Ya might be a Redneck if.....
...You think the nutcracker is somethin you did off the high dive.
...You wont stop at a rest area if you have a empty beer can in the car.
...You think Iraq is top-of-the-line Camaro.
...Your spring wardrabe mostly involves scissors.
...you know atleast 6 ways to bend a baseball cap.
...you own a lava lamp thats over 5 feet tall.
...there are more than 10 cats livin under your trailer.
...you've ever thrown up in a squad car.
...your frist bra was a Wonderbra.
...you've ever had to appear in court due to your dogs.
...You think Thunderbird is an acceptable wine choice with a bean burrito.
...your grandma enters wet t-shrit contests.
...your local grocery store also has a few pool tables.
...your septic tank is the subject of a petition.
...you have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
...you had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
...your car and its motor are more than ten feet apart.
...stealing road signs is a family outing.
...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
...you sent out birth announcements for your new puppies.
...you've changed a diaper on a Denny's table.
...you've ever named a child for a good dog.
...your T.V. is on 24-7.
...your last keg party included a couple of 911 calls.
...you have to mow around a refridgeator and a bed frame.
...you've ever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery.
...Everyone in the house learns somthing from the potty training videotape.
...Diners change tables when your family sits near them.
...your prom dress was knitted.
...you were born with a plastic spoon in your mouth.
...your bridal veil was made of window screen.
...you think people who have elictricty are uppity.
...your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
...the Marlboro man is your idol.
...all your golf balls come in egg cartons.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
I thought this list was good for the day! Went to a concert this weekend, Greenday and AFI. Yes I was feeling a little old when I saw the kids that were there. I took my girls and a few friends, had a great time watching all the people. So I think I should add to the list. You know you are old when you go to a concert and people watch more than pay attention to the music!
25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Although this is totally not true, in fairness I am posting this. Men who read this blog can be happy I included something like this. I believe it is because I am still asleep and have not had my coffee yet. I will be actively looking for something to post that is geared toward women.hahahaha
I also have to blog about my day yesterday! We moved into a nice new beautiful house last year and since that time I have paid for my husbands toy to be stored away from the house. This had driven him nuts and finally yesterday he got the boat into the garage. Of course the damn thing takes up all of the garage but I just got sick and tired of the whining. I am looking for a funny list about men and their toys!!
His and Hers ATM Machines
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
I also have to blog about my day yesterday! We moved into a nice new beautiful house last year and since that time I have paid for my husbands toy to be stored away from the house. This had driven him nuts and finally yesterday he got the boat into the garage. Of course the damn thing takes up all of the garage but I just got sick and tired of the whining. I am looking for a funny list about men and their toys!!
His and Hers ATM Machines
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Inspirational Messages Not Heard At Work
17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
11. We put the "k" in "kwality."
10. 2 days without a human rights violation.
9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.
7. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
5. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
2. Plagiarism saves time.
1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
11. We put the "k" in "kwality."
10. 2 days without a human rights violation.
9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.
7. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
5. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
2. Plagiarism saves time.
1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
You know you're having a bad day when
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.
The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag.
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.
You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night ....and there aren't any.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.
Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.
You need one bathroom scale for each foot.
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.
You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company.
Airline food starts to taste good.
Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.
You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.
You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it.
Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.
Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a chihuahua, tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate...and you live in Arizona.
The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear Blimp is gaining on you.
The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
People think you are 40...and you really are.
You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.
Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." And you remember that you were home by yourself.
Everyone is laughing but you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.
The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag.
You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.
You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night ....and there aren't any.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.
Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
You compliment the boss' wife on her unusual perfume and she isn't wearing any.
You need one bathroom scale for each foot.
You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.
The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.
You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money...from the electric company.
Airline food starts to taste good.
Your mother approves of the person you are dating.
Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.
You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.
You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.
You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it.
Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.
Everyone loves your driver's license picture.
You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.
Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.
Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a chihuahua, tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate...and you live in Arizona.
The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear Blimp is gaining on you.
The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
People think you are 40...and you really are.
You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.
Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." And you remember that you were home by yourself.
Everyone is laughing but you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monday, August 23, 2010
Good Morning All!! Wow had a fairly decent weekend however yesterday did have a slightly hangover!! I am really getting to old for that shit! One of my friends took me to a all women's party! I am really too old for that shit too! hahaha To much information was shared and and had to have a couple of drinks! Since I am a light weight I seriously should have not had any but since I was avoiding, there you go! I paid for it in the morning though!
Have a great week! and if you go to a party like this, seriously take a driver!
True Friendship
1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining
6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.
7. When you are sick, ..stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass
Have a great week! and if you go to a party like this, seriously take a driver!
True Friendship
1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining
6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.
7. When you are sick, ..stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass
Friday, August 20, 2010
Kids Say The Darndest Things
What Is The Proper Age To Get Married?
"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)
What Do Most People Do On A Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she will want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
Concerning Why Love Happens Between Two People:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
On What Falling In Love Is Like:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long a time to learn." (Leo, 7)
On The Role Of Good Looks In Love And Romance:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary,7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)
Confidential Opinions About Love:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."(Ava, 8)
Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are In Love?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You":
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
How A Person Learns To Kiss:
"You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you.... that's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
How To Make Love Endure:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name . . . that will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)
What Is The Proper Age To Get Married?
"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)
What Do Most People Do On A Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she will want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
Concerning Why Love Happens Between Two People:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
On What Falling In Love Is Like:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long a time to learn." (Leo, 7)
On The Role Of Good Looks In Love And Romance:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary,7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)
Confidential Opinions About Love:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."(Ava, 8)
Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are In Love?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You":
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
How A Person Learns To Kiss:
"You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you.... that's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
How To Make Love Endure:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name . . . that will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I am very non committal on this list!! haha It was sent from Robbie and I thank him and also blame him. I have no responsibility here whatsoever!
You Know You're From California When...
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
You were born somewhere else.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
Your car has bullet-proof windows.
Left is right and right is wrong.
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
You drive to your neighborhood block party.
You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
Smoking in your office is not optional.
You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
All highways into the state say: "no fruits."
All highways out of the state say: "Go back."
The Terminator is your governor.
You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
You Know You're From California When...
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
You were born somewhere else.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
Your car has bullet-proof windows.
Left is right and right is wrong.
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
You drive to your neighborhood block party.
You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
Smoking in your office is not optional.
You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
All highways into the state say: "no fruits."
All highways out of the state say: "Go back."
The Terminator is your governor.
You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Good Morning people!! I hope you are more awake than I am, had a hard time sleeping last night and am currently on my third cup of coffee!! Have a good one!
Dilbert's 25 Rules of Order
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2 . I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
6. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
7. My reality cheque has bounced.
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
10. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
13. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
14. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
15. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
16. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
17. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
18. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
19. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
20. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
21. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
22. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24. Following the rules will not get the job done.
25. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Dilbert's 25 Rules of Order
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2 . I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
6. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
7. My reality cheque has bounced.
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
10. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
13. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
14. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
15. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
16. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
17. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
18. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
19. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
20. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
21. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
22. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24. Following the rules will not get the job done.
25. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Happy Monday! I hope this kicks off your week to make it a good one! This weekend was very nice a relaxing, yeah for school to be back in!! I love the days when there is a lot of noise and commotion in the morning only to go silent when my children leave!!
Cynics Guide to Life
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
Any sufficiently complicated technology is indistinguishable from bad karma.
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Cynics Guide to Life
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
Any sufficiently complicated technology is indistinguishable from bad karma.
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Really wanting to go back to bed. The whole waking up early with the kids is a little overrated. I think school is for them not me. Why do I have to be punished?
Are You Professional?
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be "professional". Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
Pass this around to frustrate all of your friends and associates.
Are You Professional?
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be "professional". Scroll down for each answer. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
Pass this around to frustrate all of your friends and associates.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
ah, the first day of school. The new clothes, the fights over the shower. Gosh how I missed all of this over the summer!! I now have tow kids in high school and boy am I feeling old! It was nice when I used to be able to dress them and make sure their hair was nice for pictures. Now it is MOM, I don't want to wear nice clothes today! Always a battle!
I particularly would like to throw out the kudos to the guy who took his son to the first day of school on a John Deer tractor. I would love to do this and am seriously thinking I may have to rent one for next year! haha
25 Creative Ways to say that someone is Stupid
A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
A few beers short of a six-pack
Dumber than a box of hair
A few peas short of a casserole
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer
Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools
As smart as bait
Chimney's clogged
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top
Forgot to pay his brain bill
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
No grain in the silo
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Several nuts short of a full package
Too much yardage between the goal posts
----------------
Country Songs You'll Never Hear
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
Her Teeth was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
She's Lookin' Better After Every Beer
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
Mama, Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I particularly would like to throw out the kudos to the guy who took his son to the first day of school on a John Deer tractor. I would love to do this and am seriously thinking I may have to rent one for next year! haha
25 Creative Ways to say that someone is Stupid
A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
A few beers short of a six-pack
Dumber than a box of hair
A few peas short of a casserole
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl
A few feathers short of a whole duck
All foam, no beer
Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools
As smart as bait
Chimney's clogged
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top
Forgot to pay his brain bill
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
Missing a few buttons on his remote control
No grain in the silo
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
Receiver is off the hook
Several nuts short of a full package
Too much yardage between the goal posts
----------------
Country Songs You'll Never Hear
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
Her Teeth was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
She's Lookin' Better After Every Beer
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
Mama, Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
I was feeling a little introspective this morning so this is the post you are going to get! Some days I think way too much and I believe this day may be one of them so by the end of the day I will have a migraine and need medication (not necessarily a bad thing).
After yesterdays post I will have to say that I will be online this morning as I drive seven cups of coffee to make the mind race even more so feel free to chime in. My mom feels that I was dissing her a little cause she loves the whole pork chops and shake and bake meal. I have now come up with a new theory. Anyone in the baby boomers era were raised on that nasty stuff so therefore the love it. Well as I tell her often IT WILL KILL YOU! hahaha
PS My mom is thinks she can post on my blog one day as payback. HMMMMMMMMMMMM NO!!!
Love Ya MA!!
1. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
2. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
3. Why do women wear evening gowns to go out at night? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
4. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
5. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread.
6. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
8. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
9. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
10. If horrific is akin to horrible, why isn't terrific akin to terrible?
11. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
12. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
13. Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
14. Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
15. Why are there locks on the door of stores that are open 24/7 365 days a year?
16. Why are there braille dots on a drive-through ATM keypad?
17. Why does a ship carry cargo, and a car carry shipments?
18. Why do doctors call what they do practice? Shouldn't they be good at it by now?
19. Why does cleave mean both to adhere and separate?
20. If you got in a cab and the driver drove backwards would he end up owing you money?
21. Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
22. When someone says "You know what they say..." Who are they?
23. What happens if you drive at the speed of light and turn your head lights on?
24. If you throw a cat out your car window does it become kitty litter?
25. Sean Fitzpatrick, but does Patrick fit Sean?
26. Street sign: "To the Braille Institute". Who's it for?
27. If corn oil comes from corn and olive oil comes from olives, where the heck does baby oil come from?
28. If you spin an oriental man, does he become disoriented?
29. Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made from beef?
30. Why do people in Alaska buy white cars?
31. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
32. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
33. If you're in France and you order toast, do you get toast or French toast?
34. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
35. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
36. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Does old sour cream go good?
37. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
38. Is there another word for synonym?
39. If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
40. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
41. If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make it stick to the pan?
42. If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?
43. Why don't psychics predict the winning lottery numbers and retire?
44. If you hate all prejudice people, are you a hypoocrite?
45. Why do they call them apartments, when they're all together?
46. Who was the idiot that decided to put an "s" in the word lisp?
47. Why is the word for "a fear of long words" so long? (Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia)
48. Where does your lap go when you stand up?
49. If instant oatmeal is instant, then why does it take 1 to 2 minutes to cook in the microwave?
50. You can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but why can't you be simply whelmed?
51. Why is it that when the batteries in your remote control wear out you just push the buttons harder?
52. Can fat people go skinny dipping?
53. Why do they use artificial lemon juice in bottled lemon juice and use real lemon juice in dish soap?
54. Why don't they make the entire airplane out of the same material that the indestructible black box is made of?
55. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
56. If a cannibal ate a clown, would it taste funny?
57. If you try to fail, and you fail, have you succeeded or failed?
58. Why are boxing rings square?
59. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
60. Shouldn't the opposite of shut up be shut down?
61. Why do you always find things in the last place you looked?
62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
63. Why is phoenetically not pronounced phoenetically?
64. If I dreamed of being chased by a giant squirrel would that make me a nut?
65. Why do people order a super-sized Big Mac™ meal with a Diet Coke?
66. Why do people have worthless junk in the garage and leave their expensive car in the driveway?
67. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
68. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
69. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
70. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
71. Why do they call it a building? It looks like they are finished Why isn't it a built?
72. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
73. Did you ever wonder why kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
74. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
75. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
76. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
77. How do a fool and his money get together in the first place?
78. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
79. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
80. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
81. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
82. Why do banks charge you a "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
83. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
84. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
85. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
86. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
87. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
88. How come there aren't B batteries?
89. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
90. Is a metaphor like a simile?
91. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
92. How is it possible to have a civil war?
93. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
94. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
95. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
96. If crime doesn't pay does that mean that my job is a crime?
97. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
98. How can there be self-help "groups"?
99. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
100. How do you throw away a garbage can?
101. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
102. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
103. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
104. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
105. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
106. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
107. How do you remove a club soda stain?
108. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
109. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
110. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
111. How do blind people know when they are done wiping their behinds?
112. If practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, why bother practice?
113. If hunting season means you can kill animals, and fishing season means you can catch fish, what is the tourist season?
114. Why do people sing "Take me out to the ball game" when they are already
115. there?
116. How do hearing aid companies expect potential customers to hear their commercials?
117. When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?
118. Why is there neither pine nor apple in pineapple?
119. Why does the arcade game "Donkey Kong" have a monkey? Why isn't it called Monkey Kong?
120. Why do lumberjacks cut trees down and then chop them up?
121. What's the deal with Grapenuts? They're neither grape nor nuts.
122. How do people get discombobulated? Have you ever seen someone who was combobulated?
123. If we call people from Poland poles why don't we call people from Holand holes?
124. If a rabbit's foot was actually lucky, wouldn't it still be attached to the rabbit's leg?
125. Why does Goofy talk and wear clothes while Pluto barks naked?
126. If you wanted to mummify a fly, would you use dental floss?
127. If the husband dies, the wife is called a widow, if a child's parents die, it is called an orphan. Why isn't there a word for a parent that loses a child?
128. Why do they call it baby-sitting when all you do is run after them?
129. Why is it called American football when they rarely use their feet to play?
130. Why do you put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
131. What if there were no hypothetical situations?
132. Why does an alarm clock said to go "off" when it actually turns on?
133. Why are they stairs inside but steps outside?
134. Why does pizza come in a square box?
135. How does a fish sleep?
136. Why are feet smelly and noses runny?
137. Why does Mickey Mouse wear pants and no shirt while Donald Duck wears a shirt and no pants?
138. If you sued a parsley farmer could you garnish his wages?
139. Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off?
140. Why is it called a "word to the wise?" If they're already wise, why do they need to hear it?
141. If a chicken had lips, could it whistle?
142. Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
143. How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
144. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
145. How much wind could a windbreaker break if a windbreaker could break wind?
146. Why do you call an open door ajar?
147. Why does the word monosyllabic have five syllables?
148. Why is it called a TV set if you only get one?
149. If you removed a fly's wings, would it be called a walk?
150. Does expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
151. Why do you bake cookies and cook bacon?
152. If Superman can stop bullets with his chest, why does he always duck when a gun is thrown at him?
153. Why did the Hulk's shirt always rip but not his pants?
154. It is impossible to commit suicide by holding your breath.
155. If you had three quarters, four dimes and four pennies in your pocket you would have $1.19. You would also have the largest number (11) and combination of coins possible without being able to provide change for a dollar.
156. Why isn't it funny when you hit your funny bone?
157. Why do you have to click Start to stop your computer?
158. Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
After yesterdays post I will have to say that I will be online this morning as I drive seven cups of coffee to make the mind race even more so feel free to chime in. My mom feels that I was dissing her a little cause she loves the whole pork chops and shake and bake meal. I have now come up with a new theory. Anyone in the baby boomers era were raised on that nasty stuff so therefore the love it. Well as I tell her often IT WILL KILL YOU! hahaha
PS My mom is thinks she can post on my blog one day as payback. HMMMMMMMMMMMM NO!!!
Love Ya MA!!
1. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
2. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
3. Why do women wear evening gowns to go out at night? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
4. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
5. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread.
6. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
8. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
9. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
10. If horrific is akin to horrible, why isn't terrific akin to terrible?
11. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
12. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
13. Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
14. Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
15. Why are there locks on the door of stores that are open 24/7 365 days a year?
16. Why are there braille dots on a drive-through ATM keypad?
17. Why does a ship carry cargo, and a car carry shipments?
18. Why do doctors call what they do practice? Shouldn't they be good at it by now?
19. Why does cleave mean both to adhere and separate?
20. If you got in a cab and the driver drove backwards would he end up owing you money?
21. Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?
22. When someone says "You know what they say..." Who are they?
23. What happens if you drive at the speed of light and turn your head lights on?
24. If you throw a cat out your car window does it become kitty litter?
25. Sean Fitzpatrick, but does Patrick fit Sean?
26. Street sign: "To the Braille Institute". Who's it for?
27. If corn oil comes from corn and olive oil comes from olives, where the heck does baby oil come from?
28. If you spin an oriental man, does he become disoriented?
29. Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made from beef?
30. Why do people in Alaska buy white cars?
31. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
32. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
33. If you're in France and you order toast, do you get toast or French toast?
34. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
35. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
36. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Does old sour cream go good?
37. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
38. Is there another word for synonym?
39. If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
40. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
41. If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make it stick to the pan?
42. If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?
43. Why don't psychics predict the winning lottery numbers and retire?
44. If you hate all prejudice people, are you a hypoocrite?
45. Why do they call them apartments, when they're all together?
46. Who was the idiot that decided to put an "s" in the word lisp?
47. Why is the word for "a fear of long words" so long? (Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia)
48. Where does your lap go when you stand up?
49. If instant oatmeal is instant, then why does it take 1 to 2 minutes to cook in the microwave?
50. You can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but why can't you be simply whelmed?
51. Why is it that when the batteries in your remote control wear out you just push the buttons harder?
52. Can fat people go skinny dipping?
53. Why do they use artificial lemon juice in bottled lemon juice and use real lemon juice in dish soap?
54. Why don't they make the entire airplane out of the same material that the indestructible black box is made of?
55. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
56. If a cannibal ate a clown, would it taste funny?
57. If you try to fail, and you fail, have you succeeded or failed?
58. Why are boxing rings square?
59. If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
60. Shouldn't the opposite of shut up be shut down?
61. Why do you always find things in the last place you looked?
62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
63. Why is phoenetically not pronounced phoenetically?
64. If I dreamed of being chased by a giant squirrel would that make me a nut?
65. Why do people order a super-sized Big Mac™ meal with a Diet Coke?
66. Why do people have worthless junk in the garage and leave their expensive car in the driveway?
67. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
68. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
69. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
70. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
71. Why do they call it a building? It looks like they are finished Why isn't it a built?
72. If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
73. Did you ever wonder why kamikaze pilots wore helmets?
74. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
75. Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
76. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
77. How do a fool and his money get together in the first place?
78. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
79. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
80. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
81. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
82. Why do banks charge you a "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
83. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
84. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
85. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
86. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
87. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
88. How come there aren't B batteries?
89. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
90. Is a metaphor like a simile?
91. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
92. How is it possible to have a civil war?
93. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
94. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
95. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
96. If crime doesn't pay does that mean that my job is a crime?
97. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
98. How can there be self-help "groups"?
99. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
100. How do you throw away a garbage can?
101. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
102. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
103. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
104. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
105. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
106. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
107. How do you remove a club soda stain?
108. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
109. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
110. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
111. How do blind people know when they are done wiping their behinds?
112. If practice makes perfect, and no one is perfect, why bother practice?
113. If hunting season means you can kill animals, and fishing season means you can catch fish, what is the tourist season?
114. Why do people sing "Take me out to the ball game" when they are already
115. there?
116. How do hearing aid companies expect potential customers to hear their commercials?
117. When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?
118. Why is there neither pine nor apple in pineapple?
119. Why does the arcade game "Donkey Kong" have a monkey? Why isn't it called Monkey Kong?
120. Why do lumberjacks cut trees down and then chop them up?
121. What's the deal with Grapenuts? They're neither grape nor nuts.
122. How do people get discombobulated? Have you ever seen someone who was combobulated?
123. If we call people from Poland poles why don't we call people from Holand holes?
124. If a rabbit's foot was actually lucky, wouldn't it still be attached to the rabbit's leg?
125. Why does Goofy talk and wear clothes while Pluto barks naked?
126. If you wanted to mummify a fly, would you use dental floss?
127. If the husband dies, the wife is called a widow, if a child's parents die, it is called an orphan. Why isn't there a word for a parent that loses a child?
128. Why do they call it baby-sitting when all you do is run after them?
129. Why is it called American football when they rarely use their feet to play?
130. Why do you put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
131. What if there were no hypothetical situations?
132. Why does an alarm clock said to go "off" when it actually turns on?
133. Why are they stairs inside but steps outside?
134. Why does pizza come in a square box?
135. How does a fish sleep?
136. Why are feet smelly and noses runny?
137. Why does Mickey Mouse wear pants and no shirt while Donald Duck wears a shirt and no pants?
138. If you sued a parsley farmer could you garnish his wages?
139. Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off?
140. Why is it called a "word to the wise?" If they're already wise, why do they need to hear it?
141. If a chicken had lips, could it whistle?
142. Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
143. How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
144. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
145. How much wind could a windbreaker break if a windbreaker could break wind?
146. Why do you call an open door ajar?
147. Why does the word monosyllabic have five syllables?
148. Why is it called a TV set if you only get one?
149. If you removed a fly's wings, would it be called a walk?
150. Does expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
151. Why do you bake cookies and cook bacon?
152. If Superman can stop bullets with his chest, why does he always duck when a gun is thrown at him?
153. Why did the Hulk's shirt always rip but not his pants?
154. It is impossible to commit suicide by holding your breath.
155. If you had three quarters, four dimes and four pennies in your pocket you would have $1.19. You would also have the largest number (11) and combination of coins possible without being able to provide change for a dollar.
156. Why isn't it funny when you hit your funny bone?
157. Why do you have to click Start to stop your computer?
158. Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Because the kids are going back to school this week, yea, I thought I would use lists about kids. Not included is of course the infamous Shake and Bake which will kill you if fed to your children. Of course there is a story behind this but I was so scared as a child I have block out the experience. Needless to say I wanted to make sure no other child had this problem so please parents remember your children will have noghtmares for life if you feed the pork chops and shake and bake.
Ha Ha Ha, Love you Mom!
Kids’ Kitchen Terms
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
DESSERT: The reason for eating a meal.
EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
SODA POP: Shake 'N Spray.
TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument.
Ha Ha Ha, Love you Mom!
Kids’ Kitchen Terms
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
DESSERT: The reason for eating a meal.
EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
SODA POP: Shake 'N Spray.
TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument.
Monday, August 9, 2010
So ya I am going to actually blog today! This weekend was very fun and hilarious with my girls. Took them on a road trip out to the plains for a concert, Luke Bryan and Josh Turner, yes they were awesome. First of all the little fair we went to was the perfect place to watch people, I am pretty sure the branches from those trees do not go very far.
I was sitting next to a woman and her husband and when Josh Turner asked if there was anyone in the audience that was in love everyone started clapping and yelling. The man asked his wife why she was not clapping and she turned to him and said, "Because I am fuckin around on you" Seriously, what the hell is this world coming to that this chick would do this at a concert full of people and think it was OK. I almost had a heart attack but it made the night even more interesting.
On the way home we drove the two hours laughing and joking the whole time. My mom and my daughters 15 and 14 were joking and laughing the whole time. It was midnight and I think they were a little tired so they entertained each other with singing and talking about aliens.
Just before we got home my beloved 14 year old who is an airhead thought she saw something standing in the middle of the road, which in turn basically spooked us all and we figured Jason was going to come out any second and kill us. For some reason my car doors would not lock so we used that to scare ourselves even more.
I am pretty sure we have not had that much fun in a long time. For entertainment I think we are going to start taping our car rides because that is when we have the most fun!
I was sitting next to a woman and her husband and when Josh Turner asked if there was anyone in the audience that was in love everyone started clapping and yelling. The man asked his wife why she was not clapping and she turned to him and said, "Because I am fuckin around on you" Seriously, what the hell is this world coming to that this chick would do this at a concert full of people and think it was OK. I almost had a heart attack but it made the night even more interesting.
On the way home we drove the two hours laughing and joking the whole time. My mom and my daughters 15 and 14 were joking and laughing the whole time. It was midnight and I think they were a little tired so they entertained each other with singing and talking about aliens.
Just before we got home my beloved 14 year old who is an airhead thought she saw something standing in the middle of the road, which in turn basically spooked us all and we figured Jason was going to come out any second and kill us. For some reason my car doors would not lock so we used that to scare ourselves even more.
I am pretty sure we have not had that much fun in a long time. For entertainment I think we are going to start taping our car rides because that is when we have the most fun!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Although I believe this one is complete bull I found i very humorous and figured I would share!
Sorry about the photos but I had a little problem with my computer but they will be back soon!
Why Men Are Happier
Men are just happier people, and here's why...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
Sorry about the photos but I had a little problem with my computer but they will be back soon!
Why Men Are Happier
Men are just happier people, and here's why...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Are You a Child of the 80s?
1. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair "...and can do the "Carlton".
2. You rember when girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
3. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
4. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
5. Two words: Hammer Pants.
6. You watched "Fraggle Rock ".
7. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and "spokey-dokes" or playing cards on your bike wheel spokes for that incredible sound effect.
8. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales ". (Woo ooh!)
9. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
10. You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen... and still know the turtles names.
15. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
16. You wore stonewashed Jordache jeans and jean jackets and were proud of it.
17. You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing " and all the Ramona books.
18. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
19. You remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
20. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard.
21. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
22. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
23. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!"
24. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - "You Give Love a Bad Name". 25. You went to a roller skating rink before there were inline skates.
26. You owned a bannana clip.
27. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
28. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
29. You remember Wendy's "Where's the Beef?" ad campaign.
30. You're still humming "shot through the heart...and you're to blame..." aren't you?!
1. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair "...and can do the "Carlton".
2. You rember when girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
3. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
4. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
5. Two words: Hammer Pants.
6. You watched "Fraggle Rock ".
7. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and "spokey-dokes" or playing cards on your bike wheel spokes for that incredible sound effect.
8. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales ". (Woo ooh!)
9. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
10. You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen... and still know the turtles names.
15. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
16. You wore stonewashed Jordache jeans and jean jackets and were proud of it.
17. You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing " and all the Ramona books.
18. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
19. You remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
20. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail Kids in the schoolyard.
21. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
22. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
23. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!"
24. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - "You Give Love a Bad Name". 25. You went to a roller skating rink before there were inline skates.
26. You owned a bannana clip.
27. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
28. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"
29. You remember Wendy's "Where's the Beef?" ad campaign.
30. You're still humming "shot through the heart...and you're to blame..." aren't you?!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Top 10 Rejected New Fall TV Shows
10. Trading Infections - People with various diseases rub open wounds on each other. Whoever survives, wins.
9. Red Green's Anatomy - Red Green gets naked and explores his anatomy.
8. America's Next Top Kiss Ass - The best brown-nosers vie for a mediocre job.
7. Law and Order: Special Ed Unit - Mentally challenged adults try to solve crimes, but instead get frustrated and bang their heads on tables.
6. L3tt3rs - An English professor uses his knowledge of grammar and Shakespeare to solve crimes in Omaha.
5. Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition - NYC prostitutes get makeovers then star on the next season of The Bachelor.
4. Lost: Sahara - Ten survivors of a Saharan plane crash slowly die of hunger and dehydration.
3. CSI: Akron - Crime scene investigators solve their toughest cases yet in this glitzy and glamorous city.
2. Deal, No Deal, or Sex with the Woman Holding the Briefcase - What will these men do? Will they take the money and run, or will they take their chances with the hotties holding the case.
1. America's Fattest Losers - Stand up comedians poke fun at fatties until they cry. The comedian who gets them to cry first wins.
10. Trading Infections - People with various diseases rub open wounds on each other. Whoever survives, wins.
9. Red Green's Anatomy - Red Green gets naked and explores his anatomy.
8. America's Next Top Kiss Ass - The best brown-nosers vie for a mediocre job.
7. Law and Order: Special Ed Unit - Mentally challenged adults try to solve crimes, but instead get frustrated and bang their heads on tables.
6. L3tt3rs - An English professor uses his knowledge of grammar and Shakespeare to solve crimes in Omaha.
5. Extreme Makeover: Whore Edition - NYC prostitutes get makeovers then star on the next season of The Bachelor.
4. Lost: Sahara - Ten survivors of a Saharan plane crash slowly die of hunger and dehydration.
3. CSI: Akron - Crime scene investigators solve their toughest cases yet in this glitzy and glamorous city.
2. Deal, No Deal, or Sex with the Woman Holding the Briefcase - What will these men do? Will they take the money and run, or will they take their chances with the hotties holding the case.
1. America's Fattest Losers - Stand up comedians poke fun at fatties until they cry. The comedian who gets them to cry first wins.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Kids Say The Darndest Things
Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute, very enlightening, and amusing.
What Is The Proper Age To Get Married?
"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)
What Do Most People Do On A Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she will want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
Concerning Why Love Happens Between Two People:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
On What Falling In Love Is Like:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long a time to learn." (Leo, 7)
On The Role Of Good Looks In Love And Romance:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary,7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
Concerning Why Lovers Often Hold Hands:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)
Confidential Opinions About Love:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."(Ava, 8)
Some Surefire Ways To Make A Person Fall In Love With You:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
How Can You Tell If Two Adults Eating Dinner At A Restaurant Are In Love?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)
What Most People Are Thinking When They Say "I Love You":
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
How A Person Learns To Kiss:
"You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
When Is It Okay To Kiss Someone?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you.... that's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
How To Make Love Endure:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name . . . that will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)
Monday, August 2, 2010
Top 10 Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
Filed in: Funny Lists, Jokes, Work Jokes
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
5. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands!"
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
1. "Amen"
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Had a great weekend with my girls and now I have to actually get back to work! YUK!! Have a restful day before the work week starts!!
The F-word
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it's sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very few words with the versatility of "Fuck."
Besides it's sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
It can be used in an anatomical description ---- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time ---- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business ---- "How did I end up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal ---- as in "Motherfucker."
Famous F-word Quotes:
"What the fuck was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" -- General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" -- Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun." -- John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" -- Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." -- Anne Boleyn
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" -- Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" -- Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" -- Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." -- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." -- John F. Kennedy
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