Lists, Lists and more Lists III
There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.
Don't miss our original Lists Page
And our second Lists Page
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
23 Essential Truths
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
The Benefits of Growing Older
Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say
Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work
Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
Top Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men
You Know You are Living in 2003 When...
10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow
15 Things to do at Wal Mart Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
George W. Bush Lists (on our 'dubbya' page)
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush
Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You
If Microsoft Was Jewish...
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
Signs That You Really Are Going Bald
25 Signs You've Grown Up
Top Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers
Comments Overheard in 1957
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
Top Ten Signs it's Monday
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
1. I finished the Oreos.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
11. Get your *own* ice cream.
12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
13. Got milk ?
14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
...in the 2000 Presidential election.
10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
6. The Private Party... No comment.
5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
4. The Search Party... Looking for members.
3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:
1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
...And The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" --JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9 Ways You Can Tell Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:
1 Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
2 Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
3 Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4 She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
5 You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
6 Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7 Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
8 Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
9 Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To All the Drunk Women: 20 Clues to Calling it a Night
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
And another 20...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23 Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Consultants Commandments
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Lists, Lists and more Lists III
There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.
Don't miss our original Lists Page
And our second Lists Page
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
23 Essential Truths
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
The Benefits of Growing Older
Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say
Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work
Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
Top Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men
You Know You are Living in 2003 When...
10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow
15 Things to do at Wal Mart Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
George W. Bush Lists (on our 'dubbya' page)
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush
Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You
If Microsoft Was Jewish...
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
Signs That You Really Are Going Bald
25 Signs You've Grown Up
Top Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers
Comments Overheard in 1957
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
Top Ten Signs it's Monday
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
1. I finished the Oreos.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
11. Get your *own* ice cream.
12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
13. Got milk ?
14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
...in the 2000 Presidential election.
10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
6. The Private Party... No comment.
5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
4. The Search Party... Looking for members.
3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:
1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
...And The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" --JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9 Ways You Can Tell Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:
1 Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
2 Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
3 Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4 She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
5 You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
6 Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7 Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
8 Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
9 Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To All the Drunk Women: 20 Clues to Calling it a Night
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
And another 20...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.
Back to the Top
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
23 Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
1. Drink molasses 'til you heave
2. Wet bonnet contest
3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
4. Buttermilk kegger
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
6. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
7. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
8. Sleep 'til 6 AM
9. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear
10. Churn butter naked
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Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
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The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush:
16. Rebel Without a Card
15. Austin Bars: The Guy Who Snagged Me
14. Bar Trek: The Next Jennaration
13. Me, Myself and I.D.
12. The Little Barmaid
11. The Keg and I
10. 101 Libations
9. Bend Hurl
8. The Hunt for OctoberFest
7. License to Kill Your Dad's Chances of Re-Election
6. Drunk and Drunker
5. The Clodfather
4. 9 ½ Weeks-of Community Service
3. Heaving Las Cervezas
2.Honey, I've Drunks for Kids!
and the Number 1 Favorite Movie of Jenna Bush...
1. You've Got Bail!
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Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place, then and sigh loudly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting, more sinkers than floaters."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall. Then say, "Whoops. Could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor, making it visible to the occupant of the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
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The Benefits of Growing Older
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
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Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You:
10 - Lord, Momma Done Burnt the Chicken Again
9 - I Ain't Seen My Daddy Since the 80's: Tales from the Ghetto
8 - Menace II Society 2: The Return of Kaine, Tupac, Biggie and introducing Big Pun
7 - Momma, It's the 1st and the Check Ain't Here: A Ghetto Tragedy
6 - A Tale of Two Baby Daddies
5 - Momma, I'm Pregnant...Again!
4 - Momma, It's the 15th and the Check Still Ain't Here: The Sequel to the Tragedy on the 1st
3 - Lord, How Can I Keep My Lexus and Range Rover on A Secretary's Salary?
2 - Lord, I Hate My Baby Momma: Starring Shawn Kemp and Bobby Brown and Headlining, O.J. Simpson
And the Number One Black Play coming to a theater near you is............
1 - Who Drank All the Damn Kool-Aid: A Ghetto Mystery!
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Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives 'bad hair day' a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. 'I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants.'
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
and the #1 reason to go to work naked...
1. Your boss will never say, 'I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!' ever again.
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Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support
10 "So...what are you wearing?"
9 "Duuuuude! Bummer!"
8 "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7 "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6 "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
5 "I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4 "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3 "Hold on a second...Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2 "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
1 "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
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Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
10 Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
9 She's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
8 When asked for her phone number, she gives it in hex.
7 Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6 Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5 Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez!" 295 times during the movie The Net.
4 Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3 His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
2 Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1 You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
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Top 10 Reasons Beer is Better Than Religion
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
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Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute
5. This diamond is way too big
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look to small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again
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Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy
7. Her tits are just too big
6. Sometimes I just want to be held
5. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, lets go shopping and I can hold your purse
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
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12 Lines to Get Out of Jury Duty
1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.
2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.
3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I'd believe him
4. I think laws are for sissies.
5. Would I have to bathe?
6. Can each of my personalities vote in the deliberation?
7. My religion specifically prohibits me from sitting near other people.
8. Your marshall's handcuffs are turning me on.
9. A pit bull named [defendant's first name] just killed my baby.
10. I have Tourette's syndrome, you %&#@&%@ %#@&#$%.
11. I get dizzy if I try to weigh evidence.
12. An eye for an eye. I say we take his head for an eye (point at defendant).
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Top 15 Indications You're Having a Bad Hair Day
15. A horrified Don King offers you his comb.
14. Like magic, your ponytail stays in place with no rubber band.
13. Head lice have formed a tenant's union and are demanding renovations.
12. Sparrows divebomb your head territorially.
11. During lunch hour, your hair robs a nearby convenience store.
10. Your hair gets caught in the vacuum cleaner and the ceiling fan -- simultaneously.
9. Thumbs up from Dennis Rodman at last night's Bulls game.
8. You're selected as the next male cast member of "Friends."
7. Your date can't quite decide which one of the Little Rascals you resemble the most.
6. Rod Stewart, Lyle Lovett and Michael Bolton over at the next table pointing and laughing their asses off.
5. An hour before the square dance, and there's not an ounce of bacon fat to be found!
4. Three cans of hairspray and you *still* look like the flying nun.
3. To get to your office from the parking lot, you have to tack into the wind three times.
2. Someone mistakes your silhouette for Patti Labelle holding an umbrella.
and the Number One Indication You're Having a Bad Hair Day...
1. You spend the whole day fending off the advances of Ted Koppel's wife.
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If Microsoft Was Jewish...
1. Instead of getting a "general protection fault" error, your PC would get "verklempt".
2. "Year 2000" issues are replace by "year 5760-5761" issues.
3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "flying dreidels".
4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
5. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 48 hours.
6. Your "start" button would be replaced with a "let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - you're killing me. You vant I should try again? I didn't hear that!".
8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of the PC, you would be instructed to "remove the cable from the PC's tucas".
9. Internet Explorer would have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
10. You would hear the tune "Halva Nagila" during startup.
11. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
12. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "OY!"
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Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
1. "I'm down here."
2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
3. I was once a lawn ornament for NSYNC. Want to meet them?
4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a little wild man.
9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!
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Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
1. American Express calls and says; "Definitely leave home without it."
2. Your idea of a 7 course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
4. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
5. You finally clean your house, hoping to find loose change.
6. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
7. Sally Struthers sends you food.
8. You go back for seconds at communion.
9. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
10. You rob Peter and then you rob Paul.
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Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my car. GO CRAZY!
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Here's $100.
1. What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal.
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Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
3. You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
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Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
...and the number one sign your Amish teen is in trouble...
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards!
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Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry (immediate results).
2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.
3. Answer every one of their questions with: "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
4. Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.
5. Excuse yourself from your living room (or wherever)... and don't come back.
6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)
7. Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
8. Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
9. (Males only) Feign an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole nine yards. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout, and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a # 7. If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.
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Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
"We're all out of red, so I used pink."
"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"
"Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."
"That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."
"I HATE it when I get the hiccups."
"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."
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Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
(To Women's Stupid Questions... but never will)
10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.
7. No, I won't be gentle.
6. Of course you have to swallow.
5. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
4. I hate your fucking friends.
3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
2. I'd rather watch a stick movie
1. Eat it? It took me 20 beers to get up the courage to fuck it.
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30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
1. I just love how Barry Manilow sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Boy, that Barbara Walters on "20/20" is one sexy babe.
6. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our relationship.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
8. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch something meaningful on the "Lifetime Channel."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
11. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote.
12. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!
26. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
27. Let's talk. I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie?
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Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work
1. You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2002
2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
3. You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
4. You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
5. People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
6. No longer content with merely photocopying your hand, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.
7. You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
8. The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
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Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
...Hasn't actually read the Koran, but has definitely skimmed the Cliff's Notes several times.
...Cries while listening to Carpenters albums.
...Busy burning all his valentines from Osama.
...Merciless chemical gassing of his own people was actually "a cry for help".
...Former school classmates who teased him now floating in jars in his den.
...Wants 239th palace to have an Elvis theme.
...Enjoys long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners after long day of overseeing brutal torture of dissidents.
...Bought an Abdomenizer after watching late-night infomercial, but it's just sitting on closet shelf in underground bunker.
...Has a secret plan for reducing desertion rate of troops in future wars to only 96%.
...Now privately admits that "Mother of All Battles" was actually more like "Third Cousin In Law's Niece of All Battles".
...Has a nervous habit of flicking his lighter when he sees oil wells.
...Has a soft spot for his Chief Torturer and presented him with a monogrammed soldering iron for his birthday.
...Has several Pokemon characters tattooed on his ass.
...Sometimes gets "just a little creeped out" by 237,984 pictures of himself hung around Baghdad.
...Deeply disappointed that Estes company refused to supply him with D-size engines for missile program.
...Favorite Iraqi holiday is National "Compose Glowing Poetry About Saddam While Licking His Boots Clean" Day.
...Has every episode of Love Boat on tape; likes to dub over dialog with his own speeches.
...Sleeps with life-size doll of Joseph Stalin that he refers to it as "Snuggums".
...Has finally crossed the Bush family off his Christmas card list.
...Can't sleep without a night-light and his Scooby Doo pajamas.
...Official Food Taster number 7,938 is his favorite so far.
...Wiped out 94 relatives, three army divisions, the whole Iraqi Olympic Soccer Team, and an entire species of moss after suspecting their involvement in a coup plot.
...Sound management of economy and fiscal discretion will allow complete rebuilding of Iraqi infrastructure by the year 2435.
...Really, really enjoyed dissections in grade school Biology classes.
...Favorite activity is being driven down Saddam Street to Saddam Stadium to watch Team Saddam practice Saddam Ball every Saddam Day.
...Learned his expert military skills through weekly games of Risk.
...Likes to dig up most-hated former enemies and execute them a few more times for satisfaction.
...Seeking to establish his own coalition, he's considering a bold diplomatic offensive to reopen embassies in Liechtenstein, Andorra, and San Marino.
...Has small, adorable puppy named Corpse.
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Signs That You Really Are Going Bald
1. People keep referring to you as 'Captain Picard'.
2. Your part keeps getting wider...and wider.
3. You wear a T-Shirt that says, "The more hair I lose, the more head I get!"
4. People start calling you 'Mr. Clean'.
5. Your hair is actually 5 feet long because you use it to cover the bald part!
6. You get more coupons for Rogaine than you get free America On-Line disks.
7. The thought of growing your eyebrows to preposterous lengths and combing them straight back actually crosses your mind.
8. People always chasing you with billiard sticks.
9. Your name is MICHAEL BOLTON!
10. In the morning, your wife tells you the sun rises twice!
11. You need sunglasses to look at your reflection in the mirror first thing in the morning.
12. You're still using the same bottle of shampoo after two years...and it ain't "economy-sized", neither!
13. The barber starts charging you less for hair-cuts.
14. Movie producers call you to star in a remake of Kojac.
15. You think William Shatner's hair piece looks pretty good!
16. You actually wear that, "Solar panel for a sex machine," t-shirt.
17. Each day takes longer to wash your face.
18. You no longer have a dandruff problem.
19. Your dog is irritated by how much you are shedding.
20. You're not just the President of the Hair Club for Men, you're now a member.
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Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
10. With your wife, visiting her sister.
9. Golfing with the guys
8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend.
7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.
5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.
3. In front of your child's 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher at show and tell time.
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you.
And the number one time never to get a woody is
1. When your best friend, on a guys night out, asks you, "Hey what do you want to do tonight?"
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25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.
Don't miss our original Lists Page
And our second Lists Page
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Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
23 Essential Truths
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
The Benefits of Growing Older
Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say
Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work
Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
Top Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men
You Know You are Living in 2003 When...
10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow
15 Things to do at Wal Mart Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
George W. Bush Lists (on our 'dubbya' page)
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush
Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You
If Microsoft Was Jewish...
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
Signs That You Really Are Going Bald
25 Signs You've Grown Up
Top Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers
Comments Overheard in 1957
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
Top Ten Signs it's Monday
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Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
1. I finished the Oreos.
2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.
3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!
4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!
5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.
6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.
7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.
8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!
9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?
11. Get your *own* ice cream.
12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.
13. Got milk ?
14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?
15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!
16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...
17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!
18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
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Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
...in the 2000 Presidential election.
10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
6. The Private Party... No comment.
5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
4. The Search Party... Looking for members.
3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:
1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
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Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
...And The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.
1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
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Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung
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Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" --JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton
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Little Golden Books That Never Made It
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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9 Ways You Can Tell Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:
1 Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
2 Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
3 Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4 She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
5 You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
6 Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7 Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
8 Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
9 Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
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To All the Drunk Women: 20 Clues to Calling it a Night
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
And another 20...
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.
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23 Essential Truths
1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities
1. Drink molasses 'til you heave
2. Wet bonnet contest
3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
4. Buttermilk kegger
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
6. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
7. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
8. Sleep 'til 6 AM
9. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear
10. Churn butter naked
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Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
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The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush:
16. Rebel Without a Card
15. Austin Bars: The Guy Who Snagged Me
14. Bar Trek: The Next Jennaration
13. Me, Myself and I.D.
12. The Little Barmaid
11. The Keg and I
10. 101 Libations
9. Bend Hurl
8. The Hunt for OctoberFest
7. License to Kill Your Dad's Chances of Re-Election
6. Drunk and Drunker
5. The Clodfather
4. 9 ½ Weeks-of Community Service
3. Heaving Las Cervezas
2.Honey, I've Drunks for Kids!
and the Number 1 Favorite Movie of Jenna Bush...
1. You've Got Bail!
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Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place, then and sigh loudly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting, more sinkers than floaters."
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall. Then say, "Whoops. Could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor, making it visible to the occupant of the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
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The Benefits of Growing Older
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
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Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You:
10 - Lord, Momma Done Burnt the Chicken Again
9 - I Ain't Seen My Daddy Since the 80's: Tales from the Ghetto
8 - Menace II Society 2: The Return of Kaine, Tupac, Biggie and introducing Big Pun
7 - Momma, It's the 1st and the Check Ain't Here: A Ghetto Tragedy
6 - A Tale of Two Baby Daddies
5 - Momma, I'm Pregnant...Again!
4 - Momma, It's the 15th and the Check Still Ain't Here: The Sequel to the Tragedy on the 1st
3 - Lord, How Can I Keep My Lexus and Range Rover on A Secretary's Salary?
2 - Lord, I Hate My Baby Momma: Starring Shawn Kemp and Bobby Brown and Headlining, O.J. Simpson
And the Number One Black Play coming to a theater near you is............
1 - Who Drank All the Damn Kool-Aid: A Ghetto Mystery!
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Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives 'bad hair day' a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. 'I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants.'
3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
and the #1 reason to go to work naked...
1. Your boss will never say, 'I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!' ever again.
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Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support
10 "So...what are you wearing?"
9 "Duuuuude! Bummer!"
8 "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7 "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6 "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
5 "I'm sorry Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4 "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3 "Hold on a second...Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2 "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
1 "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
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Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
10 Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
9 She's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
8 When asked for her phone number, she gives it in hex.
7 Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6 Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5 Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez!" 295 times during the movie The Net.
4 Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3 His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
2 Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1 You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
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Top 10 Reasons Beer is Better Than Religion
10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
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Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute
5. This diamond is way too big
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look to small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again
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Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy
7. Her tits are just too big
6. Sometimes I just want to be held
5. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, lets go shopping and I can hold your purse
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
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12 Lines to Get Out of Jury Duty
1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.
2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.
3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I'd believe him
4. I think laws are for sissies.
5. Would I have to bathe?
6. Can each of my personalities vote in the deliberation?
7. My religion specifically prohibits me from sitting near other people.
8. Your marshall's handcuffs are turning me on.
9. A pit bull named [defendant's first name] just killed my baby.
10. I have Tourette's syndrome, you %&#@&%@ %#@&#$%.
11. I get dizzy if I try to weigh evidence.
12. An eye for an eye. I say we take his head for an eye (point at defendant).
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Top 15 Indications You're Having a Bad Hair Day
15. A horrified Don King offers you his comb.
14. Like magic, your ponytail stays in place with no rubber band.
13. Head lice have formed a tenant's union and are demanding renovations.
12. Sparrows divebomb your head territorially.
11. During lunch hour, your hair robs a nearby convenience store.
10. Your hair gets caught in the vacuum cleaner and the ceiling fan -- simultaneously.
9. Thumbs up from Dennis Rodman at last night's Bulls game.
8. You're selected as the next male cast member of "Friends."
7. Your date can't quite decide which one of the Little Rascals you resemble the most.
6. Rod Stewart, Lyle Lovett and Michael Bolton over at the next table pointing and laughing their asses off.
5. An hour before the square dance, and there's not an ounce of bacon fat to be found!
4. Three cans of hairspray and you *still* look like the flying nun.
3. To get to your office from the parking lot, you have to tack into the wind three times.
2. Someone mistakes your silhouette for Patti Labelle holding an umbrella.
and the Number One Indication You're Having a Bad Hair Day...
1. You spend the whole day fending off the advances of Ted Koppel's wife.
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If Microsoft Was Jewish...
1. Instead of getting a "general protection fault" error, your PC would get "verklempt".
2. "Year 2000" issues are replace by "year 5760-5761" issues.
3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "flying dreidels".
4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
5. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 48 hours.
6. Your "start" button would be replaced with a "let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - you're killing me. You vant I should try again? I didn't hear that!".
8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of the PC, you would be instructed to "remove the cable from the PC's tucas".
9. Internet Explorer would have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
10. You would hear the tune "Halva Nagila" during startup.
11. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message.
12. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "OY!"
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Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
1. "I'm down here."
2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
3. I was once a lawn ornament for NSYNC. Want to meet them?
4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.
5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?
7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a little wild man.
9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!
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Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
1. American Express calls and says; "Definitely leave home without it."
2. Your idea of a 7 course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
4. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
5. You finally clean your house, hoping to find loose change.
6. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
7. Sally Struthers sends you food.
8. You go back for seconds at communion.
9. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
10. You rob Peter and then you rob Paul.
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Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my car. GO CRAZY!
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. Here's $100.
1. What do I want for Father's day? Aahh -- don't worry about that. It's no big deal.
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Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
4. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
3. You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
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Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
...and the number one sign your Amish teen is in trouble...
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards!
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Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry (immediate results).
2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.
3. Answer every one of their questions with: "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
4. Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.
5. Excuse yourself from your living room (or wherever)... and don't come back.
6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)
7. Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
8. Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
9. (Males only) Feign an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole nine yards. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout, and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a # 7. If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.
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Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
"We're all out of red, so I used pink."
"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"
"Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."
"That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."
"I HATE it when I get the hiccups."
"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."
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Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
(To Women's Stupid Questions... but never will)
10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.
9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.
7. No, I won't be gentle.
6. Of course you have to swallow.
5. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
4. I hate your fucking friends.
3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
2. I'd rather watch a stick movie
1. Eat it? It took me 20 beers to get up the courage to fuck it.
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30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
1. I just love how Barry Manilow sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Boy, that Barbara Walters on "20/20" is one sexy babe.
6. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our relationship.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
8. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch something meaningful on the "Lifetime Channel."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
11. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote.
12. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!
26. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
27. Let's talk. I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie?
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Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work
1. You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2002
2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
3. You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
4. You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
5. People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
6. No longer content with merely photocopying your hand, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.
7. You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
8. The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
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Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
...Hasn't actually read the Koran, but has definitely skimmed the Cliff's Notes several times.
...Cries while listening to Carpenters albums.
...Busy burning all his valentines from Osama.
...Merciless chemical gassing of his own people was actually "a cry for help".
...Former school classmates who teased him now floating in jars in his den.
...Wants 239th palace to have an Elvis theme.
...Enjoys long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners after long day of overseeing brutal torture of dissidents.
...Bought an Abdomenizer after watching late-night infomercial, but it's just sitting on closet shelf in underground bunker.
...Has a secret plan for reducing desertion rate of troops in future wars to only 96%.
...Now privately admits that "Mother of All Battles" was actually more like "Third Cousin In Law's Niece of All Battles".
...Has a nervous habit of flicking his lighter when he sees oil wells.
...Has a soft spot for his Chief Torturer and presented him with a monogrammed soldering iron for his birthday.
...Has several Pokemon characters tattooed on his ass.
...Sometimes gets "just a little creeped out" by 237,984 pictures of himself hung around Baghdad.
...Deeply disappointed that Estes company refused to supply him with D-size engines for missile program.
...Favorite Iraqi holiday is National "Compose Glowing Poetry About Saddam While Licking His Boots Clean" Day.
...Has every episode of Love Boat on tape; likes to dub over dialog with his own speeches.
...Sleeps with life-size doll of Joseph Stalin that he refers to it as "Snuggums".
...Has finally crossed the Bush family off his Christmas card list.
...Can't sleep without a night-light and his Scooby Doo pajamas.
...Official Food Taster number 7,938 is his favorite so far.
...Wiped out 94 relatives, three army divisions, the whole Iraqi Olympic Soccer Team, and an entire species of moss after suspecting their involvement in a coup plot.
...Sound management of economy and fiscal discretion will allow complete rebuilding of Iraqi infrastructure by the year 2435.
...Really, really enjoyed dissections in grade school Biology classes.
...Favorite activity is being driven down Saddam Street to Saddam Stadium to watch Team Saddam practice Saddam Ball every Saddam Day.
...Learned his expert military skills through weekly games of Risk.
...Likes to dig up most-hated former enemies and execute them a few more times for satisfaction.
...Seeking to establish his own coalition, he's considering a bold diplomatic offensive to reopen embassies in Liechtenstein, Andorra, and San Marino.
...Has small, adorable puppy named Corpse.
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Signs That You Really Are Going Bald
1. People keep referring to you as 'Captain Picard'.
2. Your part keeps getting wider...and wider.
3. You wear a T-Shirt that says, "The more hair I lose, the more head I get!"
4. People start calling you 'Mr. Clean'.
5. Your hair is actually 5 feet long because you use it to cover the bald part!
6. You get more coupons for Rogaine than you get free America On-Line disks.
7. The thought of growing your eyebrows to preposterous lengths and combing them straight back actually crosses your mind.
8. People always chasing you with billiard sticks.
9. Your name is MICHAEL BOLTON!
10. In the morning, your wife tells you the sun rises twice!
11. You need sunglasses to look at your reflection in the mirror first thing in the morning.
12. You're still using the same bottle of shampoo after two years...and it ain't "economy-sized", neither!
13. The barber starts charging you less for hair-cuts.
14. Movie producers call you to star in a remake of Kojac.
15. You think William Shatner's hair piece looks pretty good!
16. You actually wear that, "Solar panel for a sex machine," t-shirt.
17. Each day takes longer to wash your face.
18. You no longer have a dandruff problem.
19. Your dog is irritated by how much you are shedding.
20. You're not just the President of the Hair Club for Men, you're now a member.
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Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
10. With your wife, visiting her sister.
9. Golfing with the guys
8. With your wife, and accidentally run into your ex-girlfriend.
7. Showering with the guys after a basketball game.
6. Visiting a friend in the slammer.
5. While being pulled over for a traffic citation.
4. Shaking hands with your pastor/priest after church.
3. In front of your child's 3rd grade class, looking at the teacher at show and tell time.
2. Standing on the subway with a bunch of nuns watching you.
And the number one time never to get a woody is
1. When your best friend, on a guys night out, asks you, "Hey what do you want to do tonight?"
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25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.
Monday, November 22, 2010
A Martha Stewart Christmas
Dec. 1
Blanche carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside-down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
(Jennifer Earner, Vienna)
Dec. 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
(Stephen Dudzik)
Dec. 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
(Virginia Ann James, Alexandria)
Dec. 4
Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Russell Beland, Springfield)
Dec. 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
(Ann Makowski, Alexandria)
Dec. 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
(Stephen Dudzik. Silver Spring)
Dec. 7
Debug Windows 95.
(Paul Styrene, Olney)
Dec. 10
Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.
(Paul Styrene, Olney)
Dec. 11
Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Dec. 12
Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
(Art Grinath, Tacoma Park)
Dec. 13
Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
(Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington)
Dec. 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
(Tracy Kiely, Laurel)
Dec. 15
Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.
(Joel Knasnishu, Hyattsville)
Dec. 17
Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
(Lillian Wray, Annapolis)
Dec. 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Dec. 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
(Sarah Worchester, Bowie)
Dec. 21
Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
(Aaron Goldschmidt and Dorothy Hickson, Arlington; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
Dec. 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Dec. 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
(Mimi Jordan, Gaithersburg; Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Dec. 24
Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
(Med Sullivan, Potomac)
Dec. 25
Bear son. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
(Kevin Vail and David Starn, Bethesda; Jessica Steinhice, Washington)
Dec. 26
Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.
(Russell W. Beland, Springfield)
Dec. 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)
Dec. 31 (tie)
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
(Ann Makowski, Alexandria)
Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax; Robin D. Grove, Baltimore)
Jan. 1
Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for the year.
(Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington)
Jan. 3
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)
Jan. 5
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Jan. 7
Lay Faberge egg.
(Maja Keech, New Carrollton)
Jan. 8
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump.
(Jean Sorenson, Herndon)
Jan. 10
Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Jan. 13
Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their dismissal notes.
(Virginia Ann James, Alexandria)
Jan. 15
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY)
Jan. 16.
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
(Sarah Worchester, Bowie)
Jan. 20
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Jan. 21
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Jan. 23
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse)
Jan. 25
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of all the peopleyou do not know.
(Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington)
Jan. 26
Review Christmas show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
(J.F. Martin, Moover, AL)
Jan. 28
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
(Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington)
Jan. 31
Gild lillies.
(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
Dec. 1
Blanche carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside-down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
(Jennifer Earner, Vienna)
Dec. 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
(Stephen Dudzik)
Dec. 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
(Virginia Ann James, Alexandria)
Dec. 4
Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Russell Beland, Springfield)
Dec. 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
(Ann Makowski, Alexandria)
Dec. 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
(Stephen Dudzik. Silver Spring)
Dec. 7
Debug Windows 95.
(Paul Styrene, Olney)
Dec. 10
Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.
(Paul Styrene, Olney)
Dec. 11
Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Dec. 12
Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
(Art Grinath, Tacoma Park)
Dec. 13
Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
(Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington)
Dec. 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
(Tracy Kiely, Laurel)
Dec. 15
Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.
(Joel Knasnishu, Hyattsville)
Dec. 17
Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
(Lillian Wray, Annapolis)
Dec. 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Dec. 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
(Sarah Worchester, Bowie)
Dec. 21
Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
(Aaron Goldschmidt and Dorothy Hickson, Arlington; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
Dec. 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Dec. 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
(Mimi Jordan, Gaithersburg; Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Dec. 24
Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
(Med Sullivan, Potomac)
Dec. 25
Bear son. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
(Kevin Vail and David Starn, Bethesda; Jessica Steinhice, Washington)
Dec. 26
Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.
(Russell W. Beland, Springfield)
Dec. 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)
Dec. 31 (tie)
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
(Ann Makowski, Alexandria)
Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax; Robin D. Grove, Baltimore)
Jan. 1
Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for the year.
(Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington)
Jan. 3
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)
Jan. 5
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Jan. 7
Lay Faberge egg.
(Maja Keech, New Carrollton)
Jan. 8
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump.
(Jean Sorenson, Herndon)
Jan. 10
Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Jan. 13
Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their dismissal notes.
(Virginia Ann James, Alexandria)
Jan. 15
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY)
Jan. 16.
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
(Sarah Worchester, Bowie)
Jan. 20
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Jan. 21
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Jan. 23
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse)
Jan. 25
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of all the peopleyou do not know.
(Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington)
Jan. 26
Review Christmas show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
(J.F. Martin, Moover, AL)
Jan. 28
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
(Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington)
Jan. 31
Gild lillies.
(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
Friday, November 19, 2010
Witticisms
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don't care, I don't have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
I love cats ... dead ones
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?
I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
Hang up and drive.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
I have the body of a god... Buddha!
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy
If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
Guns don't kill people... but they make it real easy.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Tow-ers will be violated
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don't care, I don't have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
I love cats ... dead ones
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?
I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
Hang up and drive.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
I have the body of a god... Buddha!
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy
If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
Guns don't kill people... but they make it real easy.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Tow-ers will be violated
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimums.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5 .I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimums.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree & 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimums.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5 .I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimums.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree & 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
You Know You're Too Stressed If...
...relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
...you can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...the Sun is too loud.
...trees begin chasing you.
...you can see individual air molecules vibrating.
...you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
...you wonder if brewingis really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.
...you can hear mimes.
...you believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
...things become "Very Clear."
...you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
...you begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...you keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room.
...your heart beats in 7/8 time.
...David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey! Can I film you?"
...you and Reality file for divorce.
...you can skip without a rope.
...it appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
...you have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
...you can travel without moving.
...antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
...you discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
...you begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
...teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
...you have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
...you can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...the Sun is too loud.
...trees begin chasing you.
...you can see individual air molecules vibrating.
...you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
...you wonder if brewingis really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.
...you can hear mimes.
...you believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
...things become "Very Clear."
...you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.
...you begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
...you keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room.
...your heart beats in 7/8 time.
...David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey! Can I film you?"
...you and Reality file for divorce.
...you can skip without a rope.
...it appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
...you have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
...you can travel without moving.
...antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
...you discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.
...you begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
...teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.
...you have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.
...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
You're stuck between the Baby Boomers and Generations X'ers if:
1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.
3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song (Just eat it, eat it, don't make me repeat it...)
4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"
5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.
6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.
7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.
9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.
10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
11 You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger...When I was your age...You know,back when...
13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language (Conjunction junction, what's your function....).
14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.
15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace".
16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.
17. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.
20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting."
21. You've shopped at a Benetton.
1. You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat handle comb in the back pocket was cool.
2. In your class picture you were wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up.
3. You know by heart the words to any Weird Al Yankovic song (Just eat it, eat it, don't make me repeat it...)
4. You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark!"
5. Three words: ATARI, IntelliVision and Coleco, sound familiar.
6. You remember the premier of MTV, in fact, you remember the Friday Night Videos before the days of MTV.
7. A predominant color in your childhood photos is plaid.
8. While in high school, you and your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play Prince's "1999" until you passed out partying.
9. You remember when music that was labeled alternative, really was alternative. And when alternative comedy really was funny.
10. You took family trips BEFORE the invention of the minivan.
11 You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
12. You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: When I was younger...When I was your age...You know,back when...
13. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language (Conjunction junction, what's your function....).
14. You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna or Cyndi Lauper video.
15. The first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during either "Crazy for You" or "Leather and Lace".
16. You remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made our old Big Wheel quite obsolete.
17. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
18. You honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
19. You had a crush on either Ted the photographer on The Love Boat, Gage from Emergency or Ponch the motorcycle cop from CHiPs.
20. Your hair at some point in time in the 80's became something which can only be described by the phrase, "I was experimenting."
21. You've shopped at a Benetton.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Love, Lust and Marriage
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AoL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AoL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A Martha Stewart Christmas
The following are entries submitted in the Washington Post's "Style Invitational," a weekly humor contest. This time, folks were asked to submit entries for Martha Stewart's December-January calendar (the winning entry, by the way, is shown for Jan. 31.)
Dec. 1
Blanche carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside-down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
(Jennifer Earner, Vienna)
Dec. 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
(Stephen Dudzik)
Dec. 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
(Virginia Ann James, Alexandria)
Dec. 4
Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Russell Beland, Springfield)
Dec. 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
(Ann Makowski, Alexandria)
Dec. 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
(Stephen Dudzik. Silver Spring)
Dec. 7
Debug Windows 95.
(Paul Styrene, Olney)
Dec. 10
Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.
(Paul Styrene, Olney)
Dec. 11
Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Dec. 12
Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
(Art Grinath, Tacoma Park)
Dec. 13
Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
(Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington)
Dec. 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
(Tracy Kiely, Laurel)
Dec. 15
Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.
(Joel Knasnishu, Hyattsville)
Dec. 17
Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
(Lillian Wray, Annapolis)
Dec. 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Dec. 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
(Sarah Worchester, Bowie)
Dec. 21
Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
(Aaron Goldschmidt and Dorothy Hickson, Arlington; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
Dec. 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Dec. 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
(Mimi Jordan, Gaithersburg; Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Dec. 24
Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
(Med Sullivan, Potomac)
Dec. 25
Bear son. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
(Kevin Vail and David Starn, Bethesda; Jessica Steinhice, Washington)
Dec. 26
Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.
(Russell W. Beland, Springfield)
Dec. 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)
Dec. 31 (tie)
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
(Ann Makowski, Alexandria)
Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax; Robin D. Grove, Baltimore)
Jan. 1
Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for the year.
(Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington)
Jan. 3
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)
Jan. 5
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Jan. 7
Lay Faberge egg.
(Maja Keech, New Carrollton)
Jan. 8
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump.
(Jean Sorenson, Herndon)
Jan. 10
Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Jan. 13
Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their dismissal notes.
(Virginia Ann James, Alexandria)
Jan. 15
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY)
Jan. 16.
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
(Sarah Worchester, Bowie)
Jan. 20
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Jan. 21
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Jan. 23
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse)
Jan. 25
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of all the peopleyou do not know.
(Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington)
Jan. 26
Review Christmas show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
(J.F. Martin, Moover, AL)
Jan. 28
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
(Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington)
Jan. 31
Gild lillies.
(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
The following are entries submitted in the Washington Post's "Style Invitational," a weekly humor contest. This time, folks were asked to submit entries for Martha Stewart's December-January calendar (the winning entry, by the way, is shown for Jan. 31.)
Dec. 1
Blanche carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray-paint gold, turn upside-down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
(Jennifer Earner, Vienna)
Dec. 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
(Stephen Dudzik)
Dec. 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
(Virginia Ann James, Alexandria)
Dec. 4
Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Russell Beland, Springfield)
Dec. 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
(Ann Makowski, Alexandria)
Dec. 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
(Stephen Dudzik. Silver Spring)
Dec. 7
Debug Windows 95.
(Paul Styrene, Olney)
Dec. 10
Finish needlepoint colostomy bag cozy.
(Paul Styrene, Olney)
Dec. 11
Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Dec. 12
Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
(Art Grinath, Tacoma Park)
Dec. 13
Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
(Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington)
Dec. 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
(Tracy Kiely, Laurel)
Dec. 15
Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at the mall.
(Joel Knasnishu, Hyattsville)
Dec. 17
Childproof the Christmas tree with garlands of razor wire.
(Lillian Wray, Annapolis)
Dec. 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Dec. 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
(Sarah Worchester, Bowie)
Dec. 21
Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
(Aaron Goldschmidt and Dorothy Hickson, Arlington; Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
Dec. 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Dec. 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
(Mimi Jordan, Gaithersburg; Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Dec. 24
Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
(Med Sullivan, Potomac)
Dec. 25
Bear son. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
(Kevin Vail and David Starn, Bethesda; Jessica Steinhice, Washington)
Dec. 26
Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends and relatives.
(Russell W. Beland, Springfield)
Dec. 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)
Dec. 31 (tie)
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
(Ann Makowski, Alexandria)
Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax; Robin D. Grove, Baltimore)
Jan. 1
Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for the year.
(Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington)
Jan. 3
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)
Jan. 5
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Jan. 7
Lay Faberge egg.
(Maja Keech, New Carrollton)
Jan. 8
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts into heat pump.
(Jean Sorenson, Herndon)
Jan. 10
Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Jan. 13
Spin silk cord to garrotte squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand-write staff their dismissal notes.
(Virginia Ann James, Alexandria)
Jan. 15
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, NY)
Jan. 16.
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
(Sarah Worchester, Bowie)
Jan. 20
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Jan. 21
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Jan. 23
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse)
Jan. 25
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of all the peopleyou do not know.
(Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington)
Jan. 26
Review Christmas show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
(J.F. Martin, Moover, AL)
Jan. 28
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
(Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington)
Jan. 31
Gild lillies.
(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Stupid Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign
The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign
The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Benefits of Being a Woman
We got off the Titanic first.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks, free dinners.
We can hug our friends without wondering if they're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
We got off the Titanic first.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get off speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
Free drinks, free dinners.
We can hug our friends without wondering if they're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Ass "Emoticons"
(_E=3Dmc2_) A smart ass
(_13_) An unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_!_) A regular "nice" ass
(__!__) A large ass
(!) A tight ass
(_._) A flat ass
(_^_) A bubbly ass
(_*_) A sore ass
(_!__) A lop-sided ass
{_!_} A squishy ass
(_o_) An ass that's been around
(_O_) And more....
(_x_) Kiss my ass
(_X_) "Get off my ass"
(_zzz_) A tired ass
(_o^o_) A wise ass
(_13_) An unlucky ass
(_?_) Dumb ass
(_E=3Dmc2_) A smart ass
(_13_) An unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_!_) A regular "nice" ass
(__!__) A large ass
(!) A tight ass
(_._) A flat ass
(_^_) A bubbly ass
(_*_) A sore ass
(_!__) A lop-sided ass
{_!_} A squishy ass
(_o_) An ass that's been around
(_O_) And more....
(_x_) Kiss my ass
(_X_) "Get off my ass"
(_zzz_) A tired ass
(_o^o_) A wise ass
(_13_) An unlucky ass
(_?_) Dumb ass
Saturday, November 6, 2010
You Might Be A Scrooge If...
If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon -- you just might be a Scrooge
If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away -- you just might be a Scrooge
If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata -- you just might be a Scrooge
If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night -- you just might be a Scrooge
If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon - you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park - you just might be a Scrooge
If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log - you just might be a Scrooge
If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat - you just might be a Scrooge
If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets -- you just might be a scrooge
If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" is sung by the KKK choir - you just might be a RED NECKED Scrooge
If your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn characters with eggnog - you just might be a Scrooge
If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin - you just might be a Scrooge
If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon -- you just might be a Scrooge
If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away -- you just might be a Scrooge
If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata -- you just might be a Scrooge
If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night -- you just might be a Scrooge
If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon - you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park - you just might be a Scrooge
If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log - you just might be a Scrooge
If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat - you just might be a Scrooge
If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets -- you just might be a scrooge
If your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson -- you just might be a Scrooge
If your favorite version of "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" is sung by the KKK choir - you just might be a RED NECKED Scrooge
If your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn characters with eggnog - you just might be a Scrooge
If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin - you just might be a Scrooge
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