Why ask Why
Funny
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why do noses run and feet smell?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
What if Condoms had Corporate Sponsors
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use Dial? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
Kentucky Fried Chicken Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
Nature Valley: The Candy Bar Nature Intended
Absolut Condoms: ABSOLUT BONER.
Pontiac Condoms: We build excitement
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Arch Deluxe Condoms: The condom with the grown up taste.
M&M's Condoms: Melts in your mouth not in your hands
VW Condoms: Drivers wanted
BASF Condoms: We don't make the condom, we make the condom moister.
GE Condoms: We bring good things to life.
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use Dial? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
Kentucky Fried Chicken Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
Nature Valley: The Candy Bar Nature Intended
Absolut Condoms: ABSOLUT BONER.
Pontiac Condoms: We build excitement
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Arch Deluxe Condoms: The condom with the grown up taste.
M&M's Condoms: Melts in your mouth not in your hands
VW Condoms: Drivers wanted
BASF Condoms: We don't make the condom, we make the condom moister.
GE Condoms: We bring good things to life.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Redneck Computer Terms
Funny
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear Even More!
LOG ON: Makin the woodstove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truck.
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
RAM: That thar thang whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its' blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
CHIP: Munchies for the TV.
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag.
INFRARED: Whur the left over muchies go (Fred eats them).
MODEM: Whatcha do to the hay fields.
DOT MARTIX: Ol Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys.
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and knifs.
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the brain.
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf.
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
ENTER: Northern fer "c'mon in ya'll.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't member whut ya paid foe new rifle when yore wife asks.
Funny
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear Even More!
LOG ON: Makin the woodstove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truck.
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
RAM: That thar thang whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its' blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
CHIP: Munchies for the TV.
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag.
INFRARED: Whur the left over muchies go (Fred eats them).
MODEM: Whatcha do to the hay fields.
DOT MARTIX: Ol Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys.
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and knifs.
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the brain.
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf.
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
ENTER: Northern fer "c'mon in ya'll.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't member whut ya paid foe new rifle when yore wife asks.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Philosophy Time
Top
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
* Does fuzzy logic tickle?
* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
* I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
* If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly,is a fog horn made out of?
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above (below?) your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corrolary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
* When pie are squared you get Pop Tarts.
* I prefer the sign that says "No Entry" to the one that says "No Exit"
* It is unhealthy to live. He who lives, dies.
* Sometimes I feel like such an incredible nothing.
* It's funny how entertaining you can be to some people just by listening to them.
* Compact cars make people look bigger.
* No pleasure is enjoyed without some measure of pain.
* If you clap with one hand, will it make a sound?
* Less is more.
* The first condition of immortality is death.
* They can because they think they can.
* Think before you think.
* To be a leader, watch where others are headed then run out in front of them.
* Fear not that your life will end, but rather that it will never begin.
* Strangers are only friends we haven't met.
* That which we are, we are...
* Sure it's a cruel world, but where else is there to go.
* We are the people our parents warn us about.
* Some people think it's the holding on that makes us strong. Sometimes it's the letting go.
* Disclaimer: We have no wish to offend you unless you're a twit.
* If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
* Anarchy - It's not the law, it's just a good idea.
* The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
* It's not the principle of the thing. It's the money.
* Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
* All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
* Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
* Sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
* The breakfast of champions is the opposition.
* If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
* Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
* Always do right. This will gratify many people, and astonish the rest.
* Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you frantic.
* Decadence is its own reward.
* An honest politician is one who stays bought.
* Organize for anarchy!
* Circular definition: see "circular definition."
* Help! The paranoids are out to get me!
* According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
* I don't see you, so don't pretend you're there
* If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
* When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
* "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Top
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
* Does fuzzy logic tickle?
* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
* I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
* If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly,is a fog horn made out of?
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above (below?) your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corrolary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
* When pie are squared you get Pop Tarts.
* I prefer the sign that says "No Entry" to the one that says "No Exit"
* It is unhealthy to live. He who lives, dies.
* Sometimes I feel like such an incredible nothing.
* It's funny how entertaining you can be to some people just by listening to them.
* Compact cars make people look bigger.
* No pleasure is enjoyed without some measure of pain.
* If you clap with one hand, will it make a sound?
* Less is more.
* The first condition of immortality is death.
* They can because they think they can.
* Think before you think.
* To be a leader, watch where others are headed then run out in front of them.
* Fear not that your life will end, but rather that it will never begin.
* Strangers are only friends we haven't met.
* That which we are, we are...
* Sure it's a cruel world, but where else is there to go.
* We are the people our parents warn us about.
* Some people think it's the holding on that makes us strong. Sometimes it's the letting go.
* Disclaimer: We have no wish to offend you unless you're a twit.
* If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
* Anarchy - It's not the law, it's just a good idea.
* The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
* It's not the principle of the thing. It's the money.
* Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
* All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
* Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
* Sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
* The breakfast of champions is the opposition.
* If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
* Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
* Always do right. This will gratify many people, and astonish the rest.
* Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you frantic.
* Decadence is its own reward.
* An honest politician is one who stays bought.
* Organize for anarchy!
* Circular definition: see "circular definition."
* Help! The paranoids are out to get me!
* According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
* I don't see you, so don't pretend you're there
* If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
* When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
* "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Funny One Liners 3
Jokes
There is always a someone worse off than yourself.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
The plural of spouse is spice.
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
The light of a hundred stars doesn't equal the light of the moon.
He who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
Someone is speaking well of you.
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
No great scoundrel is ever uninteresting.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Jokes
There is always a someone worse off than yourself.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.
The plural of spouse is spice.
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
The light of a hundred stars doesn't equal the light of the moon.
He who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
Someone is speaking well of you.
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
No great scoundrel is ever uninteresting.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Bumper Stickers Collection
Jokes
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Worry, God knows all about you.
- Frank Warmerdam
Jesus is coming, look busy!
- Alan Bennett
Jesus loves you! (everyone else thinks you're an asshole!)
- Scott Mays
JESUS SAVES... But Gretzky gets the rebound, he shoots, he SCORES!!
- Scott Mays
I've found Jesus... He's in my trunk
- anonymous
Suicide is a way of telling God 'you can't fire me, I QUIT!'
-Todd Rudolph
I have nothing against god, it's his followers that I can't stand
-Brian E. Aronson
Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over
-Alex Grushow
Geez if you belive in honkus.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
- Letitia Yao
I FOUND JESUS...he's in the truck of my car...you can see him for five dollars.
Born again pagan.
- Letitia Yao
God, please protect me from your followers.
- Russ Bergs
God is living in Canada and doesn't want to get involved!
- Russ Bergs
Do I look like a Hemroid? Then get off my ass
-William Mount
Backoff I'm a postal worker.
-William Mount
Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you.
-Alfred Stoffels
Now that you are on my ass you wanna get married?
-Eddie Walters
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it call a cop!
-Christina Ramer
I'm not tailgaiting I'm drafting!
- anonymous
I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinada
- Stephanie Martin
If you can read this, your to close. (Written in brail)
- Josh Walters
If you can read this, you're in phaser range
- Dan Hecker
Too Close for Missiles, Switching to Guns
- Mike Kleiner
Do Not Tailgate. Or I Will Flick a Booger on Your windshield!
- anonymous
I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL!
- Sarah Rhodes
Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.
- Scot Colburn
This car protected by a pissed off mother with a .45 auto.
-Colobus Martin
Hold on before you pass, I'm reloading.
-Colobus Martin
I have PMS and a gun.....excuse me, did you have something to say?
-Lisa Kennedy
Happiness is an automatic weapon with a belt feed
- Kevin Kilbey
Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition
- Many People
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!
- Jennifer Lipori
This car protected by Smith & Wesson
- Andrea Curry
Fight crime, shoot back
- Remy Barnes
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children
- Nancy Lutz
Gun control means using both hands!
- Barry Bean
Gun control is being able to hit your target
- Alex Grushow
Guns don't kill people, they just make it easier
- Skylar Sutton
My karma ran over your dogma.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
- Many different people
Caution! Driver's applying make-up
- anonymous
CAUTION : Driver Singing
- Andrea Curry
The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere
- anonymous
Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
- Stephanie Martin
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL
- Letitia Yao
If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt
- Kevin Streit
Hang up and drive
- Jenne Erin
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. . . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
- Many people
Evacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!!
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
It was only a lane change!
-Susan Montgomery
I drive this way just to piss you off.
-Eddie Walters
Go on speeding, we'll cut you out (of your car ) -- Your Fire Dept.
-Alfred Stoffels
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
-Alfred Stoffels
Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hang on.
-Dawn M Nyht
Caution I swerve and hit people at random.
-Eddie Walters
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Lost your cat? Look under my tires
- Eddie Grant
<----Passing Side / Suicide---->
Hang up and drive
- Jennepher Barnes
I wonder how you'd drive with that car phone shoved up your ass?
- Larry Pittman
Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
I Cayman went.
Wisconsin: Smell our dairy air!
-Carol Ann Asiala
WELCOME TO IDAHO. NOW GO BACK TO CALIFORNIA
- Kris Fye
If Texas is so great, what are you doing in New Mexico?
- Sarah Reinhardt
DAMM - Drunks Against Mad Mothers
-Adrian Mongeli
I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning
- anonymous
A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on
- Keith Fisher
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Don't drink and drive--if you hit a bump you spill your beer
- David Elmer
If I'm driving funny its probably becuase I'm drunk.
- Alastair
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Letitia Yao
I have a problem with drinking... two hands and only one mouth
- Ignacio Aspiazul
Honk if you hate noise pollution
-Gurmukh Mongia
Clap one hand if you love Budda
-Greg Bishopp
Honk if you don't give a damn
- anonymous
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
- anonymous
Honk if you love cheeses.
Honk if you're illiterate
Honk if the twins fall out
- Jennepher Barnes
Honk if parts fall off!
- Tom Andrecht
Mafia staff car.
-Alfred Stoffels
MY OTHER TARDIS IS A POLICE BOX
- Wesle Dymoke
My other car is a Zamboni
- Andrea Curry
My other car is Christine, and she's right behind you!
- David Brown
My wife's other car is a broom.
- Sandra Hill
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Do Not Wash - this vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.
-Dawn M Nyht
Yah it stinks and is giving you a headache it's a desil
-anonymous
This car is like my husband, if it ain't yours don't touch it!
- Susan Lee Rivas
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
I got this motorhome for my wife....BEST deal I ever made!
- anonymous
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS
- Letitia Yao
Dad's the boss. Right Mommy?
- Brian Gugala
THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE
- Letitia Yao
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM
- Letitia Yao
Thank you for not breeding
- anonymous
YOU!!! Out of the gene pool
- anonymous
Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control
-Judd & Sara Stewart
So many stupid people, So few comets
- Letitia Yao
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Stop Inbreding! Ban country music.
-Daryl Ganskopp
When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws children will evolve.
- John W. Pope
A fool and his money are my best friends
-Gurmukh Mongia
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
-Jowe Cromwell
Change is inevitable... except for vending machines
-anonymous
Money isn't everything...but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
- Tara Williams
Hit me, I need money
- anonymous
Thank God for the IRS. Without them I'd be stinking rich!
- Alex Grushow
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
A fool and his money are soon partying
-Alex Grushow
IF YOU'RE RICH, I'M SINGLE
- Laura Gill
Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for you.
-Victor Burhans
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter
-Brian E. Aronson
There are only 2 choices on the menu: take it or leave it.
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables
- Many people
I like cats, they taste just like chicken.
- Many different people
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Cory Gallagher
Cat... the other white meat.
- Letitia Yao
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
- Many different people
Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
- Susan Lee Rivas
Zero to Bitch in 4.0 Seconds
- Susan Lee Rivas
FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT
- Letitia Yao
I'm the person your mother warned you about!
-Lisa Leatherneck
Men aren't pigs....pigs are gentle, cute creatures!
-Lisa Kennedy
Missing, Husband And Dog; Attention $100.00 Reward For Dog
- anonymous
If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons
-Brian E. Aronson
When God made man she was only kidding!
- Amy Morris
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Normal people worry me
- Stephanie Martin
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, your it
- anonymous
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT
- Letitia Yao
Moody bitch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship
- Linda Olson
Support mental health or I'll kill you
- Garett Blackwell
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles
- anonymous
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink
-anonymous
P.M.S ?!! Hell, this is one of my better days!!
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready
- Robert Hallworth
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
-Brian E. Aronson
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My other wife is beautiful.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Never fight ugly people they have nothing to loose
-anonymous
Us blondes aren't bumb
- anonymous
If you think I'm a drunk driver you're wrong, I'm a blonde
- Dana Lyon
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
- Minda McDorman
When blondes have more fun, do the know it?
- Alex Grushow
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST
- Letitia Yao
i souport publik edekashun
- Jill Wood-Naatz
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
-Brian Gerards
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
-Brian Gerards
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
-Brian Gerards
I is a college student.
HUKED ON FONIKS WERKD FER ME!
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
The question of fishing is not a matter of life or death... it's more important than that.
- Alex Grushow
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
- Mark Roach
My kid can beat up your honor student
- Mike Ralston
My honor student fired your stupid kid
- David Rasoff
My child was inmate of the month at the county jail
- Michael Foster
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Take a Bite out of Crime. It tastes like Chicken.
-Daniel Gershman
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Hug a Logger you will never go back to trees
-Phil Ferguson
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!
-anonymous
Archeologists will date any old thing
- Becky Staley
Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them
- Andrea Curry
Please don't tell my Mama that I work on an oil rig... She thinks I'm a piano player in a whorehouse.
- Jack Fleming
Give Blood Play Hockey
- Douglass Laing
Guns don't kill people postal workers do.
- Alastair
U.S. MARINE CORPS.--Everything destroyed in 30 min. or the next one's free!
Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor
- Don Smith
FIREFIGHTERS FIND THEM HOT AND LEAVE EM WET
Dole for Pineapple, Not for President
- Remy Barnes
Honk if you've been groped by Clinton
- Don Smith
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Eschew obfuscation.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
Wink. I'll do the rest.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Who cares who's on board?
Die Yuppie Scum.
No radio. Already stolen.
Exxon Suxx.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be. - Dorian Hausman
Pray for Whirled Peas!
- Many different people
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put the boogers.
- Jennifer Nichols
It's not how you pick it, but where you flick it
- Allan Wise
They say you can't take it with you... But they also can't come and get it!
- Russell Chambers
Humpty Dumpty was Pushed.
- Susan Lee Rivas
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
- David Brown
I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead
- Jennie Cline
Defecation eventuates.
- Shelley Huston
Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe.
- Alex Grushow
If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them
- Stepahn Hoffman
Nonconformists are all alike.
- Duncan Frenz
Hug your kids at home-belt them in the car!
- anonymous
Car will explode upon impact
- Brian Baxter
Don't piss me off. i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
- Stephanie Martin
Don't laugh at these fogged up windows it's your daughter in here
- David Elmer
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit
- anonymous
Do what you did when you were a kid: fly a kite, go fishing hunt a dinosaur
- Stanford Le
CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS
- Letitia Yao
DIPLOMACY IS THAT ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...TILL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK
- Letitia Yao
I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES
- Letitia Yao
LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF
- Letitia Yao
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST
- Letitia Yao
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE - VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE
- Letitia Yao
WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF SMART
- Letitia Yao
PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE MAY BE HAPPY
- Letitia Yao
End racism...kill everyone
- Laura Giannotti
Indians discovered Columbus
- Matthew Atkinson
Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups
- D.Z. Jursevics
If you love your life as much as I love my car then you won't steal it
- anonymous
Hire Teenagers while they still know everything!
- Phillip Hubbell
Conserve Water; Shower with a friend
- anonymous
Let me tell you about my bowel movements.
-Julie Woodson
If you are not the lead truck, the scenary never changes.
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
All generalizations are false.
- Jill Wood-Naatz
If I roll up my windows and lock the doors, its because you smell horrible
-Brian E. Aronson
Custer got Siouxed
-anonymous
Compost happens
-Brian Gerards
Bad cop...no donut.
-many people
I'm pro choice, I choose to hunt, trap, eat meat and wear fur.
-anonymous
Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
-Dawn M Nyht
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
-Dawn M Nyht
Just visiting this planet
-Dawn M Nyht
Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water.
-Dawn M Nyht
DAM : Mothers Against Dislexia
-Gurmukh Mongia
Dislexics of the world... UNTIE!!
-Gurmukh Mongia
I will never put off 'till tomorrow what I can forget about forever
-Gurmukh Mongia
Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Dragons For You Are Crunchy And Good With Ketchup.
-Kim Siegel
Where There's A Whip, There's A Way.
-Kim Siegel
Sorry, I just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.
-Nicole Long
HELP! I've tripped and I can't get down!
-anonymous
I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
- Letitia Yao
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- Letitia Yao
One who farts in church sits in his own pew.
- Chris Potter
I do everything my rice krispies tell me to do
Earth first! We'll strip mine the other planets later!
- Martin Meadows
Very funny Scotty, Now beam down my Clothes!!!
- Martin Meadows
STOP CONTINENTAL DRIFT!
- Mert Proctor
I Hate Coffee--It Keeps Me Awake at Work.
- Mert Proctor
I want to make love in the worst way--standing up in a canoe
- Mert Proctor
There was nothing Great about the Depression.
- Derek Jackson
HELP END POVERTY--EAT THE POOR
- Sarah Konikoff
The more people I know, the more I love my dog.
- Debbie Wright
The best way to change someone's mind is with a rock
Don't show your public hair, while in pubic.
Bad spellers of the world enight!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
- Letitia Yao
Hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now.
- Letitia Yao
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Letitia Yao
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Letitia Yao
A friend in need... can be a real pain in the ass.
- Letitia Yao
If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.
- JC Chapman
BE KIND TO YOUR CHILDREN; THEY CHOOSE YOUR NURSING HOME.
- Don Nieding
Not tonite dear, I have a modem!
- Laura Coletti
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
- Sandy McManmon
Jokes
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Worry, God knows all about you.
- Frank Warmerdam
Jesus is coming, look busy!
- Alan Bennett
Jesus loves you! (everyone else thinks you're an asshole!)
- Scott Mays
JESUS SAVES... But Gretzky gets the rebound, he shoots, he SCORES!!
- Scott Mays
I've found Jesus... He's in my trunk
- anonymous
Suicide is a way of telling God 'you can't fire me, I QUIT!'
-Todd Rudolph
I have nothing against god, it's his followers that I can't stand
-Brian E. Aronson
Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over
-Alex Grushow
Geez if you belive in honkus.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
- Letitia Yao
I FOUND JESUS...he's in the truck of my car...you can see him for five dollars.
Born again pagan.
- Letitia Yao
God, please protect me from your followers.
- Russ Bergs
God is living in Canada and doesn't want to get involved!
- Russ Bergs
Do I look like a Hemroid? Then get off my ass
-William Mount
Backoff I'm a postal worker.
-William Mount
Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you.
-Alfred Stoffels
Now that you are on my ass you wanna get married?
-Eddie Walters
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it call a cop!
-Christina Ramer
I'm not tailgaiting I'm drafting!
- anonymous
I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinada
- Stephanie Martin
If you can read this, your to close. (Written in brail)
- Josh Walters
If you can read this, you're in phaser range
- Dan Hecker
Too Close for Missiles, Switching to Guns
- Mike Kleiner
Do Not Tailgate. Or I Will Flick a Booger on Your windshield!
- anonymous
I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL!
- Sarah Rhodes
Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.
- Scot Colburn
This car protected by a pissed off mother with a .45 auto.
-Colobus Martin
Hold on before you pass, I'm reloading.
-Colobus Martin
I have PMS and a gun.....excuse me, did you have something to say?
-Lisa Kennedy
Happiness is an automatic weapon with a belt feed
- Kevin Kilbey
Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition
- Many People
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!
- Jennifer Lipori
This car protected by Smith & Wesson
- Andrea Curry
Fight crime, shoot back
- Remy Barnes
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children
- Nancy Lutz
Gun control means using both hands!
- Barry Bean
Gun control is being able to hit your target
- Alex Grushow
Guns don't kill people, they just make it easier
- Skylar Sutton
My karma ran over your dogma.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
- Many different people
Caution! Driver's applying make-up
- anonymous
CAUTION : Driver Singing
- Andrea Curry
The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere
- anonymous
Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
- Stephanie Martin
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL
- Letitia Yao
If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt
- Kevin Streit
Hang up and drive
- Jenne Erin
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. . . Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
- Many people
Evacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!!
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
It was only a lane change!
-Susan Montgomery
I drive this way just to piss you off.
-Eddie Walters
Go on speeding, we'll cut you out (of your car ) -- Your Fire Dept.
-Alfred Stoffels
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
-Alfred Stoffels
Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hang on.
-Dawn M Nyht
Caution I swerve and hit people at random.
-Eddie Walters
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Lost your cat? Look under my tires
- Eddie Grant
<----Passing Side / Suicide---->
Hang up and drive
- Jennepher Barnes
I wonder how you'd drive with that car phone shoved up your ass?
- Larry Pittman
Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
I Cayman went.
Wisconsin: Smell our dairy air!
-Carol Ann Asiala
WELCOME TO IDAHO. NOW GO BACK TO CALIFORNIA
- Kris Fye
If Texas is so great, what are you doing in New Mexico?
- Sarah Reinhardt
DAMM - Drunks Against Mad Mothers
-Adrian Mongeli
I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning
- anonymous
A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on
- Keith Fisher
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Don't drink and drive--if you hit a bump you spill your beer
- David Elmer
If I'm driving funny its probably becuase I'm drunk.
- Alastair
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Letitia Yao
I have a problem with drinking... two hands and only one mouth
- Ignacio Aspiazul
Honk if you hate noise pollution
-Gurmukh Mongia
Clap one hand if you love Budda
-Greg Bishopp
Honk if you don't give a damn
- anonymous
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
- anonymous
Honk if you love cheeses.
Honk if you're illiterate
Honk if the twins fall out
- Jennepher Barnes
Honk if parts fall off!
- Tom Andrecht
Mafia staff car.
-Alfred Stoffels
MY OTHER TARDIS IS A POLICE BOX
- Wesle Dymoke
My other car is a Zamboni
- Andrea Curry
My other car is Christine, and she's right behind you!
- David Brown
My wife's other car is a broom.
- Sandra Hill
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Do Not Wash - this vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.
-Dawn M Nyht
Yah it stinks and is giving you a headache it's a desil
-anonymous
This car is like my husband, if it ain't yours don't touch it!
- Susan Lee Rivas
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
I got this motorhome for my wife....BEST deal I ever made!
- anonymous
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS
- Letitia Yao
Dad's the boss. Right Mommy?
- Brian Gugala
THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE
- Letitia Yao
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM
- Letitia Yao
Thank you for not breeding
- anonymous
YOU!!! Out of the gene pool
- anonymous
Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control
-Judd & Sara Stewart
So many stupid people, So few comets
- Letitia Yao
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Stop Inbreding! Ban country music.
-Daryl Ganskopp
When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws children will evolve.
- John W. Pope
A fool and his money are my best friends
-Gurmukh Mongia
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
-Jowe Cromwell
Change is inevitable... except for vending machines
-anonymous
Money isn't everything...but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
- Tara Williams
Hit me, I need money
- anonymous
Thank God for the IRS. Without them I'd be stinking rich!
- Alex Grushow
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
A fool and his money are soon partying
-Alex Grushow
IF YOU'RE RICH, I'M SINGLE
- Laura Gill
Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for you.
-Victor Burhans
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter
-Brian E. Aronson
There are only 2 choices on the menu: take it or leave it.
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables
- Many people
I like cats, they taste just like chicken.
- Many different people
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Cory Gallagher
Cat... the other white meat.
- Letitia Yao
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
- Many different people
Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
- Susan Lee Rivas
Zero to Bitch in 4.0 Seconds
- Susan Lee Rivas
FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT
- Letitia Yao
I'm the person your mother warned you about!
-Lisa Leatherneck
Men aren't pigs....pigs are gentle, cute creatures!
-Lisa Kennedy
Missing, Husband And Dog; Attention $100.00 Reward For Dog
- anonymous
If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons
-Brian E. Aronson
When God made man she was only kidding!
- Amy Morris
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Normal people worry me
- Stephanie Martin
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, your it
- anonymous
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT
- Letitia Yao
Moody bitch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship
- Linda Olson
Support mental health or I'll kill you
- Garett Blackwell
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles
- anonymous
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink
-anonymous
P.M.S ?!! Hell, this is one of my better days!!
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready
- Robert Hallworth
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
-Brian E. Aronson
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My other wife is beautiful.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Never fight ugly people they have nothing to loose
-anonymous
Us blondes aren't bumb
- anonymous
If you think I'm a drunk driver you're wrong, I'm a blonde
- Dana Lyon
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
- Minda McDorman
When blondes have more fun, do the know it?
- Alex Grushow
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST
- Letitia Yao
i souport publik edekashun
- Jill Wood-Naatz
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
-Brian Gerards
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
-Brian Gerards
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
-Brian Gerards
I is a college student.
HUKED ON FONIKS WERKD FER ME!
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
The question of fishing is not a matter of life or death... it's more important than that.
- Alex Grushow
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
- Mark Roach
My kid can beat up your honor student
- Mike Ralston
My honor student fired your stupid kid
- David Rasoff
My child was inmate of the month at the county jail
- Michael Foster
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Take a Bite out of Crime. It tastes like Chicken.
-Daniel Gershman
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Hug a Logger you will never go back to trees
-Phil Ferguson
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!
-anonymous
Archeologists will date any old thing
- Becky Staley
Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them
- Andrea Curry
Please don't tell my Mama that I work on an oil rig... She thinks I'm a piano player in a whorehouse.
- Jack Fleming
Give Blood Play Hockey
- Douglass Laing
Guns don't kill people postal workers do.
- Alastair
U.S. MARINE CORPS.--Everything destroyed in 30 min. or the next one's free!
Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor
- Don Smith
FIREFIGHTERS FIND THEM HOT AND LEAVE EM WET
Dole for Pineapple, Not for President
- Remy Barnes
Honk if you've been groped by Clinton
- Don Smith
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Eschew obfuscation.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
Wink. I'll do the rest.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Who cares who's on board?
Die Yuppie Scum.
No radio. Already stolen.
Exxon Suxx.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be. - Dorian Hausman
Pray for Whirled Peas!
- Many different people
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put the boogers.
- Jennifer Nichols
It's not how you pick it, but where you flick it
- Allan Wise
They say you can't take it with you... But they also can't come and get it!
- Russell Chambers
Humpty Dumpty was Pushed.
- Susan Lee Rivas
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
- David Brown
I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead
- Jennie Cline
Defecation eventuates.
- Shelley Huston
Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe.
- Alex Grushow
If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them
- Stepahn Hoffman
Nonconformists are all alike.
- Duncan Frenz
Hug your kids at home-belt them in the car!
- anonymous
Car will explode upon impact
- Brian Baxter
Don't piss me off. i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
- Stephanie Martin
Don't laugh at these fogged up windows it's your daughter in here
- David Elmer
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit
- anonymous
Do what you did when you were a kid: fly a kite, go fishing hunt a dinosaur
- Stanford Le
CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS
- Letitia Yao
DIPLOMACY IS THAT ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...TILL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK
- Letitia Yao
I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES
- Letitia Yao
LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF
- Letitia Yao
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST
- Letitia Yao
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE - VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE
- Letitia Yao
WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF SMART
- Letitia Yao
PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE MAY BE HAPPY
- Letitia Yao
End racism...kill everyone
- Laura Giannotti
Indians discovered Columbus
- Matthew Atkinson
Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups
- D.Z. Jursevics
If you love your life as much as I love my car then you won't steal it
- anonymous
Hire Teenagers while they still know everything!
- Phillip Hubbell
Conserve Water; Shower with a friend
- anonymous
Let me tell you about my bowel movements.
-Julie Woodson
If you are not the lead truck, the scenary never changes.
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
All generalizations are false.
- Jill Wood-Naatz
If I roll up my windows and lock the doors, its because you smell horrible
-Brian E. Aronson
Custer got Siouxed
-anonymous
Compost happens
-Brian Gerards
Bad cop...no donut.
-many people
I'm pro choice, I choose to hunt, trap, eat meat and wear fur.
-anonymous
Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
-Dawn M Nyht
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
-Dawn M Nyht
Just visiting this planet
-Dawn M Nyht
Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water.
-Dawn M Nyht
DAM : Mothers Against Dislexia
-Gurmukh Mongia
Dislexics of the world... UNTIE!!
-Gurmukh Mongia
I will never put off 'till tomorrow what I can forget about forever
-Gurmukh Mongia
Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Dragons For You Are Crunchy And Good With Ketchup.
-Kim Siegel
Where There's A Whip, There's A Way.
-Kim Siegel
Sorry, I just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.
-Nicole Long
HELP! I've tripped and I can't get down!
-anonymous
I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
- Letitia Yao
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- Letitia Yao
One who farts in church sits in his own pew.
- Chris Potter
I do everything my rice krispies tell me to do
Earth first! We'll strip mine the other planets later!
- Martin Meadows
Very funny Scotty, Now beam down my Clothes!!!
- Martin Meadows
STOP CONTINENTAL DRIFT!
- Mert Proctor
I Hate Coffee--It Keeps Me Awake at Work.
- Mert Proctor
I want to make love in the worst way--standing up in a canoe
- Mert Proctor
There was nothing Great about the Depression.
- Derek Jackson
HELP END POVERTY--EAT THE POOR
- Sarah Konikoff
The more people I know, the more I love my dog.
- Debbie Wright
The best way to change someone's mind is with a rock
Don't show your public hair, while in pubic.
Bad spellers of the world enight!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
- Letitia Yao
Hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now.
- Letitia Yao
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Letitia Yao
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Letitia Yao
A friend in need... can be a real pain in the ass.
- Letitia Yao
If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.
- JC Chapman
BE KIND TO YOUR CHILDREN; THEY CHOOSE YOUR NURSING HOME.
- Don Nieding
Not tonite dear, I have a modem!
- Laura Coletti
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
- Sandy McManmon
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Stupidity Sightings
Jokes
Sighting #1:
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "Sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is unsuccessfully trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.
Sighting #2:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #3:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #4:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #5:
I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Induhvidual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Jokes
Sighting #1:
I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "Sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is unsuccessfully trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.
Sighting #2:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #3:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #4:
At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #5:
I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"):
A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.
Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):
Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Induhvidual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
Monday, April 18, 2011
You know life sucks when..
Jokes
1)You wake up - face down on the pavement
2)You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
3)You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office
4)Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
5)Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
6)You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
7)Your twin sister forgets your birthday
8)You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don't have a waterbed
9)Your car-horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of hells angels on the freeway
10)Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and YOU have a headache
11)Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat
12)The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
13)You wake up and your braces are locked together
14)You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business
15)Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife
Jokes
1)You wake up - face down on the pavement
2)You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
3)You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office
4)Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
5)Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
6)You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
7)Your twin sister forgets your birthday
8)You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don't have a waterbed
9)Your car-horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of hells angels on the freeway
10)Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and YOU have a headache
11)Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat
12)The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
13)You wake up and your braces are locked together
14)You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business
15)Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Male Stages of Life
Jokes
AGE - DRINK
17 Beer
25 Bourbon
35 Vodka
48 Double vodka
66 Maalox
AGE - SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
AGE - FAVORITE SPORT
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Napping after Sex
66 Napping
AGE- DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 Tongue
25 Breakfast
35 She didn't set back my therapy.
48 I didn't have to meet her kids.
66 Got home alive.
AGE - FAVORITE FANTASY
17 Getting to third
25 Airplane sex
35 Menage a trois
48 Taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE- WHAT 'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
AGE - IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 Split the check before we go back to my place
35 Just come over.
48 Just come over and cook.
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
Jokes
AGE - DRINK
17 Beer
25 Bourbon
35 Vodka
48 Double vodka
66 Maalox
AGE - SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
AGE - FAVORITE SPORT
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Napping after Sex
66 Napping
AGE- DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 Tongue
25 Breakfast
35 She didn't set back my therapy.
48 I didn't have to meet her kids.
66 Got home alive.
AGE - FAVORITE FANTASY
17 Getting to third
25 Airplane sex
35 Menage a trois
48 Taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE- WHAT 'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
AGE - IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 Split the check before we go back to my place
35 Just come over.
48 Just come over and cook.
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
I can't Believe they said that
Jokes
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
- - Bill Peterson, former Florida State football coach
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
- - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- - Bill Peterson, former Florida State football coach
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
- - Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class."
- - George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
- - Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
- - Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- - Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
Jokes
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
- - Bill Peterson, former Florida State football coach
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
- - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- - Bill Peterson, former Florida State football coach
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
- - Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class."
- - George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
- - Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
- - Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- - Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Why Ice Cream Is Better Than Men
Jokes
Ice cream never asks "Was it good for you too?"
Ice cream is still good when it's soft.
Ice cream is good with or without nuts.
Ice cream is ready any time of the day or night. Any size ice cream can be satisfying.
Ice cream never finishes without you.
Ice cream comes in delicious flavors.
Ice cream lasts as long as you want it to.
It is alright for ice cream to be fruity.
Ice cream never asks "Where are my socks?"
Ice cream never has stubble.
For ice cream, frigid is not only O.K., it is preferred.
Ice cream doesn't get jealous if you try lots of different ice creams.
Ice cream tastes good.
Ice cream doesn't shrink when it gets cold.
You can get a double or triple with ice cream.
Ice cream doesn't have to be warmed up.
It is proper to lick ice cream at any time.
Ice cream gives pleasure even when served in an old, worn container.
Ice cream gives pleasure going down.
Ice cream is great after a workout.
If you're hungry, you can get a bigger portion.
Ice cream has no ego.
Ice cream may make you fat, but it never makes you pregnant.
Jokes
Ice cream never asks "Was it good for you too?"
Ice cream is still good when it's soft.
Ice cream is good with or without nuts.
Ice cream is ready any time of the day or night. Any size ice cream can be satisfying.
Ice cream never finishes without you.
Ice cream comes in delicious flavors.
Ice cream lasts as long as you want it to.
It is alright for ice cream to be fruity.
Ice cream never asks "Where are my socks?"
Ice cream never has stubble.
For ice cream, frigid is not only O.K., it is preferred.
Ice cream doesn't get jealous if you try lots of different ice creams.
Ice cream tastes good.
Ice cream doesn't shrink when it gets cold.
You can get a double or triple with ice cream.
Ice cream doesn't have to be warmed up.
It is proper to lick ice cream at any time.
Ice cream gives pleasure even when served in an old, worn container.
Ice cream gives pleasure going down.
Ice cream is great after a workout.
If you're hungry, you can get a bigger portion.
Ice cream has no ego.
Ice cream may make you fat, but it never makes you pregnant.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Bathroom Grafitti
Jokes
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Go ahead and take risks... just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
Good judgement comes from experience...... and a lot of that comes from bad judgement ! Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Gene Police: YOU.. Out of the pool! A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Clones are people, two. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
Help stamp out and eradicate superflous redundancy. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not
Dyslexics have more nuf. Ground Beef: A cow with no legs.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. There are two theories about arguing with a woman. . . neither one works!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it up and put it back in your pocket.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others. Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
Two wrongs are only the beginning. No one ever says,"It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I believe that five out of four people have trouble with fractions. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they grow older, then it dawned on me..... they were cramming for their finals.
Jokes
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Go ahead and take risks... just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
Good judgement comes from experience...... and a lot of that comes from bad judgement ! Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Gene Police: YOU.. Out of the pool! A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Clones are people, two. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
Help stamp out and eradicate superflous redundancy. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not
Dyslexics have more nuf. Ground Beef: A cow with no legs.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. There are two theories about arguing with a woman. . . neither one works!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it up and put it back in your pocket.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others. Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
Two wrongs are only the beginning. No one ever says,"It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I believe that five out of four people have trouble with fractions. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they grow older, then it dawned on me..... they were cramming for their finals.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us
Funny
15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.
11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.
7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe.
5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."
3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.
1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I'm on break."
Funny
15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.
14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.
11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.
7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.
6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe.
5. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."
3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.
1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I'm on break."
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
You get Two today cause I was being a dork yesterday and locked myself out of the posting! I swear some days it does not pay to get up in the morning!
Twenty Management Styles
Jokes
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS®
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication )
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.
Twenty Management Styles
Jokes
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS®
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication )
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.
For some reason this is taking forever to post. I am sorry for the late blog. Today has just been one of those mornings already. I blame my mom! hahaha I love you mom!
11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resumé.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair.
11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resumé.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair.
Monday, April 4, 2011
You Know You're a Queen if..
1. If you regularly use the phrase "window treatment," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
2. If your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp deveiner, a mushroom brush, or a lemon reamer, (oh that word!) then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
3. If you know what a sconce is, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
4. If you have a pet named "Liza," "Gypsy," or "Talullah," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
5. If you know how to spell Barbra's first name, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
6. If you've never felt the need to use Barbra's last name, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
7. If you know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
8. If you've ever canceled a date because it conflicted with the Tony or Academy Awards, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
9. If you know the difference between "seafoam" and "celadon," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
10. If you've ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole time watching the cheerleaders, and critiqued their performance, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
11. If your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a moisturizer, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
12. If your mother calls you for decorating tips, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
13. If the names Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything to you at all, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
14. If you know exactly where you were the night that Judy, Ethel or Lucy died, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
15. If Special K means something to you besides breakfast, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
16. If you talk in italics, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
17. If you've ever needed a massage because you'd overworked your eyebrows, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
18. If you know a guy who swears that his brother-in-law was the admitting doctor in the emergency room when Richard Gere came in with a gerbil up his butt, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
19. If someone says "How 'bout them Bulls?" and what you think of are petite picadors in tight pants, then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.
20. If you require two syllables to say "please," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
21. If at eighth grade dances you were the only boy who could stay on the beat, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
22. If you still can't get over the fact that Sunday in the Park with George lost out to La Cage Aux Folles in nearly every category in the 1984 Tony's,
then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
23. If you know what Lyle Waggoner, Sam J. Jones, Christopher Atkins, Fabian, and Tommy Chong have in common, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
24. If you display in any public forum a reproduction of Michaelangelo's David, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
25. If you've ever trimmed your pubic hair to make "it" look bigger, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
26. If by the time the bus has arrived at your stop, you've given every other passenger a "fashion score," then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.
27. If you'd sooner skip a day at the gym than show up in a workout ensemble that just didn't match, then, honey, you ARE a Queen.
28. If you're the only male sibling in a family of ten and grandmother left you the Limoges, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
29. If you can think of more than five uses for a doily, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
30. If you know who Dorothy Gale is, then, honey, you might be gay.
31. If you've ever bought a pair of jeans because they gave you a nice "basket," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
32. If you've ever turned when someone yelled "Hey, Mary!", then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
33. If you've sworn never ever again to get drunk and do your Bette Davis impersonation, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
34. If you used adverbs before the age of two, then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.
35. If the idea of a car-parts store with the name "Ellis the Rim Man" makes you giggle, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
36. If you've ever coiffed so aggressively that you drew blood, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
37. If you've ever sent anything in black latex as a gift, then, Miss Thing,
you're a Queen.
38. If you've ever asked for a sweat towel at the gym, but accidentally said "cum rag" instead, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
39. If your home decor encompasses more than one kind of Chippendale, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
40. If your dog is smaller than a bread box, then, Miss Thing you're a sick Queen.
41. If to you the antonym for "no" is "fabulous," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
42. If you've ever entered a house and audibly admired the wainscoting, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
43. Have you ever said, "Whatever", but only used your hands to form a "w" to say it? I added this one!! hehe
YES ANSWERS:
Over 40 - Queen of the Ball (and you live in NYC!)
Over 35 - Gayer than Quentin Crisp
Over 30 - Sassier than Rip Taylor
Over 25 - Nathan Lane!
Under 24 - Honey, you're not hanging out with the right people!
1. If you regularly use the phrase "window treatment," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
2. If your kitchen drawer contains a shrimp deveiner, a mushroom brush, or a lemon reamer, (oh that word!) then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
3. If you know what a sconce is, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
4. If you have a pet named "Liza," "Gypsy," or "Talullah," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
5. If you know how to spell Barbra's first name, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
6. If you've never felt the need to use Barbra's last name, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
7. If you know whether Rogers or Hammerstein wrote the music, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
8. If you've ever canceled a date because it conflicted with the Tony or Academy Awards, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
9. If you know the difference between "seafoam" and "celadon," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
10. If you've ever been to a professional football game, spent the whole time watching the cheerleaders, and critiqued their performance, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
11. If your Christmas stocking as a child contained bronzer or a moisturizer, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
12. If your mother calls you for decorating tips, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
13. If the names Jeff Stryker, Ryan Idol or Casey Donovan mean anything to you at all, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
14. If you know exactly where you were the night that Judy, Ethel or Lucy died, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
15. If Special K means something to you besides breakfast, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
16. If you talk in italics, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
17. If you've ever needed a massage because you'd overworked your eyebrows, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
18. If you know a guy who swears that his brother-in-law was the admitting doctor in the emergency room when Richard Gere came in with a gerbil up his butt, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
19. If someone says "How 'bout them Bulls?" and what you think of are petite picadors in tight pants, then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.
20. If you require two syllables to say "please," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
21. If at eighth grade dances you were the only boy who could stay on the beat, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
22. If you still can't get over the fact that Sunday in the Park with George lost out to La Cage Aux Folles in nearly every category in the 1984 Tony's,
then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
23. If you know what Lyle Waggoner, Sam J. Jones, Christopher Atkins, Fabian, and Tommy Chong have in common, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
24. If you display in any public forum a reproduction of Michaelangelo's David, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
25. If you've ever trimmed your pubic hair to make "it" look bigger, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
26. If by the time the bus has arrived at your stop, you've given every other passenger a "fashion score," then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.
27. If you'd sooner skip a day at the gym than show up in a workout ensemble that just didn't match, then, honey, you ARE a Queen.
28. If you're the only male sibling in a family of ten and grandmother left you the Limoges, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
29. If you can think of more than five uses for a doily, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
30. If you know who Dorothy Gale is, then, honey, you might be gay.
31. If you've ever bought a pair of jeans because they gave you a nice "basket," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
32. If you've ever turned when someone yelled "Hey, Mary!", then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
33. If you've sworn never ever again to get drunk and do your Bette Davis impersonation, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
34. If you used adverbs before the age of two, then, Miss Thing you're a Queen.
35. If the idea of a car-parts store with the name "Ellis the Rim Man" makes you giggle, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
36. If you've ever coiffed so aggressively that you drew blood, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
37. If you've ever sent anything in black latex as a gift, then, Miss Thing,
you're a Queen.
38. If you've ever asked for a sweat towel at the gym, but accidentally said "cum rag" instead, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
39. If your home decor encompasses more than one kind of Chippendale, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
40. If your dog is smaller than a bread box, then, Miss Thing you're a sick Queen.
41. If to you the antonym for "no" is "fabulous," then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
42. If you've ever entered a house and audibly admired the wainscoting, then, Miss Thing, you're a Queen.
43. Have you ever said, "Whatever", but only used your hands to form a "w" to say it? I added this one!! hehe
YES ANSWERS:
Over 40 - Queen of the Ball (and you live in NYC!)
Over 35 - Gayer than Quentin Crisp
Over 30 - Sassier than Rip Taylor
Over 25 - Nathan Lane!
Under 24 - Honey, you're not hanging out with the right people!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Good Humour - Bad Ads
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 524-0960. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant.
Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress,
but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child.
Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties.
Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 524-0960. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant.
Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress,
but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child.
Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties.
Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
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