18. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
19. Brad Pitt.
20. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
21. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.
22. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
23. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
24. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
25. If you think the person you're dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them.
26. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
27. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
28. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her butt.
29. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
30. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
31. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
32. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
33. You have the ability to dress yourself.
34. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
35. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
36. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
37. If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.
38. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
39. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
40. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
41. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
42. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
43. You've never had a goatee.
44. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
45. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
46. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
47. You'll never discover you've been duped by a Wonderbra.
48. You don't have hair on your back.
49. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
50. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way that only another woman truly can.
51. Multiple Orgasms!
1. Free drinks.
2. Free dinners.
3. Free movies (you get the point).
4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
7. Speeding ticket? What's that?
8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
10. If you have sex with someone and don't call the next day, you're not the devil.
11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so -- out loud.
13. If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
14. You can sleep your way to the top.
15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
17. It's possible for you to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
18. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
19. Brad Pitt.
20. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
21. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.
22. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
23. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
24. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
25. If you think the person you're dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them.
26. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
27. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
28. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her butt.
29. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
30. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
31. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
32. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
33. You have the ability to dress yourself.
34. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
35. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
36. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
37. If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.
38. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
39. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
40. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
41. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
42. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
43. You've never had a goatee.
44. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
45. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
46. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
47. You'll never discover you've been duped by a Wonderbra.
48. You don't have hair on your back.
49. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
50. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way that only another woman truly can.
51. Multiple Orgasms!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Comments Overheard in 1957
The following were some comments made in the year 1957:
(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
(6)"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"
(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"
(8)"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."
(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."
(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
(12)"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."
(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
The following were some comments made in the year 1957:
(1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
(4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
(6)"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"
(7) "Kids today are impossible. Those ducktail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"
(8)"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."
(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."
(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
(12)"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."
(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more, $35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Top 40 Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who cares who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin’ tonight.
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who cares who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin’ tonight.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
26 Ways to Amuse Yourself
Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
Make a list of things of things that you've already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the Flintstones during that important finance meeting.
Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
Write a short story; using alphabet soup.
Lie on your back eating celery using your navel as a salt dipper.
Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
Make a list of things of things that you've already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the Flintstones during that important finance meeting.
Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
Write a short story; using alphabet soup.
Lie on your back eating celery using your navel as a salt dipper.
Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Lists, Lists and more Lists III
There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.
Don't miss our original Lists Page
And our second Lists Page
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Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
23 Essential Truths
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
The Benefits of Growing Older
Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say
Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work
Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
Top Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men
You Know You are Living in 2003 When...
10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow
15 Things to do at Wal Mart Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
George W. Bush Lists (on our 'dubbya' page)
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush
Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You
If Microsoft Was Jewish...
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
Signs That You Really Are Going Bald
25 Signs You've Grown Up
Top Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers
Comments Overheard in 1957
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
Top Ten Signs it's Monday
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Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
1. I finished the Oreos.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
11. Get your *own* ice cream.
12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
13. Got milk ?
14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
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Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
...in the 2000 Presidential election.
10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
6. The Private Party... No comment.
5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
4. The Search Party... Looking for members.
3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:
1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
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Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
...And The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
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Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung
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Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" --JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton
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Little Golden Books That Never Made It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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9 Ways You Can Tell Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:
1 Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
2 Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
3 Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4 She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
5 You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
6 Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7 Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
8 Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
9 Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
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To All the Drunk Women: 20 Clues to Calling it a Night
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
And another 20...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.
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23 Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
1. Drink molasses 'til you heave
2. Wet bonnet contest
3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
4. Buttermilk kegger
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
6. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
7. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
8. Sleep 'til 6 AM
9. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear
10. Churn butter naked
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Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
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The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush:
16. Rebel Without a Card
15. Austin Bars: The Guy Who Snagged Me
14. Bar Trek: The Next Jennaration
13. Me, Myself and I.D.
12. The Little Barmaid
11. The Keg and I
10. 101 Libations
9. Bend Hurl
8. The Hunt for OctoberFest
7. License to Kill Your Dad's Chances of Re-Election
6. Drunk and Drunker
5. The Clodfather
4. 9 ½ Weeks-of Community Service
3. Heaving Las Cervezas
2.Honey, I've Drunks for Kids!
and the Number 1 Favorite Movie of Jenna Bush...
1. You've Got Bail!
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Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place, then and sigh loudly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting, more sinkers than floaters."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall. Then say, "Whoops. Could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor, making it visible to the occupant of the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.
Don't miss our original Lists Page
And our second Lists Page
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
23 Essential Truths
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
The Benefits of Growing Older
Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say
Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work
Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
Top Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men
You Know You are Living in 2003 When...
10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow
15 Things to do at Wal Mart Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
George W. Bush Lists (on our 'dubbya' page)
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush
Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You
If Microsoft Was Jewish...
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
Signs That You Really Are Going Bald
25 Signs You've Grown Up
Top Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers
Comments Overheard in 1957
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
Top Ten Signs it's Monday
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
1. I finished the Oreos.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
11. Get your *own* ice cream.
12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
13. Got milk ?
14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
Back to the Top
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Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
...in the 2000 Presidential election.
10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
6. The Private Party... No comment.
5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
4. The Search Party... Looking for members.
3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:
1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
Back to the Top
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Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
...And The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
Back to the Top
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Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung
Back to the Top
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Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" --JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton
Back to the Top
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Little Golden Books That Never Made It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Back to the Top
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9 Ways You Can Tell Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:
1 Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
2 Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
3 Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4 She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
5 You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
6 Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7 Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
8 Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
9 Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
Back to the Top
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To All the Drunk Women: 20 Clues to Calling it a Night
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
And another 20...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.
Back to the Top
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23 Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Back to the Top
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Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
1. Drink molasses 'til you heave
2. Wet bonnet contest
3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
4. Buttermilk kegger
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
6. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
7. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
8. Sleep 'til 6 AM
9. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear
10. Churn butter naked
Back to the Top
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Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Back to the Top
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The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush:
16. Rebel Without a Card
15. Austin Bars: The Guy Who Snagged Me
14. Bar Trek: The Next Jennaration
13. Me, Myself and I.D.
12. The Little Barmaid
11. The Keg and I
10. 101 Libations
9. Bend Hurl
8. The Hunt for OctoberFest
7. License to Kill Your Dad's Chances of Re-Election
6. Drunk and Drunker
5. The Clodfather
4. 9 ½ Weeks-of Community Service
3. Heaving Las Cervezas
2.Honey, I've Drunks for Kids!
and the Number 1 Favorite Movie of Jenna Bush...
1. You've Got Bail!
Back to the Top
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Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place, then and sigh loudly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting, more sinkers than floaters."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall. Then say, "Whoops. Could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor, making it visible to the occupant of the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
Monday, December 6, 2010
Lists, Lists and more Lists III
There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.
Don't miss our original Lists Page
And our second Lists Page
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
23 Essential Truths
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
The Benefits of Growing Older
Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say
Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work
Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
Top Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men
You Know You are Living in 2003 When...
10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow
15 Things to do at Wal Mart Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
George W. Bush Lists (on our 'dubbya' page)
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush
Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You
If Microsoft Was Jewish...
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
Signs That You Really Are Going Bald
25 Signs You've Grown Up
Top Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers
Comments Overheard in 1957
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
Top Ten Signs it's Monday
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
1. I finished the Oreos.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
11. Get your *own* ice cream.
12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
13. Got milk ?
14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
Back to the Top
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Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
...in the 2000 Presidential election.
10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
6. The Private Party... No comment.
5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
4. The Search Party... Looking for members.
3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:
1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
Back to the Top
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Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
...And The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
Back to the Top
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Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung
Back to the Top
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Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" --JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Back to the Top
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9 Ways You Can Tell Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:
1 Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
2 Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
3 Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4 She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
5 You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
6 Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7 Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
8 Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
9 Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
Back to the Top
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To All the Drunk Women: 20 Clues to Calling it a Night
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
And another 20...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23 Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
1. Drink molasses 'til you heave
2. Wet bonnet contest
3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
4. Buttermilk kegger
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
6. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
7. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
8. Sleep 'til 6 AM
9. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear
10. Churn butter naked
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.
Don't miss our original Lists Page
And our second Lists Page
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
23 Essential Truths
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
The Benefits of Growing Older
Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say
Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work
Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
Top Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men
You Know You are Living in 2003 When...
10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow
15 Things to do at Wal Mart Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
George W. Bush Lists (on our 'dubbya' page)
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush
Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You
If Microsoft Was Jewish...
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
Signs That You Really Are Going Bald
25 Signs You've Grown Up
Top Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers
Comments Overheard in 1957
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
Top Ten Signs it's Monday
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Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
1. I finished the Oreos.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
11. Get your *own* ice cream.
12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
13. Got milk ?
14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
Back to the Top
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Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
...in the 2000 Presidential election.
10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
6. The Private Party... No comment.
5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
4. The Search Party... Looking for members.
3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:
1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
Back to the Top
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Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
...And The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
Back to the Top
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Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" --JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton
Back to the Top
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Little Golden Books That Never Made It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Back to the Top
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9 Ways You Can Tell Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:
1 Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
2 Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
3 Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4 She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
5 You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
6 Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7 Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
8 Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
9 Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
Back to the Top
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To All the Drunk Women: 20 Clues to Calling it a Night
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
And another 20...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23 Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
1. Drink molasses 'til you heave
2. Wet bonnet contest
3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
4. Buttermilk kegger
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
6. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
7. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
8. Sleep 'til 6 AM
9. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear
10. Churn butter naked
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
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