Sorry, had a small little vacation. Not really, just had an Alzheimer's moment and forgot to post! haha

For Men Who Can't Figure It Out

Jokes

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:
You make the bed +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1

You leave the toilet seat up -5

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty 0

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1

When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom -2

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings +5

But return with beer -5

You check out a suspicious noise at night 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something. +5

You pummel it with a six iron +10

It's her father -10


Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy -2

Named Lisa -4

Lisa is a dancer -6

Lisa is an old girlfriend -8


Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1

Okay, it is a sports bar -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. -10


A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal -5

And the pal is happily married -4

Or frighteningly single -7

And he drives a Mustang -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) -15


A Night Out:
You take her to a movie +2

You take her to a movie she likes +4

You take her to a movie you hate +6

You take her to a movie you like -2

It's called Death Cop 3 -3

Which features cyborgs having sex -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -5


Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of +10

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -30

You say -I don't care because you have one too -800


The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" -5

You hesitate in responding -10

You reply, Where? -35


Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression 0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep -20

Funny Horoscopes

Jokes

Whether you take them seriously or not, everyone has looked at their horoscope from time to time. Here at DeepLake Jokes, we show you some of the more bizarre horoscopes!

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18. Stay focused. You're wasting way too many bullets!
Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20. Love is adventurous, so try something you've never tried before. Well, all right, maybe not with an animal from SeaWorld.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19. You get more attention than you bargained for when the Eyewitness News Team does a feature on sleazy-out-of-the-way-motels-where-cheating-lovers-meet. Film at 11.

Taurus April 20 - May 20. Remember that funny mole on your arm that changed colors overnight and began to look like Abe Lincoln and you always meant to do something about it but never quite got the time? Don't bother. Really.

Gemini May 21-June 21. Low energy level this week means you should make friends with a cross country truck driver.

Cancer June 22-July 22. Someone is wishing they could play Michael Gelman to your Regis Philbin.

Leo July 23-Aug 22. That special item you bought at the garage sale for cheap makes a big change in your life when you're charged with having passed a counterfeit twenty dollar bill in order to buy it.

Virgo Aug 23-Sept 22. Watch the emotions this week when it comes to sexual relationships. With the Moon in Uranus (ouch!) you're practically a slut.

Libra Sept 23 - Oct 23. This is a good week to wear a disguise.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 21. Follow your heart. If you need help, the man in black with the Tattoo that says, "Death Rocks" has it in the backseat.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21. Parents or older relatives will try to meddle in your affairs. Since they have you in their will, just chill out.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19. Be confident this week in terms of making decisions. They'll be the wrong ones, of course, but make them with gusto!

FIVE DAYS! Sorry it has been so long since I posted, in my defense it was the last week of school and I had to get work out of my children before the lazy days of summer hit. Back on track now!
So paid someone to come in and clean my carpets, which they did a wonderful job but I really think I worked harder. I dusted and cleaned and moved things that I had been putting off. So today I am sore and am going to sit in my chair and work all day long! Hope you have a great day! My thoughts and prayer go out to those effected by the Joplin, MO tornado. I received an email this morning from a child who lost their entire house.
At first I was trying to figure out why they were emailing me, but as the note grew longer I discovered that this thirteen year old had lost all of her books and personal belongings. I think she was just looking for something that would be familiar and needed to express some feelings. I was lucky enough to be the one she sent and email to from the schools library from where her and her family had been staying.
Not telling this story to toot my own horn, but I did contact my agent and had a kindle preloaded with books sent to her express mail. She should receive it tomorrow. I will keep updated. The purpose of the story is to spread awareness for the fact we are able to help people in our own backyard.

Things You Wish You Had The Guts To Say

Top

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a damn.

Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

What am I?... Flypaper for freaks!

And your cry-baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

CHAOS, PANIC, & DISORDER - my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

The Great List Of Movie Cliches

Top

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds.

Unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

Everyone knows the words to every song you want to sing and will sing along with you. They can even carry the solo part so that they can sing the song back to you, even if they have never heard the song until you sang half of it.

Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one laying around the next time you need one.

Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -- even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade at any time of the year.

If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath. Even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically pressing the cradle switch and saying, "Hello? Hello?"

If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

Many musical instruments, especially wind instruments and accordions, can be played without moving the fingers.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings, especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

Most dogs are immortal.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off -- even while scuba diving.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

The Chief of Police is always black.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill. Just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Top Warning Signs of Insanity

-Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

-Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

-You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

-You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

-Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
yourself on it.

-You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
evil dandruff spirits.

-You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.

-Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

-People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

-Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

-You laugh out loud during funerals.

-When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

-Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.

-You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one
day seek revenge.

-You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

-Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
little illusion.

-You collect dead windowsill flies.

-Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

-You like cats. Especially with mayo.

-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

-You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
weren't rescued.

-You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

-Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

-You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

-You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.

-Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

-Melba toast excites you.

Well, I had such an eventful weekend I had to blog about it. It all started when my middle daughter wanted her hair dyed. She is a bleach blonde but wanted to go a little darker blonde. I changed her hair to bluish grey accidentally. Although I found it funny she did not.
We went to dinner at a Vietnamese restaurant and mad so much noise I am surprised we were not kicked out. The next day we went to a movie and answered the age old question who would win in a fight with the Rock vs. Van Diesel. Van Diesel.
All in all a very exciting weekend. My advice to those who want to dye their hair. Stay away from me!

Still raining, you know I made a comment on my facebook page about so much rain was going to undercover the bodies in the garden and my children seem to think I am going to get arrested if I keep making jokes like that.
After living with me they should know that it would only be something else I would blog about. I feel like they are embarrassed by me at times and I say good, I am doing my job.
School is coming to and end and they will be at my mercy for the next three months. I am pretty sure by the end of the summer they will be crying to go back to school! As it should be!

Rain, Rain, Rain! Wow we are getting something falling from the sky and it is actually sinking in the ground! It is amazing! I love days like today because I may be able to work. There is nothing like a cold rainy day making you feel like sitting down and cuddling under a blanket dreaming up my stories.

Today's topic is why they have to constantly kill people off my shows. It really pisses me off when they ruin a good thing. I understand that sometimes they have to shake things up and kill someone off but really, must they always kill the most popular people on shows. It is pissing me off. I think they should bring a new person on every year and at the end kill them off and them we will know that our favorites are staying.!

Once again getting no work done because I have a track meet to go to. I swear I am so glad that it is the end of the year. Of course then the kids will be out of school and be hanging around saying they are bored and want me to entertain them but oh well.

So once again in the news a child brought a bb gun to school and shot six children and is suspended. Where the heck are the parents? I told my my son when he was smaller and enthralled with guns that he was absolutely never to mention, refer to or plat guns in school and even went so far as to scare the shit out of him when he mentioned even after school. I admit that I have bought him toy guns however, I have also drummed into his head the rules. Gosh what is our world coming to?

I hope everyone had a great Mothers Day and also made sure they repectfully and appropriatly made sure their mothers were taken care of.

It is a Monday! I hate the day! And this Friday will be Friday the 13th. I really hope you are all preparing for the day that inevitably got goes to shit. Granted we will have a reason to blame our crappy mood and bad luck but still I feel like we should prepare none the less.

So on Wendsday I would remind everyone to make sure their favorite liquor os stocked and on Thursday all appointments canceled foro the following day. Then we can all be prepared and hungover togehter on Sat!

Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, I want to wish all of the mothers a Happy Mothers Day and hope that your children's and spouses take good care of you on your special day!
Last night I had to take my best friend to the emergency room because she broke her hand while exercising. I know what you are all thinking, and although she may be a klutz she did prove one thing for me. Exercising is dangerous and I feel that I would be remiss if I did not warn all of you the hazards of participating in this kind of activity. I think it would be safer if we all sat on the couch and ate bon bons and were pampered. Only in my dreams!!

So I am sitting and watching the news with my cup of coffee and this woman who went in a for normal dental surgery came out with an English accent. They say it is some kind of neurological disorder. Well I want one. Wouldn't it be cool to suddenly have a different accent than what you were born with and not have to work at it. Boy that would really mess people up.
This was not the topic for the day because I was just sitting here watching it and felt like saying something.
Topic for today is bullying.
I have listened to it on the news and experienced it with my children. I am sick and tied of the parents of theses children getting off with their kids acting like little assholes. When is someone going to press charges against the adults for this. I have one child who could have easily turned into a bully because she is very black and white and sometimes says things that could be hurtful, however. I have talked with her about this and also I have made sure that she is self aware. Sometimes yes, she does have to apologize for her mouth but I think this is a growing experience and if she ever did anything remotely close to bullying that would make someone feel so bad that they thought about suicide i would be the one to beat her ass.
Parents, pay attention. I think you need to start taking responsibility for this. If not, well I may strike up a campaign for parents. Because none of the counseling in the world will ever help these bullying children if the parents are not going to help.

Today's topic is Bin Laden.

So I may be in the minority here but I really feel they should release the photos of that asshole. Many people need the closure and those who do not want to see it don't have to.
I have also listened to the news and heard one person criticize the Navy Seal who shot Bin Laden because he was not armed. To that person I say screw you. If I knew how to shot a gun and could do so without seriously harming myself I would have shot him. He deserved everything her got.

I also have to say that all of the pictures of out President sitting and watching what was going on in a political ploy. It is his job. He acts proud of the men in women in the service then cuts the funding that allows them to do their job. He has decimated the military and will be one of the reasons that our country will be weaker.

Today's topic is the idiots who are pissing me off!
So, yes had alot of work today and the brain trusts that control the gas company. Xcel energy is a bunch of dumbasses.
First they have a problem in the neighborhood of a gas leak and so they shut off every ones gas and they went door to door to tell people/ Well, some of us work duh, so they had to leave it shut off until someone was home. Do they leave a note, NO, do they call, NO, do they think we are supposed to read their minds YES.
So now I get to waste time waiting for these lovely butt crack showing ass wipes to come back and turn on the gas. I swear sometimes it should be like the old days!

I have decided that I am sick of just posting lists and so therefore I will be once again blogging in earnest.
Today's discussion: Bin Laden

I am so proud of our military, and hope that it brings peace to those who were killed in the 9 11 attacks.
That being said, I hope the bastard rots in hell and knows that we are all cheering and happy that he is dead.





Seminars for Females as Suggested by Men

Funny

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

6. The Seven-Outfit Week

7. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it"

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "Me Too" Equals I Love You

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics = Good"

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+Channels

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock"

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?