The F-word
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word "Fuck." It is the one magical word, which, just by it's sound describes pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "Fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (Mary doesn't really give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is really fucking interested in John); and as a noun, (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you see, there are very few words with the versatility of "Fuck."

Besides it's sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

It can be used in an anatomical description ---- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time ---- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business ---- "How did I end up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal ---- as in "Motherfucker."

Famous F-word Quotes:
"What the fuck was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" -- General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" -- Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun." -- John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" -- Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." -- Anne Boleyn
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" -- Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" -- Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" -- Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." -- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." -- John F. Kennedy

The mind boggles at the many creative uses of the word FUCK! Use it regularly in your daily speech. It will add to your prestige

It has been such a long week!


Funny one-liners, short jokes and sayings that that would look great on a t-shirt or bumpersticker.

... yes, but not the inclination.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A cynic's work is never done.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.

A real friend isn't someone you use and throw away. A real friend is someone you use again and again.

A splendid combination of talent and trouble...

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

Actually, he's more of a party mineral.

Adult child of alien invaders.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Advice is worth what you paid for it.

Against stupidity, the gods themselves struggle in vain.

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

All men are animals, some just make better pets

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Allow me to introduce myselves.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest - Mark Twain

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

And on the 8th day, God sobered up.

And which dwarf are you?

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day- to-day living that wears you out - Chekhov.

Any mental functions attempted in this area must be re-evaluated during a subsequent period. It has been discovered that standard logic works sideways in this area due to the influence of the occupant.

Any reform must be accounted a success which does not have an effect exactly the opposite of that intended.

Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.

Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Anything worth not doing is worth not doing well.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

As far as I'm concerned, all phone calls are obscene.

Ask a silly person, get a silly answer.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

Axe me about Ebonics

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Back off! You're standing in my aura.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime - Balzac

Being weird isn't enough.

Better living through denial.

Blessed are the cheesemakers??

Blithering Genius

Borrow money from pessimists... they don't expect it back.

Brain damage is what we were after-- chromosome damage was just gravy.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

Careful, I may be someone important.

Caution - I was not hired for my disposition.

Caution: Contents under pressure.

Change is inevitable.... except from vending machines.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Cynic: A person who has an accurate view of the world. Optimist: A cynic in the making. Pessimist: A cynic with a vivid memory

Cynic: n. Someone who sees things the way they really are.

Dare to think for yourself

Death or compliance - now that's not too much to ask for, is it?

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Department of Redundancy Department

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Desperately clinging to utopian illusions

Devious, cunning and inventive.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

Does the noise in my head bother you?

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Dogs think they're human. Cats think they're gods.

Dole for Pineapple.

Don't be stupid. We have the Religious Right for that.

Don't believe everything you're told.

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Don't eat vegetables because insects use them as their love pads, and who knows what kind of STDs They're carrying.

Don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

Don't mind me--I'll just bleed.

Don't panic. They'll all be Taken Care Of.

Don't put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today.

Don't take life seriously -- it isn't permanent.

Don't try to engage my enthusiasm--I haven't got one.

Don't try to outweird me--I get stranger things then you free with my breakfast cereal.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)

Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

Don't you look at me in that tone of voice.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Dyslexics of the world - untie!

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Earth is full. Go home.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Either I've been missing something, or nothing has been going on.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Ever get the impression that most netsurfers are actually monkeys searching for Shakespeare?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

Every organization appears to be headed by the secret agents of its enemies.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Everyone is a damn fool for at least 5 minutes a day; wisdom consists of not exceeding the limit.

Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

Everytime I find the meaning of life, they change it.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop.

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Forms follow function. And often obliterates it.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Give him a penny for him thoughts, you'll get change.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.

Go on and try it. The worst you can do it make a fool of yourself in front of all your friends.

Go, and never darken my towels again - Groucho Marx

Gone crazy, be back shortly.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil - Machiavelli

Have an adequate day.

Have whatever kind of day you want.

He has a room temperature IQ.

He has delusions of adequacy.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.

He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Heart attacks...god's revenge for eating his animal friends

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born.

Honest is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense.

How about never? Is never good for you?

How can there be incompetence in the world? They don't teach it in schools.

How do I know you're not one of them?

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand ...

Humpty Dumpty was pushed

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I am glad the Old Masters are all dead. I only wish they had died sooner - Mark Twain

I am not a monotheist -- the world looks as though it were designed by a committee.

I am the Imp of the Perverse - Knowing this won't help you, either.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

I can see through your clothes

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

I could say something brilliant at any moment!

I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I don't have burnout, but I'm slightly singed.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know...

I don't like where this syllogism is going.

I don't need you, you know--I can be lonely all by myself.

I don't need your attitude, I have my own.

I don't see you, so don't pretend to be there.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I don't work here; I'm a consultant.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I have animal magnetism. When I go outside, squirrels stick to my clothes

I have no intention of telling you my real name

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I have the body of a god .... Buddha

I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

I know it all, I just can't remember it simultaneously.

I like the way your mind malfunctions.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I lost my virginity, but I still have the box it came in.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I love mankind--It's people I can't stand.

I never believe anything until it's been officially denied.

I never give people hell. I just tell them the truth and they think it's hell.

I no longer fear hell -- I've worked in Retail.

I plead contemporary insanity.

I prefer to remain anomalous.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I souport publik edekasion

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I think - therefore I don't listen to Rush Limbaugh

I think my brain has a mind of its own.

I think, therefore I'm dangerous.

I think we met in a past life and you were a dipstick then too.

I think you left the stove on.

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I tried being reasonable once--I didn't like it.

I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

I was born weird -- this terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma.

I was raised to be charming, not sincere.

I was stupid, I was expendable, and here I am.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I'd like to speak with your inner baby-sitter.

I'd rather be dead.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I'm lost. I've gone to Look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm not depressed, I'm existentially challenged.

I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.

I'm not obnoxious, I'm verbally challenging.

I'm not panicking. I'm watching you panic. It's much more entertaining.

I'm not shy -- I'm studying my prey.

I'm not tense -- just terribly alert.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I'm passing directly from barbarism to decadence...

I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.

I've had fun before. This isn't it.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If all else fails, lower your standards.

If all else fails, read the directions.

If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice week.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If it doesn't feel good - don't do it twice.

If only the innocents knew...

If only there was some indication that the universe was doing it on purpose.

If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

If the music's too loud, you're too old

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If we quit voting will they all go away?

If you can't dress weird, why dress at all?

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

If you take me where I want to go, I'll take you where you think we are.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments

If you're going down in flames, you might as well hit something big.

If you're going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing a seat belt.

If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.

Illiterate? Write for help

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Is it weird in here or is it me?

Is there a meaning to life? Sure, but it probably has something to do with corned beef.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

It is only trifles that irritate my nerves--Queen Victoria

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

It's a condescending thing, Dear. You wouldn't understand.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

It's been lovely but I have to scream now

It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

It's hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

It's not who wins or loses, it's who keeps score.

It's ok to do the right thing as long as you don't get caught.

It's polite to wait until you're asked.

Stressed Out
If you're stressing out, here are some comments you can use to help articulate your mood to others...

1. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

2. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

3. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes
on my cat.

4. And your cry baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

5. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

7. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

8. Earth is full. Go home.

9. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

10. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

11. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

13. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

14. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

15. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

16. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

17. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

18. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

19. Is it time for your medication or mine?

20. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

21. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Have a beer!
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella

Non-Drinker: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
--Timothy Walsh

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--Anonymous

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

All right, Brain, I don't like you... and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
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Downsides to Buying Sperm Over the Internet

12. "To purchase our official applicator/turkey baster for an additional $6.99, click here."

11. After your purchase, you keep getting junk email with the subject "MAKE BABIES FAST!!!"

10. "Marketing Manager" keeps calling to offer "free home delivery."

9. Does the real Stephen Hawking even *have* an AOL account?

8. All of the "product" originates from Cheech, a middle-aged landfill manager who likes to login to the teenage girls chatroom as Buffy15.

7. Donors from yahoo.com are just that.

6. They send you a blue dress and tell you to start scraping.

5. Greater than 75% chance of getting a Top 5 List contributor.

4. No way to know if what you're bidding on is new or refurbished.

3. Unless you live in a city with an NBA franchise, nobody will believe you actually "hooked-up" with Shawn Kemp.

2. No way to verify that Ernest Borgnine is indeed the donor.

1. Now there's a coincidence -- mine *also* came with a presidential seal.

Sorry to all those who have been emailing me because I have not been able to post! Sick kids and sick friends have been a top priority. Now I think I want to bury my head in the sand and wait for winter!




Actual Newpaper Ads

These ads supposedly appeared in real papers.

"Bite the wax tadpole." - Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." - ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." - Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." - correction printed in The Daily Californian

Funny Classifieds
Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children = $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Free Beer!!...Tomorrow.

A Cowboy's Guide to Life
Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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At the hospital with a friend! Sorry no posts on Friday, taking care of her! Funny thing morphine is! She thought that the were frickin' leprechauns on her feet last night! Laughed so hard I almost peed myself!


Rules of Chocolate

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.

But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Parent's Dictionary


Amnesia:
condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Dumbwaiter:
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning:
the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback:
the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name:
what you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents:
the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay:
what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable:
a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent:
how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Ow:
the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Prenatal:
when your life was still somewhat your own.

Puddle:
a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off:
a child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize:
what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Top Bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning:
when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal:
able to whine in words.

Whodunit:
none of the kids that live in your house.

A Women's Glossary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Job Advertisment Glossary


APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless and heterosexual (and remain that way).

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM:
We have no time to train you.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SON!! Yes I am feeling old today!! My baby is 11!! I used to love it when they were all about mom and dad, we were their best friends! Now I am lucky if I get a hug! sniff sniff! Soon he will have a little girl friend who will break his heart and I will have to cut hers out. The circle of life, isn't it grand!




What Your Car Says About You



Acura Integra -- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars

Acura Legend -- I'm too bland for German cars

Acura NSX -- I am impotent

Audi 90 -- I enjoy putting out engine fires

Buick Park Avenue -- I am older than 34 of the 50 states

Cadillac Eldorado -- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman

Cadillac Seville -- I am a pimp

Chevrolet Camaro -- I enjoy beating up people

Chevrolet Chevette -- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette

Chevrolet Corvette -- I'm in a mid-life crisis

Chevrolet El Camino -- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government

Chrysler Cordoba -- I dig the rich Corinthian leather

Datsun 280Z -- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well

Dodge Dart -- I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower

Dodge Daytona -- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car

Ford Fairmont -- (See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang -- I slow down to 85 in school zones

Ford Crown Victoria -- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them

Geo Storm -- I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker -- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda del Sol -- I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all

Honda Civic -- I have just graduated and have no credit

Honda Accord -- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

Infiniti Q45 -- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse -- I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6 -- I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

Kia Sephia -- I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.

Lincoln Town Car -- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers

Mercury Grand Marquis -- (See above)

Mercedes 500SL -- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph

Mercedes 560SEL -- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole

Mazda Miata -- I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler

MGB -- I am dating a mechanic

Mitsubishi Diamante -- I don't know what it means either

Nissan 300ZX -- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Oldsmobile Cutlass -- I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts

Peugeot 505 Diesel -- I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List

Plymouth Neon -- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena

Pontiac Trans AM -- I have a switchblade in my sock

Porsche 944 -- I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow -- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal

Saturn SC2 -- (See Honda Civic)

Subaru Legacy -- I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu

Toyota Camry -- I am still in the closet

Volkswagon Beetle -- I still watch Partridge Family reruns

Volkswagon Cabriolet -- I am out of the closet

Volkswagon Microbus -- I am tripping right now

Volvo 740 Wagon -- I am frightened of my wife

Good Morning!! I hope you all have a great day!



You Know You're Too Stressed If...
...relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

...you can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.

...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

...the Sun is too loud.

...trees begin chasing you.

...you can see individual air molecules vibrating.

...you begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

...you wonder if brewingis really a necessary step in the consumption of coffee.

...you can hear mimes.

...you believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

...things become "Very Clear."

...you ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

...you begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.

...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

...you keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room.

...your heart beats in 7/8 time.

...David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey! Can I film you?"

...you and Reality file for divorce.

...you can skip without a rope.

...it appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

...you have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

...you can travel without moving.

...antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

...you discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

...you begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

...teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

...you have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

...you say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

Seriously sorry for not posting sooner! I have been an little sick and whining in my chair!! My mom says I am good at it so I am convinced that I should be paid for being a big weenie! What an awesome job that would be!

Also I would be remiss if I did not add that I love my children alot, but at time I wonder if I really instilled the proper things in them when they were children. This morning my middle daughter, who is an air head I might add, jumped me before my morning coffee. There is a fire burning in the mountains of Colorado, it is pretty bad, when we went to bed last night it had destroyed dozens of homes. Apparently this morning they said it was moving toward an area that we know. Netherland Colorado has a wonderful ski are called Eldora. It is where my children all learned to ski and when we first went up there a few years ago my daughter became enthralled with a town festival called "Deadmans Day". There is a parade and alot of festivities int he community. We explained to the kids that they called it that because a man had died and requested to be frozen until such time there was a cure for the disease he had. He son pays for him to be frozen in a Tuff Shed somewhere in Netherland and they celebrate the day he died on March 15th. Crazy but true! So when I can down to get my morning coffee my daughter asked what they were going to do about the frozen dead guy? I really thought that the homes and people destroyed were really more important but she seemed very distraught over the frozen dead guy! I responded that they may have to change the name to frozen cremated dead guys day and she was not amused! I was!



Signs You Have Had Too Much Of The 90's
You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in a year.

You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.

Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date...and now sells for half the price you paid.

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

You consider second day air delivery painfully slow.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

September 6th

I hope you all had a Great Labor Day weekend!! Today should be a day of rest for all those who work! I, of course, do not and just hang out on the computer and talk to you all!! So I am going to post today in honor of all of you who have to work! I actually feel very sorry for all of you but I really must stress that people who are the homemakers of the world never get a day off and they should be acknowledged on Labor Day! Those women and men who take care of the children and their house are in some ways more important to us!! They are trying to ensure that there are only a minimal amount of serial killers raised in the country, for that we should be grateful!!!


Jail Vs. Work
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK ... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

The Laws of Work


A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would Wonder Woman handle this?"

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Stupid Quotes
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

Rejected Hallmark Greetings
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive....
Do you regret installing
Win 95?

You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?