Diet Rules For Cheaters


If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE:

Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

Expressions For Women On High-Stress Days


1. You - off my planet.

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

5. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be?

6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

7. Allow me to introduce my selves.

8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

10. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you weren't asleep.

13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

18. Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?

19. Chaos, panic + disorder - my work here is done.

You Know It's Time To Go Home When...


1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.

2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.

3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.

4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.

6. You start crying.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. You've forgotten where you live.

12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.

14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.

15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."

16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).

19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.

Why ask Why


Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why do noses run and feet smell?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

You've Had Too Much Coffee When...


Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You watch videos in fast-forward.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You've worn the finish off you coffee table.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.

You're so wired you pick up FM radio.

Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."

Instant coffee takes too long.

You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.

You name your cats Cream and Sugar.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

What's Your Sign?


What's Your Sign?
And how many of you does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus:
One, but just *try* to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini:
Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo:
Leo's don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a
Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra:
Umm, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

Scorpio:
That secret information can only be shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Capricorn:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....

Pisces:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

New Inventions By Blondes


A book on how to read.

Inflatable dart boards

Reuseable ice cubes

The water-proof towel

Zero proof alcohol

Mechanical Pencil sharpeners

Rolls Royce pickup truck

Turnip ice cream

Pedal-powered wheel chairs

See-through toilet tissue

Watermelon seed sorter

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Powdered water

Submarine screen doors

Waterproof tea bags

107 Reasons Beer is better than Women


1. You can enjoy a BEER all month.
2. BEER stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a BEER.
4. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car.
5. When BEER goes flat you toss it out.
6. BEER is never late.
7. HANGOVERS go away.
8. A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER.
9. BEER labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER.
11. BEER never has a headache.
12. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime.
13. A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath.
14. If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head.
15. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty.
16. A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy.
17. You can share a BEER with your friends.
18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER.
19. A BEER is always wet.
20. BEER doesn't demand equality.
21. A BEER doesn't care when you come.
22. You can have a BEER in public.
23. A frigid BEER is a good BEER.
24. You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good.
25. BEER always comes in multiples of six.
26. BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER.
28. After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle.
29. A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty.
30. When your BEER is gone, you just pop another.
31. You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod.
32. BEER looks the same in the morning.
33. BEER doesn't look you up in a month.
34. BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in.
35. BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids.
36. BEER doesn't get cramps.
37. BEER doesn't have a mother.
38. BEER doesn't have morals.
39. BEER doesn't go crazy once a month.
40. BEER always listens and never argues.
41. BEER labels don't go out of style every year.
42. BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles.
43. BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet.
44. BEER doesn't demand legality.
45. BEER is never overweight.
46. If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony.
47. BEER won't run off with your credit cards.
48. BEER doesn't have a lawyer.
49. BEER doesn't need much closet space.
50. BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
51. BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive.
52. BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
53. BEER never changes its mind.
54. BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
55. BEER never asks you to change the station.
56. BEER doesn't make you go shopping.
57. BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
58. BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
59. BEER is always easy to pick up.
60. Big, fat BEERs are nice to have.
61. BEER doesn't pout or play games.
62. BEER NEVER says no.
63. BEER is easy to get into.
64. BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.
65. BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs.
66. BEER doesn't wear a bra.
67. BEER doesn't mind getting dirty.
68. BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity.
69. BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper.
70. BEER doesn't live with its mother.
71. BEER doesn't blow you off.
72. BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
73. BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
74. BEER doesn't mind football season.
75. A BEER won't make you go to church.
76. A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
77. A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
78. A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
79. A BEER doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other BEERs around.
80. A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials wit babies are "cute".
81. If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
82. A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".
83. A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station.
84. A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
85. A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.
86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
87. A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
88. A BEER won't smoke in your car.
89. A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between
shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and
blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
90. A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
91. A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
92. A BEER is always ready to leave on time.
93. A BEER never fishes for compliments.
94. Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
95. BEER tastes *good*.
96. If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape".
97. A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
98. An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
99. A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.
100. A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of it.
101. A BEER won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League.
102. A BEER won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
103. A BEER will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
104. A BEER will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
105. A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".
106. A BEER won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment.
107. When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesn't make you ill.

Some Really Cool Thoughts


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

What do they do with all the American flags when a state is added? They can't burn em.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Who wakes up the wakeup-call guy?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

How funny would phones look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears?

The Computer belongs to a Redneck if...


1. The mouse is referred to as a critter.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-Rom drive.

4. There is a gunrack mounted to the CPU.

5. The password is "Bubba."

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.

8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.

9. The extra RAM slots have parts for a '76 Dodge Aspen installed in them.

10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.

11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wav's.

12. The monitor is up on blocks.

13. Seven blue tick hounds under the computer desk.

14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.

15. The screen saver consists of Ned Beatty with the dueling banjos playing in the background

16. The six front keys have rotted out.

17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.

18. The only games installed on the computer are "Deer Hunting" and "Bass Fishing with Babe Winkleman"

19. Bumper stickers on the side of the tower stating "I brake for nobody"

20. Copy of his lawsuit against the makers of "Redneck Rampage" claiming that he and his brother never did such a thing.

Genuine Driving Test Answers


The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. (In other words the Saturday morning traffic school for moving violation offenders.)


Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate number.


Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."


Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.


Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.


Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.


Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.


Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.


Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.


Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.


Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long.

Things Adults learn from Kids


1 There is no such thing as child-proofing your house

2 If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite

3 A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant

4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape

5 It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room

6 Baseballs make marks on ceilings

7 You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on

8 When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit

9 A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

10 The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan

11 When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late

12 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it

13 A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies

14 A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day

15 If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes

16 A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep

17 Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old

18 Duplos will not

19 Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence

20 Super glue is forever

21 McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know

22 Ditto Tarzan

23 No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water

24 Pool filters do not like Jello

25 VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do

26 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes

27 Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving

28 You probably do not want to know what that odor is

29 Always look in the oven before you turn it on

30 Plastic toys do not like ovens

31 The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time

32 The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy

33 It will however make cats dizzy

34 Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry

36 A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (mostly in retrospect)

New Inventions By Blondes


A book on how to read.

Inflatable dart boards

Reuseable ice cubes

The water-proof towel

Zero proof alcohol

Mechanical Pencil sharpeners

Rolls Royce pickup truck

Turnip ice cream

Pedal-powered wheel chairs

See-through toilet tissue

Watermelon seed sorter

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Powdered water

Submarine screen doors

Waterproof tea bags

Thoughts to Help you Through any Crisis


1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.

Top 15 Complaints of a Modern Day Vampire


15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"

10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.

8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.

6. No warm blood for miles around DC.

5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."

2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

Why ask Why


Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why do noses run and feet smell?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

New State Mottos


Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona: Dehyd-rific!

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: Please Call Before Visiting So We Can Make Room

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Gateway to Iowa

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: For Sale

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Se Hablo Ingles

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin: Come To Cut Some Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?

Obnoxious Things To Do The Pool


Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.

Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

Hit strangers with your flutter board.

Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.

Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''

Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

Swim near a stranger and go ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.''

Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''

Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.

Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.

Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.

Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around.

Hit strangers with your wet towel.

Throw people's things into the pool.

Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale.

Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

Things That Guys Wished Girls Knew


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.

3. Birthdays, Valentines' Day and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. Get rid of your cat. No, it's not different. It's just like every other cat.

7. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

8. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad probably is too.

9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

10. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

12. A headache that lasts 7 months is a problem. See a doctor.

13. Your mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

14. Have the oil checked.

15. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take "the quiz" from Cosmo together.

16. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 24 hours.

17. If you don't like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

19. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

20. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done. Not both.

21. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

22. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

23. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and its not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

24. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

25. Anyone can buy condoms.

Top Warning Signs of Insanity


-Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

-Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

-You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

-You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

-Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve
yourself on it.

-You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
evil dandruff spirits.

-You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
setting fire to his lawn decorations.

-Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

-People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

-Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

-You laugh out loud during funerals.

-When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

-Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.

-You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one
day seek revenge.

-You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

-Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
little illusion.

-You collect dead windowsill flies.

-Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

-You like cats. Especially with mayo.

-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.

-You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.

-You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
weren't rescued.

-You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

-Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

-You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

-You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.

-Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on
it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

-Melba toast excites you.

The Benefits of Growing Older


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

9. Things you buy now won't wear out.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.