Things You Don't Want To Hear Your Pilot Say Funny 1. "The union president called - he said the pilots' strike starts IMMEDIATELY." 2. "We'll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get there." 3. "My name is Forrest Gump - people call me Forrest Gump." 4. "Hey, Jim, do you remember where we're going?" 5. "Buckle your seat belt - I'm going to try something I saw in a cartoon." 6. "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie..." 7. "Wow, we're sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second engine!" 8. "Only 500 more flight hours, and I'll get my license!" 9. "They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?" 10. "TODAY WE DIE FOR ALLAH!"

Winners of the Brainless Olympics Funny AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence... Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up... An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts... A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy... Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs. A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman MikeCarey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody... A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder. A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Rejection Lines Given By Women Funny Rejection Lines Given By Women (and What They Mean) I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.) I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest jerk I've ever laid eyes upon.) My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's ice cream). I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

The Poopie List Top Ghost poopie: the kind where you feel the poopie come out, but the toilet like magic is clean! Clean Poopie: the kind where you poopie, it comes out, you see it in the toilet, you know it's there, but you wipe clean. Wet Poopie: the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped. Second Wave Poopie: this happens when you're done, you stand up, pull your pants up to your knees, and you realize glory is commin' again! "Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead" Poopie: this is the kind where you strain so hard to get it out you practically have a stroke. Lincoln Log Poopie: the kind of that is so HUGE you're afraid to flush it without the plunger handy. The Suprise Poopie: you're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but oops!...wrong..... its a poopie! Corn Poopie: now this is self-explanatory. Drinker's Poopie: this kind you have the morning after drinking. Note: it's two most noticeable traits are...A) its fowl odor, forget the match...a blow- torch wouldn't even cut this stench!.....B) it's the skid marks it leaves at the bottom of your toilet for the next four days of flushing! "Gee-I-Wish-I-Could" Poopie: with this kind you hear yourself chanting over and over.. "i think i can, i think i can". you want to poopie, you know you need to poopie, but you find yourself sitting there til your face is red, you've read 2 novels, and seat marks are left on your butt cheeks, only to smell a couple of whimpy ole farts. The Spinal Tap Poopie: this is where it hurts so bad you swear the stuff is coming out of you sideways! Wet Cheeks Poopie: (aka: THE POWER DUMP!) the kind that comes out with such force, your cheeks get splashed with the water. Liquid Poopie: yellowish-brownish, burning juice....need i say more? Three-Alarm Poopie: smells so bad you do the courtesy flush three times and it still burns your nose.the neighbors four blocks down the road call the gas company to see if there is a leak! Upper-Class Poopie: the kind that, much to your suprise, doesnt smell. in fact you are amazed by the pleasent, fruity smell that has filled the room! Gassey Poopie: poopie so noisy, moc-1 doesnt have a thing on it! and finally...the best...LMAO! The Dangling Poopie: the poopie that, no matter how much you shake and shake, refuses to drop into the toilet!!!!!

Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary Funny "Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass." "I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor." {any guy who claims to be 'really romantic' likely already has a boyfriend of his own...} "I need you" == "My hand is tired." "I am different from all the other guys" == "I had an accident in The War." "I want a commitment." == "I'm getting evicted on Friday." "You're the only girl I've ever cared about" == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." {either that, or he just broke up with his last 'only love' a few days ago} "I really want to get to know you better." == "So I can tell my friends about it." {yes ladies -- guys brag about their conquests, but you gals do too!} "It's just orange juice, try it." == "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." {if she's a blonde, that's perfect!! } "She's kinda cute." == "I want to have sex with her till I am blue." {that's an interesting comment ... do any particular parts turn blue regularly?? you might want to have a doctor look at that!!} "I don't know if I like her" == "She won't sleep with me." "I miss you so much" == "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." {and the roommate works on a sheep farm, so my other options aren't very attractive...} "Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood." {also called the 'did you notice??' response} "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" == "Don't make jokes about Mr. Happy!!" "I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?" "Do you really love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out." {oh, she'll find out guy ... trust me!! sooner or later, you're doomed...} "I have something to tell you." == "Get tested." {I had a phriend who once picked up the phone to hear no sound other than someone clapping their hands next to the receiver. Shure enough, he had it -- the 'clap', that is. Whew -- that'll ruin your day!!} "I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." {Guys, when you get that line, just go ahead and erase them from your address book...} "I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." "I think we should just be friends." == "Your ugly." {Either that, or she's found someone else who hoists that Tent Pole of Love just a bit more robustly in the Carnival of Love ... if you get my drift. I'll betcha $10 that he's got a shaved head, and more tattoos than teeth; wanna bet?? } "I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!"

The Benefits of Growing Older

Funny

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

9. Things you buy now won't wear out.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Diet Rules For Cheaters

Funny

If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.

Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE:

Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.