Finally a Barbie you can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry slippers.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-erasing cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with mini-van in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Please do not go find any of these cards! I would hate to have to bail you out!!
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
3. You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
3. You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Things not to do at a funeral
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your
contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him
into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be
read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral service in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS!
MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin
for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight
face while praising the deceased.
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your
contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him
into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be
read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
21. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral service in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS!
MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin
for back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight
face while praising the deceased.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Found this list of funny excuses for being late for work. I know none of you would ever need these excuses... just thought they were cute.
Happy Hump Day everybody.
I had to teach the temps on how to use the equipment.
Do you know how long it takes to give a dollar to every Santa you see?
I was in a meeting. ..... What, you weren't invited? That's messed up.
It's always in crises after another.
I had to show the new worker something.
Your watch must be fast.
Don't be too hasty in judging me and then trying to oust me. If I am found to have done something wrong, then I ask to be forgiven. - Indonesian President Abdurrahman Wahid, who is alleged to have been involved in two financial scandals involving some six million dollars, and who acknowledged that according to the results of the last election, his deputy, Megawati Sukarnoputri, should have been elected president.
The new manager needed some help understanding the reports that were filed by.....
I got pinned down by Charlie.
I wasn't late. I just failed to be on time.
I'm working on getting everyone in position.
I'm very busy at the moment.
I wasn't paying attention.
You never asked any of the other workers that.
Well you see, it's like this...
Funny you should ask.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones
I shouldn't have said what I am reported to have said, and if I did, I apologize. - Jon S. Corzine
Someone wanted to be a farmer; so I gave them a couple of arce's. - From The Last Action Hero
I'm working on the next big thing.
Want to talk about it over a bite to eat?
I fell asleep in the shower.
I ran into a parade.
You didn't call to wake me up.
I didn't want to play the game.
I didn't want to seem to eager.
I hear you're getting a pony.
I was to busy sleeping to be on time.
Let me get back to you.
If I did that, I'd be real surprised.
I'm very glad you asked that question; because that brings us right back to the issue of .....
Is it Spring forward or Spring back?
Could I get back to you?
I'm not late, I'm early for next time. sticking my head in a moose. - Samuel Goldwyn
I had a top level meeting with (Insert name of someone inportant here).
Is it Fall forward or Fall back?
Have you seen my baseball?
I was, uh.....
Could you please repeat the question?
You should have told be to be here on time.
I saw Elvis.
It's not like I'm paid to come here.
I thought time was on my side.
I had to speak to the man in charge.
That's all right, it's not my fault; all I need is some more training.
I had to catch a Pokemon.
I was, well you know...
I couldn't find my clothes.
Happy Hump Day everybody.
I had to teach the temps on how to use the equipment.
Do you know how long it takes to give a dollar to every Santa you see?
I was in a meeting. ..... What, you weren't invited? That's messed up.
It's always in crises after another.
I had to show the new worker something.
Your watch must be fast.
Don't be too hasty in judging me and then trying to oust me. If I am found to have done something wrong, then I ask to be forgiven. - Indonesian President Abdurrahman Wahid, who is alleged to have been involved in two financial scandals involving some six million dollars, and who acknowledged that according to the results of the last election, his deputy, Megawati Sukarnoputri, should have been elected president.
The new manager needed some help understanding the reports that were filed by.....
I got pinned down by Charlie.
I wasn't late. I just failed to be on time.
I'm working on getting everyone in position.
I'm very busy at the moment.
I wasn't paying attention.
You never asked any of the other workers that.
Well you see, it's like this...
Funny you should ask.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones
I shouldn't have said what I am reported to have said, and if I did, I apologize. - Jon S. Corzine
Someone wanted to be a farmer; so I gave them a couple of arce's. - From The Last Action Hero
I'm working on the next big thing.
Want to talk about it over a bite to eat?
I fell asleep in the shower.
I ran into a parade.
You didn't call to wake me up.
I didn't want to play the game.
I didn't want to seem to eager.
I hear you're getting a pony.
I was to busy sleeping to be on time.
Let me get back to you.
If I did that, I'd be real surprised.
I'm very glad you asked that question; because that brings us right back to the issue of .....
Is it Spring forward or Spring back?
Could I get back to you?
I'm not late, I'm early for next time. sticking my head in a moose. - Samuel Goldwyn
I had a top level meeting with (Insert name of someone inportant here).
Is it Fall forward or Fall back?
Have you seen my baseball?
I was, uh.....
Could you please repeat the question?
You should have told be to be here on time.
I saw Elvis.
It's not like I'm paid to come here.
I thought time was on my side.
I had to speak to the man in charge.
That's all right, it's not my fault; all I need is some more training.
I had to catch a Pokemon.
I was, well you know...
I couldn't find my clothes.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
50 things to do on an elevator
1. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, shut up, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stays open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, cotton-pickin' motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
1. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, shut up, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stays open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, cotton-pickin' motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
Monday, January 24, 2011
Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
10. With your wife, visiting her sister.
9. Golfing with the guys
8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend.
7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.
5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.
3. In front of your child's 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher at show and tell time.
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you.
And the number one time never to get a woody is
1. When your best friend, on a guys night out, asks you, "Hey what do you want to do tonight?"
10. With your wife, visiting her sister.
9. Golfing with the guys
8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend.
7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.
5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.
3. In front of your child's 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher at show and tell time.
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you.
And the number one time never to get a woody is
1. When your best friend, on a guys night out, asks you, "Hey what do you want to do tonight?"
Friday, January 21, 2011
Top 10 Things Freshmen Can Expect From Their 1st Year of College
10. Master the art of binge drinking.
9. Learn from other students how to get the calling card Mom and Dad gave you to cover 1-900 charges.
8. Grocery shopping on the change found in the sofa cushions.
7. A steady diet of macaroni & cheese, cereal and Fritos.
6. Quarters are the hottest commodity for laundry, vending machines and drinking games.
5. Alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to grade point average.
4. Weekends start on Thursday.
3. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
2. You'll be able to stay up all night doing nothing and fall asleep in class in two seconds.
And the number 1 things college kids can expect their first year at school:
1. Hornier girls than in high school.
10. Master the art of binge drinking.
9. Learn from other students how to get the calling card Mom and Dad gave you to cover 1-900 charges.
8. Grocery shopping on the change found in the sofa cushions.
7. A steady diet of macaroni & cheese, cereal and Fritos.
6. Quarters are the hottest commodity for laundry, vending machines and drinking games.
5. Alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to grade point average.
4. Weekends start on Thursday.
3. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
2. You'll be able to stay up all night doing nothing and fall asleep in class in two seconds.
And the number 1 things college kids can expect their first year at school:
1. Hornier girls than in high school.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Top 13 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.
12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional...
1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family
13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.
12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional...
1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
1. I just love how Barry Manilow sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Boy, that Barbara Walters on "20/20" is one sexy babe.
6. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our relationship.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
8. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch something meaningful on the "Lifetime Channel."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
11. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote.
12. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!
26. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
27. Let's talk. I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie?
1. I just love how Barry Manilow sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Boy, that Barbara Walters on "20/20" is one sexy babe.
6. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our relationship.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
8. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch something meaningful on the "Lifetime Channel."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
11. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote.
12. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!
26. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
27. Let's talk. I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie?
Monday, January 17, 2011
23 Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
Friday, January 14, 2011
Top Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men
10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.
9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.
8. They are always good.
7. They go away when you want them too.
6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.
4. It's always fun to swallow.
3. They never talk.
2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.
And the number one reason Oreos are better than men:
1. The creamy white stuff tastes good!
10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.
9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.
8. They are always good.
7. They go away when you want them too.
6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.
4. It's always fun to swallow.
3. They never talk.
2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.
And the number one reason Oreos are better than men:
1. The creamy white stuff tastes good!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
The ten most common excuses women use to reject a man and what they REALLY mean.
10. I think of you as a brother. (you remind of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance')
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer)
8. I'm not attracted to you 'that' way. (you are the ugliest dork I've ever laid my eyes on)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich sugar daddy
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I've got batteries)
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, Bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you)
2. I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether)
And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with
10. I think of you as a brother. (you remind of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance')
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer)
8. I'm not attracted to you 'that' way. (you are the ugliest dork I've ever laid my eyes on)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich sugar daddy
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I've got batteries)
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, Bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you)
2. I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether)
And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Benefits of Growing Older
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
To All the Drunk Women: 20 Clues to Calling it a Night
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
And another 20...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
And another 20...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight
Monday, January 10, 2011
Hope you all have a good day!! Snow in Colorado but not enough to cause a snow day so the kids are off to school!! Which is a bummer since that also means I have to work! Will be sitting in my chair and working today!
Top Ten Signs it's Monday
10. Yesterday was Tuesday and tomorrow is Sunday... at least that is what you are thinking.
9. The President looks hungover as he issues his weekly apology to the nation.
8. Another knee-slapping cartoon of that darn Garfield saying "I hate Monday!"
7. You're happy to go to work in order to get some rest.
6. In your current opinion five days is a long time.
5. You break down into a sobbing mess on the floor because there was no coffee left in the pot when you got to work.
4. You are half way to work before you realize you have been listening to "Rev. Carl's Bible Hour" on your car radio.
3. You've already planned several thousand ways to avoid actually doing work until Friday.
2. Husband begins warming up TV for Monday Night Football at 6 A.M. and carefully positioning snacks at strategic locations around the living room.
1. The solid rain for the past two days has stopped, leaving a beautiful, sunny day.
Top Ten Signs it's Monday
10. Yesterday was Tuesday and tomorrow is Sunday... at least that is what you are thinking.
9. The President looks hungover as he issues his weekly apology to the nation.
8. Another knee-slapping cartoon of that darn Garfield saying "I hate Monday!"
7. You're happy to go to work in order to get some rest.
6. In your current opinion five days is a long time.
5. You break down into a sobbing mess on the floor because there was no coffee left in the pot when you got to work.
4. You are half way to work before you realize you have been listening to "Rev. Carl's Bible Hour" on your car radio.
3. You've already planned several thousand ways to avoid actually doing work until Friday.
2. Husband begins warming up TV for Monday Night Football at 6 A.M. and carefully positioning snacks at strategic locations around the living room.
1. The solid rain for the past two days has stopped, leaving a beautiful, sunny day.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
1. I finished the Oreos.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
11. Get your *own* ice cream.
12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
13. Got milk ?
14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
1. I finished the Oreos.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
11. Get your *own* ice cream.
12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
13. Got milk ?
14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
3. You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
3. You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Yes i have become very lazy when it comes this this blog! So my New Years Resolution is to make sure that I contribute to this every day in some way or another! Today I will just blog. Nothing really going on but I am back at work,and have quit smoking so I should be driving my family nuts in the next few hours! haha Tough they wanted me to quit they have to deal!
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating....
4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
2. She yells out her own name
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating....
4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
2. She yells out her own name
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
Monday, January 3, 2011
First official blog of the New Year! I hope you all had a great time on New Years Eve and started a safe and happy night!
I have may things to look forward to this year and hope you all do too! the first being that my second book will be released soon and the second being that I am taking several fun trips this year! It looks to be an exciting and eventful year! The list will continue when my lazy assistant gets off of his break! HAHA
Have a great day!
I have may things to look forward to this year and hope you all do too! the first being that my second book will be released soon and the second being that I am taking several fun trips this year! It looks to be an exciting and eventful year! The list will continue when my lazy assistant gets off of his break! HAHA
Have a great day!
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