Thursday, December 15, 2011
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
20. After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
18. Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
16. Only moans during commercial breaks.
15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
11. Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
10. During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."
9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
6. Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
5. Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating....
4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.
2. She yells out her own name
1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.
12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional...
1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Things Men Shouldn't say out loud in Victoria's Secret
10. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it?
5. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me?
3. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
... And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's secret:
1. Does this come in children's sizes?
Friday, December 2, 2011
Things Adults learn from Kids
1 There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
2 If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
3 A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape
5 It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
6 Baseballs make marks on ceilings
7 You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
8 When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
9 A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10 The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
11 When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late
12 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
13 A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
14 A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
15 If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
16 A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
17 Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
18 Duplos will not
19 Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
20 Super glue is forever
21 McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
22 Ditto Tarzan
23 No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
24 Pool filters do not like Jello
25 VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
26 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
27 Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
28 You probably do not want to know what that odor is
29 Always look in the oven before you turn it on
30 Plastic toys do not like ovens
31 The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
32 The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
33 It will however make cats dizzy
34 Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
36 A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (mostly in retrospect)
Monday, November 28, 2011
Yep Vacation is over and I am back! Had an awesome time in Europe!!
Diet Rules For Cheaters
Funny
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE:
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
If Men woke up with a Vagina
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina....
1. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!!!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Some Really Cool Thoughts
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
What do they do with all the American flags when a state is added? They can't burn em.
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
Who wakes up the wakeup-call guy?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
How funny would phones look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears?
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Ways to prepare for Ski Season
This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:
16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!
Monday, October 17, 2011
15 Inspirational Posters We'd Like to See
Funny
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. Plagiarism saves time.
7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.
10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Why ask Why
Funny
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why do noses run and feet smell?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Friday, October 7, 2011
The Computer belongs to a Redneck if...
Funny
1. The mouse is referred to as a critter.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-Rom drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted to the CPU.
5. The password is "Bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have parts for a '76 Dodge Aspen installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wav's.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the computer desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of Ned Beatty with the dueling banjos playing in the background
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
18. The only games installed on the computer are "Deer Hunting" and "Bass Fishing with Babe Winkleman"
19. Bumper stickers on the side of the tower stating "I brake for nobody"
20. Copy of his lawsuit against the makers of "Redneck Rampage" claiming that he and his brother never did such a thing.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
How to be Annoying
Funny
* Tell your friends, four days prior to their party, that you can't attend because you're not in the mood.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars, to see if they slow down.
* Practice making faxmodem noises.
* If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
* Drum on every available surface.
* Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
* Set alarms for random times.
* Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
* Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
* Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
* Wear your pants backwards.
* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
* Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
* Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
* Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape mode.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* don't use any punctuation either
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.
* Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
* Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog "Dog".
* Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
* Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to "interface" with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
* Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
* Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
* Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't ricket."
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
* Call in sick, then show up.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say
Funny
1. "The union president called - he said the pilots' strike starts IMMEDIATELY."
2. "We'll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get there."
3. "My name is Forrest Gump - people call me Forrest Gump."
4. "Hey, Jim, do you remember where we're going?"
5. "Buckle your seat belt - I'm going to try something I saw in a cartoon."
6. "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie..."
7. "Wow, we're sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second engine!"
8. "Only 500 more flight hours, and I'll get my license!"
9. "They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?"
10. "TODAY WE DIE FOR ALLAH!"
Monday, September 26, 2011
Winners of the Brainless Olympics
Funny
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman MikeCarey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Rejection Lines Given By Women
Funny
Rejection Lines Given By Women (and What They Mean)
I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)
I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest jerk I've ever laid eyes upon.)
My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
I've got a boyfriend
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's ice cream).
I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar
system', much less the same building.)
It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)
I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
Monday, September 19, 2011
The Poopie List
Top
Ghost poopie:
the kind where you feel the poopie come out, but the toilet like magic is clean!
Clean Poopie:
the kind where you poopie, it comes out, you see it in the toilet, you know it's there, but you wipe clean.
Wet Poopie:
the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped.
Second Wave Poopie:
this happens when you're done, you stand up, pull your pants up to your knees, and you realize glory is commin' again!
"Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead" Poopie:
this is the kind where you strain so hard to get it out you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie:
the kind of that is so HUGE you're afraid to flush it without the plunger handy.
The Suprise Poopie:
you're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but oops!...wrong..... its a poopie!
Corn Poopie:
now this is self-explanatory.
Drinker's Poopie:
this kind you have the morning after drinking. Note: it's two most noticeable traits are...A) its fowl odor, forget the match...a blow- torch wouldn't even cut this stench!.....B) it's the skid marks it leaves at the bottom of your toilet for the next four days of flushing!
"Gee-I-Wish-I-Could" Poopie:
with this kind you hear yourself chanting over and over.. "i think i can, i think i can". you want to poopie, you know you need to poopie, but you find yourself sitting there til your face is red, you've read 2 novels, and seat marks are left on your butt cheeks,
only to smell a couple of whimpy ole farts.
The Spinal Tap Poopie:
this is where it hurts so bad you swear the stuff is coming out of you sideways!
Wet Cheeks Poopie:
(aka: THE POWER DUMP!) the kind that comes out with such
force, your cheeks get splashed with the water.
Liquid Poopie:
yellowish-brownish, burning juice....need i say more?
Three-Alarm Poopie:
smells so bad you do the courtesy flush three times and it still burns your nose.the neighbors four blocks down the road call the gas company to see if there is a leak!
Upper-Class Poopie:
the kind that, much to your suprise, doesnt smell. in fact you are amazed by the pleasent, fruity smell that has filled the room!
Gassey Poopie:
poopie so noisy, moc-1 doesnt have a thing on it!
and finally...the best...LMAO!
The Dangling Poopie:
the poopie that, no matter how much you shake and shake, refuses to drop into the toilet!!!!!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary
Funny
"Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass."
"I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor." {any guy who claims to be 'really romantic' likely already has a boyfriend of his own...}
"I need you" == "My hand is tired."
"I am different from all the other guys" == "I had an accident in The War."
"I want a commitment." == "I'm getting evicted on Friday."
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about" == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." {either that, or he just broke up with his last 'only love' a few days ago}
"I really want to get to know you better." == "So I can tell my friends about it." {yes ladies -- guys brag about their conquests, but you gals do too!}
"It's just orange juice, try it." == "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." {if she's a blonde, that's perfect!! }
"She's kinda cute." == "I want to have sex with her till I am blue." {that's an interesting comment ... do any particular parts turn blue regularly?? you might want to have a doctor look at that!!}
"I don't know if I like her" == "She won't sleep with me."
"I miss you so much" == "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." {and the roommate works on a sheep farm, so my other options aren't very attractive...}
"Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood." {also called the 'did you notice??' response}
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" == "Don't make jokes about Mr. Happy!!"
"I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?"
"Do you really love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out." {oh, she'll find out guy ... trust me!! sooner or later, you're doomed...}
"I have something to tell you." == "Get tested." {I had a phriend who once picked up the phone to hear no sound other than someone clapping their hands next to the receiver. Shure enough, he had it -- the 'clap', that is. Whew -- that'll ruin your day!!}
"I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." {Guys, when you get that line, just go ahead and erase them from your address book...}
"I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
"I think we should just be friends." == "Your ugly." {Either that, or she's found someone else who hoists that Tent Pole of Love just a bit more robustly in the Carnival of Love ... if you get my drift. I'll betcha $10 that he's got a shaved head, and more tattoos than teeth; wanna bet?? }
"I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!"
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
The Benefits of Growing Older
Funny
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Funny
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Diet Rules For Cheaters
Funny
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE:
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
Funny
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE:
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
Monday, August 29, 2011
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
Funny
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
Funny
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
Top
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resumé.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair.
Top
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resumé.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair.
Monday, August 22, 2011
If Men woke up with a Vagina
Funny
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina....
1. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!!!
Funny
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina....
1. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!!!
Friday, August 19, 2011
New Inventions By Blondes
Funny
A book on how to read.
Inflatable dart boards
Reuseable ice cubes
The water-proof towel
Zero proof alcohol
Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
Rolls Royce pickup truck
Turnip ice cream
Pedal-powered wheel chairs
See-through toilet tissue
Watermelon seed sorter
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Powdered water
Submarine screen doors
Waterproof tea bags
Funny
A book on how to read.
Inflatable dart boards
Reuseable ice cubes
The water-proof towel
Zero proof alcohol
Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
Rolls Royce pickup truck
Turnip ice cream
Pedal-powered wheel chairs
See-through toilet tissue
Watermelon seed sorter
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Powdered water
Submarine screen doors
Waterproof tea bags
Friday, August 12, 2011
English Subtitles used in some Chinese Movies
Funny
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
Funny
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Lawyers Jokes
Top
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
Attorney Season: Rules of Engagement
* Any person with a valid Texas hunting license may harvest attorneys.
* The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
* The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove roadkill to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
* It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter or other aircraft.
* It shall be unlawful to shout, "whiplash," "ambulance!" or, "Free Perrier!" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
* It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
* It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
* If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a $500 bounty on the pelt.
* Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
* It shall be illegal for a hunter to disquise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys
Top
YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.
Attorney Season: Rules of Engagement
* Any person with a valid Texas hunting license may harvest attorneys.
* The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
* The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove roadkill to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
* It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a helicopter or other aircraft.
* It shall be unlawful to shout, "whiplash," "ambulance!" or, "Free Perrier!" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
* It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
* It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
* If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a $500 bounty on the pelt.
* Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
* It shall be illegal for a hunter to disquise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Benefits Of Being Female
Top
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous--guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get out of speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when we dance.
Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the point).
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
We know the truth about whether size matters.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.
Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
We can sleep our way to the top.
Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
WE never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We're NOT men.
Top
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We never ejaculate prematurely.
We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous--guys look like complete idiots in ours.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We can cry and get out of speeding fines.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxis stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when we dance.
Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies (you get the point).
We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
We know the truth about whether size matters.
New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.
Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
We can sleep our way to the top.
Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
WE never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We're NOT men.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Signs You are Dating a Control Freak
15.During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise.
14.Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well.
13.The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?"
12.After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way.
11.He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central Park -- *if* they let him drive.
10.Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 pm Monday night.
9."He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say".
8."You idiot! That's not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard."
7.If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck.
6.When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, "And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?"
5.Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if you weren't "doing it all wrong."
4.She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show.
3.Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day.
2.His TV remote has a PIN number.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Dating a Control Freak...
1.She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be President someday.
15.During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise.
14.Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well.
13.The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?"
12.After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way.
11.He accedes to a romantic horse and buggy ride through Central Park -- *if* they let him drive.
10.Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 pm Monday night.
9."He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say".
8."You idiot! That's not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard."
7.If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck.
6.When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, "And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?"
5.Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if you weren't "doing it all wrong."
4.She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show.
3.Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day.
2.His TV remote has a PIN number.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Dating a Control Freak...
1.She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be President someday.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Thoughts to Help you Through any Crisis
Funny
1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.
Funny
1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Genuine Driving Test Answers
Funny
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. (In other words the Saturday morning traffic school for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate number.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long.
Funny
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. (In other words the Saturday morning traffic school for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate number.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Winners of the Brainless Olympics
Funny
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman MikeCarey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Funny
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman MikeCarey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody...
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary
Funny
"Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass."
"I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor." {any guy who claims to be 'really romantic' likely already has a boyfriend of his own...}
"I need you" == "My hand is tired."
"I am different from all the other guys" == "I had an accident in The War."
"I want a commitment." == "I'm getting evicted on Friday."
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about" == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." {either that, or he just broke up with his last 'only love' a few days ago}
"I really want to get to know you better." == "So I can tell my friends about it." {yes ladies -- guys brag about their conquests, but you gals do too!}
"It's just orange juice, try it." == "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." {if she's a blonde, that's perfect!! }
"She's kinda cute." == "I want to have sex with her till I am blue." {that's an interesting comment ... do any particular parts turn blue regularly?? you might want to have a doctor look at that!!}
"I don't know if I like her" == "She won't sleep with me."
"I miss you so much" == "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." {and the roommate works on a sheep farm, so my other options aren't very attractive...}
"Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood." {also called the 'did you notice??' response}
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" == "Don't make jokes about Mr. Happy!!"
"I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?"
"Do you really love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out." {oh, she'll find out guy ... trust me!! sooner or later, you're doomed...}
"I have something to tell you." == "Get tested." {I had a phriend who once picked up the phone to hear no sound other than someone clapping their hands next to the receiver. Shure enough, he had it -- the 'clap', that is. Whew -- that'll ruin your day!!}
"I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." {Guys, when you get that line, just go ahead and erase them from your address book...}
"I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
"I think we should just be friends." == "Your ugly." {Either that, or she's found someone else who hoists that Tent Pole of Love just a bit more robustly in the Carnival of Love ... if you get my drift. I'll betcha $10 that he's got a shaved head, and more tattoos than teeth; wanna bet?? }
"I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!"
Funny
"Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass."
"I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor." {any guy who claims to be 'really romantic' likely already has a boyfriend of his own...}
"I need you" == "My hand is tired."
"I am different from all the other guys" == "I had an accident in The War."
"I want a commitment." == "I'm getting evicted on Friday."
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about" == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." {either that, or he just broke up with his last 'only love' a few days ago}
"I really want to get to know you better." == "So I can tell my friends about it." {yes ladies -- guys brag about their conquests, but you gals do too!}
"It's just orange juice, try it." == "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." {if she's a blonde, that's perfect!! }
"She's kinda cute." == "I want to have sex with her till I am blue." {that's an interesting comment ... do any particular parts turn blue regularly?? you might want to have a doctor look at that!!}
"I don't know if I like her" == "She won't sleep with me."
"I miss you so much" == "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." {and the roommate works on a sheep farm, so my other options aren't very attractive...}
"Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood." {also called the 'did you notice??' response}
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" == "Don't make jokes about Mr. Happy!!"
"I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?"
"Do you really love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out." {oh, she'll find out guy ... trust me!! sooner or later, you're doomed...}
"I have something to tell you." == "Get tested." {I had a phriend who once picked up the phone to hear no sound other than someone clapping their hands next to the receiver. Shure enough, he had it -- the 'clap', that is. Whew -- that'll ruin your day!!}
"I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." {Guys, when you get that line, just go ahead and erase them from your address book...}
"I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
"I think we should just be friends." == "Your ugly." {Either that, or she's found someone else who hoists that Tent Pole of Love just a bit more robustly in the Carnival of Love ... if you get my drift. I'll betcha $10 that he's got a shaved head, and more tattoos than teeth; wanna bet?? }
"I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!"
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
How to Shower Like a Man
Top
1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you've walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse.
9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area.
10. Wash your rear end.
11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.
12. Make a shampoo mohawk.
13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle.
14. Pee.
15. Repeat #9, because it felt good.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead and dry off with it. If it doesn't smell okay, holler to your wife to find you a clean one.
18. Return to the bedroom wearing the towel; if you pass your wife, flash her.
Top
1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you've walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse.
9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area.
10. Wash your rear end.
11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.
12. Make a shampoo mohawk.
13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle.
14. Pee.
15. Repeat #9, because it felt good.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead and dry off with it. If it doesn't smell okay, holler to your wife to find you a clean one.
18. Return to the bedroom wearing the towel; if you pass your wife, flash her.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Seminars for Females as Suggested by Men
Funny
1. Elementary Map Reading
2. Crying and Law Enforcement
3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
6. The Seven-Outfit Week
7. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it"
8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament
13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "Me Too" Equals I Love You
14. How to Earn Your Own Money
15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics = Good"
16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station
19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+Channels
20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock"
24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
Funny
1. Elementary Map Reading
2. Crying and Law Enforcement
3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
6. The Seven-Outfit Week
7. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it"
8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water
12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament
13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "Me Too" Equals I Love You
14. How to Earn Your Own Money
15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics = Good"
16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station
19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+Channels
20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock"
24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
Sunday, July 10, 2011
If Men wrote the Cosmo
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is afterplay?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. Afterplay is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is afterplay?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. Afterplay is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
If Men wrote the Cosmo
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is afterplay?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. Afterplay is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is afterplay?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. Afterplay is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Top Changes Now That The Baby Has Arrived
Hubby drops to #2 on the list of people drooling at the sight of your breasts. Store clerks don't look at you so funny when you buy your regular weekly supply of diapers.
Finally, someone you can beat at "Got Your Nose," at least for a year or so.
You develop a liking for minivans, sensible shoes, and a deep-seated contempt for Michael Jackson.
You're not so tolerant of strangers asking to touch your round little belly anymore now that you're just FAT.
Goodbye, Happy Hour -- Hello, Happy Meal!
Can't leave the AK-47s under the couch anymore.
No longer get arrested for whipping out your breast on the subway.
The realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors.
Well, there goes the pet dingo.
Cases of Bud Light quickly replaced by cases of Butt Wipes.
Bundle of joy, my ass. Just another ingrate to buy cigarettes for.
Junior looks adorable in his little "sandbox," but the cat is seriously torqued about it.
Mama cuts back to a sixer a day now that she's only "drinkin' fer one."
For efficiency, your paycheck now direct-deposited to Disney.
The closest you come to orgasm is when you think of sleep.
Hubby drops to #2 on the list of people drooling at the sight of your breasts. Store clerks don't look at you so funny when you buy your regular weekly supply of diapers.
Finally, someone you can beat at "Got Your Nose," at least for a year or so.
You develop a liking for minivans, sensible shoes, and a deep-seated contempt for Michael Jackson.
You're not so tolerant of strangers asking to touch your round little belly anymore now that you're just FAT.
Goodbye, Happy Hour -- Hello, Happy Meal!
Can't leave the AK-47s under the couch anymore.
No longer get arrested for whipping out your breast on the subway.
The realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors.
Well, there goes the pet dingo.
Cases of Bud Light quickly replaced by cases of Butt Wipes.
Bundle of joy, my ass. Just another ingrate to buy cigarettes for.
Junior looks adorable in his little "sandbox," but the cat is seriously torqued about it.
Mama cuts back to a sixer a day now that she's only "drinkin' fer one."
For efficiency, your paycheck now direct-deposited to Disney.
The closest you come to orgasm is when you think of sleep.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Things not to say When pulled over
Jokes
15. No, YOU assume the position, Piggy.
14. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!
13. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
12. No, offi, offic, lucifer... I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.
10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
9. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
7. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
6. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
5. Come on, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
1. What do you use those rubber gloves for?
Jokes
15. No, YOU assume the position, Piggy.
14. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunk'in Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!
13. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
12. No, offi, offic, lucifer... I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.
10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
9. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
7. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
6. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
5. Come on, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
1. What do you use those rubber gloves for?
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Fantasy Headlines
Top
New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come.
Here are this year's winners:
Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses).
Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge (Cheryl Chapman).
Time travel to be discovered next year (J. White).
Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies are true (J. White).
Found--the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism (Stephen Thompson).
Water into wine--ancient catalyst rediscovered (Ray Heaton).
I learnt touch typing in utero, says fetus (Helena Petre).
Half-dead cat found in box--RSCPA seeks Austrian scientist (Peter Rowland).
Tony Blair cloned--regional assemblies to get one each (George Oldham).
"Dolly" Thatcher wins 10 seats in Parliament (Kevin Ennis).
Fleischman and Pons awarded Nobel prize (Kevin Ennis)
Mir operating manual discovered behind refrigerator in Moscow supermarket (Alastair Johnson).
The Universe stops expanding this week--keew siht gnidnapxe spots esrevinU ehT (Raymond Broersma).
Butterflies exterminated in Sumatra--"We WILL stop hurricanes," vows Clinton (Bonnie Ralph).
Genetically spliced yeast makes old malt whisky from remaindered books (Ronald Smith).
Meteorite hits lottery winner (Patrick Rowley).
Fermat's last memo discovered--"Sod the margin, look on the other side of the page" (Chris Moore).
Goodbye Dolly--biotechnology triumph mown down by tourist's car (Richard Collender).
"Face" on Mars proves to be optical illusion--NASA now investigating "vase" on Mars (Bruce Alcorn).
Immune system boosted by real ale (Gerald Leach).
Microsoft help helps (Mike Haslam).
"Guilt" gene isolated and destroyed--millions enjoy Christmas (Melissa Lewis)
Top
New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come.
Here are this year's winners:
Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses).
Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge (Cheryl Chapman).
Time travel to be discovered next year (J. White).
Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies are true (J. White).
Found--the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism (Stephen Thompson).
Water into wine--ancient catalyst rediscovered (Ray Heaton).
I learnt touch typing in utero, says fetus (Helena Petre).
Half-dead cat found in box--RSCPA seeks Austrian scientist (Peter Rowland).
Tony Blair cloned--regional assemblies to get one each (George Oldham).
"Dolly" Thatcher wins 10 seats in Parliament (Kevin Ennis).
Fleischman and Pons awarded Nobel prize (Kevin Ennis)
Mir operating manual discovered behind refrigerator in Moscow supermarket (Alastair Johnson).
The Universe stops expanding this week--keew siht gnidnapxe spots esrevinU ehT (Raymond Broersma).
Butterflies exterminated in Sumatra--"We WILL stop hurricanes," vows Clinton (Bonnie Ralph).
Genetically spliced yeast makes old malt whisky from remaindered books (Ronald Smith).
Meteorite hits lottery winner (Patrick Rowley).
Fermat's last memo discovered--"Sod the margin, look on the other side of the page" (Chris Moore).
Goodbye Dolly--biotechnology triumph mown down by tourist's car (Richard Collender).
"Face" on Mars proves to be optical illusion--NASA now investigating "vase" on Mars (Bruce Alcorn).
Immune system boosted by real ale (Gerald Leach).
Microsoft help helps (Mike Haslam).
"Guilt" gene isolated and destroyed--millions enjoy Christmas (Melissa Lewis)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Few statistics for you
Jokes
- Average life expectancy ( in seconds ) of an enemy soldiers in a Chuck
Norris film : 4
- Number of men who have written letters proposing marriage to Vanna White :
3506
- Age most people stop believing in Santa Claus : 8
In politicians : 7
- Number of chemical elements in the universe : 104
In a glass of New Jersey tap water : 98
- Number of days into baseball season before Cleveland Indians are written
off as pennant contendors : 5
- Average powder base ( in inches ) on Aspen ski lope : 17
On Tammy Bakker : 1/4
- Salary of the average Pro Wrestler : $47,500 /yr.
If Pro Wrestling didn't exist : $3,35/hr.
- Number of things that annoy Andy Rooney : 2,000,000
Number of people annoyed by Andy Rooney : 23,000,000
- Average miles per gallon you can expect if a car maker's ad say " 30 mph,
city" : 23
- Number of people who aren't doctors, but play the on TV : 57
Who aren't doctor's but play them in hospitals : 5,840
- Number of people in the history of air travel who have been able to get a
$99 Maxsaver fare to coast : 2
Restrictions for that fare : 237
- Percentage of the public that understand the new tax code : 11%
- Percentage of accountants who understand it : 9%
- Percentage of IRS employees who understand it : 6%
- Number of people who work for the government : about half
Jokes
- Average life expectancy ( in seconds ) of an enemy soldiers in a Chuck
Norris film : 4
- Number of men who have written letters proposing marriage to Vanna White :
3506
- Age most people stop believing in Santa Claus : 8
In politicians : 7
- Number of chemical elements in the universe : 104
In a glass of New Jersey tap water : 98
- Number of days into baseball season before Cleveland Indians are written
off as pennant contendors : 5
- Average powder base ( in inches ) on Aspen ski lope : 17
On Tammy Bakker : 1/4
- Salary of the average Pro Wrestler : $47,500 /yr.
If Pro Wrestling didn't exist : $3,35/hr.
- Number of things that annoy Andy Rooney : 2,000,000
Number of people annoyed by Andy Rooney : 23,000,000
- Average miles per gallon you can expect if a car maker's ad say " 30 mph,
city" : 23
- Number of people who aren't doctors, but play the on TV : 57
Who aren't doctor's but play them in hospitals : 5,840
- Number of people in the history of air travel who have been able to get a
$99 Maxsaver fare to coast : 2
Restrictions for that fare : 237
- Percentage of the public that understand the new tax code : 11%
- Percentage of accountants who understand it : 9%
- Percentage of IRS employees who understand it : 6%
- Number of people who work for the government : about half
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
50 Fun Things for Professors to Do...
on the First Day of Class
1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling
noises.
2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class
for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that
yesterday was the last day to drop.
3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and
scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point
to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you
a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor
can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand
them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the
lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their
responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade
book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class
whether your butt looks fat.
11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.
13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention
hotline number on the board.
14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore
all questions.
15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's
"Sex Machine."
16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps
would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local
phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will
be a quiz.
18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead
of you as you pace back and forth.
19. Address students as "worm".
20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam.Tell them there will be just one grade for all their answers- "c".
on the First Day of Class
1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling
noises.
2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class
for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that
yesterday was the last day to drop.
3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and
scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point
to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you
a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor
can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand
them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the
lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their
responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade
book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class
whether your butt looks fat.
11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.
13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention
hotline number on the board.
14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore
all questions.
15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's
"Sex Machine."
16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps
would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local
phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will
be a quiz.
18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead
of you as you pace back and forth.
19. Address students as "worm".
20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam.Tell them there will be just one grade for all their answers- "c".
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
If Men wrote the Cosmo
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is afterplay?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. Afterplay is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is afterplay?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. Afterplay is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
Friday, June 24, 2011
What a Concept
Funny
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Support bacteria - the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; Coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Funny
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Support bacteria - the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case; Coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Inventions by Blondes
# A book on how to read.
# Inflatable dart boards
# Reuseable ice cubes
# The water-proof towel
# Zero proof alcohol
# Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
# Rolls Royce pickup truck
# Turnip ice cream
# Pedal-powered wheel chairs
# See-through toilet tissue
# Watermelon seed sorter
# Glow in the dark sunglasses
# Powdered water
# Submarine screen doors
# Waterproof tea bags
# A book on how to read.
# Inflatable dart boards
# Reuseable ice cubes
# The water-proof towel
# Zero proof alcohol
# Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
# Rolls Royce pickup truck
# Turnip ice cream
# Pedal-powered wheel chairs
# See-through toilet tissue
# Watermelon seed sorter
# Glow in the dark sunglasses
# Powdered water
# Submarine screen doors
# Waterproof tea bags
Monday, June 20, 2011
Suggestions for Guys While Golfing OR Taking a Leak
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.
Friday, June 17, 2011
19 Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say,"Oh sh*t!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say,"Oh sh*t!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa ! Easy boy !!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressors Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Good looks and Brains too?
Funny
A few years ago, Howard Stern hosted Julie Cialini ('96 Playmate of the Year) and Stacey Sanchez ('97 Playmate of the Year) for a morning of sordid joviality. The ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars, answered ten questions from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how important it is for them *AS ROLE MODELS* for young women to stay up on current affairs.
Q: Who is the President of Russia?
Julie: "Gorbachev"
Stacey: "Gretzky"
(correct answer: Boris Yeltsin)
Q: Define the meaning of NAACP.
Julie: "Something, something, something, for Certified Pianists"
Stacey: "It's some kind of police organization."
(correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of Colored People)
Q: Who was the inventor of the lightbulb?
Julie: "I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember the
lightbulb guy."
Stacey: "I don't know."
(correct answer: Thomas A. Edison. Alexander Graham Bell was the phone guy!)
Q: Who is the Speaker of the House?
Julie: "Gore something-or-other."
Stacey: "Bill Clinton."
(correct answer: Newt Gingrich.For the benefit of international members of the market, Al "Gore" is the U.S. Vice President, "Bill Clinton" is our president. )
Q: Define the meaning of the letters CIA.
Julie: "I don't know."
Stacey: "Certified Investigation Association."
(correct answer: Central Intelligence Agency)
Q: What is the center of our solar system?
Julie: "The Equator"
Stacey: "The Moon"
(correct answer: The Sun)
Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched to what he termed "industry related" questions:
Q: What do the initials "DK" stand for?
A: both knew it was fashion designer "Donna Karan."
Q: What is "Cristal?"
A: both knew it was an elite champagne
Q: What car company has a model known as a "911?"
A: both knew it was Porsche
Q: Who's face is on the (U.S.) $100 bill?
A: both knew it was Ben Franklin
Funny
A few years ago, Howard Stern hosted Julie Cialini ('96 Playmate of the Year) and Stacey Sanchez ('97 Playmate of the Year) for a morning of sordid joviality. The ladies, who were promoting their latest calendars, answered ten questions from Howard, ostensibly to demonstrate how important it is for them *AS ROLE MODELS* for young women to stay up on current affairs.
Q: Who is the President of Russia?
Julie: "Gorbachev"
Stacey: "Gretzky"
(correct answer: Boris Yeltsin)
Q: Define the meaning of NAACP.
Julie: "Something, something, something, for Certified Pianists"
Stacey: "It's some kind of police organization."
(correct answer: National Association for the Advancement of Colored People)
Q: Who was the inventor of the lightbulb?
Julie: "I know Edison invented the telephone, but I can't remember the
lightbulb guy."
Stacey: "I don't know."
(correct answer: Thomas A. Edison. Alexander Graham Bell was the phone guy!)
Q: Who is the Speaker of the House?
Julie: "Gore something-or-other."
Stacey: "Bill Clinton."
(correct answer: Newt Gingrich.For the benefit of international members of the market, Al "Gore" is the U.S. Vice President, "Bill Clinton" is our president. )
Q: Define the meaning of the letters CIA.
Julie: "I don't know."
Stacey: "Certified Investigation Association."
(correct answer: Central Intelligence Agency)
Q: What is the center of our solar system?
Julie: "The Equator"
Stacey: "The Moon"
(correct answer: The Sun)
Changing his tack to create better odds for the girls, Howard switched to what he termed "industry related" questions:
Q: What do the initials "DK" stand for?
A: both knew it was fashion designer "Donna Karan."
Q: What is "Cristal?"
A: both knew it was an elite champagne
Q: What car company has a model known as a "911?"
A: both knew it was Porsche
Q: Who's face is on the (U.S.) $100 bill?
A: both knew it was Ben Franklin
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
50 Ways to get Rid of a Bad Date
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults
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