Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary
"Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass."
"I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor." {any guy who claims to be 'really romantic' likely already has a boyfriend of his own...}
"I need you" == "My hand is tired."
"I am different from all the other guys" == "I had an accident in The War."
"I want a commitment." == "I'm getting evicted on Friday."
"You're the only girl I've ever cared about" == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." {either that, or he just broke up with his last 'only love' a few days ago}
"I really want to get to know you better." == "So I can tell my friends about it." {yes ladies -- guys brag about their conquests, but you gals do too!}
"It's just orange juice, try it." == "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." {if she's a blonde, that's perfect!! }
"She's kinda cute." == "I want to have sex with her till I am blue." {that's an interesting comment ... do any particular parts turn blue regularly?? you might want to have a doctor look at that!!}
"I don't know if I like her" == "She won't sleep with me."
"I miss you so much" == "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." {and the roommate works on a sheep farm, so my other options aren't very attractive...}
"Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood." {also called the 'did you notice??' response}
"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" == "Don't make jokes about Mr. Happy!!"
"I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?"
"Do you really love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out." {oh, she'll find out guy ... trust me!! sooner or later, you're doomed...}
"I have something to tell you." == "Get tested." {I had a phriend who once picked up the phone to hear no sound other than someone clapping their hands next to the receiver. Shure enough, he had it -- the 'clap', that is. Whew -- that'll ruin your day!!}
"I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." {Guys, when you get that line, just go ahead and erase them from your address book...}
"I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
"I think we should just be friends." == "Your ugly." {Either that, or she's found someone else who hoists that Tent Pole of Love just a bit more robustly in the Carnival of Love ... if you get my drift. I'll betcha $10 that he's got a shaved head, and more tattoos than teeth; wanna bet?? }
"I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!"
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Different Kinds Of Breasts
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts (you know who you are)
o o a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^)( ^) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(Q) pierced breasts
(p)(p) breasts w/hanging tassels
(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts (you know who you are)
o o a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^)( ^) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(Q) pierced breasts
(p)(p) breasts w/hanging tassels
(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The True Meaning of Friendship
1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining
6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.
7. When you are sick, ..stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining
6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.
7. When you are sick, ..stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Yes, I am finally back and coherent enough to blog!!
Rejection Lines Given By Women
Rejection Lines Given By Women (and What They Mean)
I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)
I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest jerk I've ever laid eyes upon.)
My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
I've got a boyfriend
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's ice cream).
I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar
system', much less the same building.)
It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)
I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
Rejection Lines Given By Women
Rejection Lines Given By Women (and What They Mean)
I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)
I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest jerk I've ever laid eyes upon.)
My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
I've got a boyfriend
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's ice cream).
I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar
system', much less the same building.)
It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)
I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Yes it is true..... I am going on VACATION!! Sorry no new post until monday!!
Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who cares who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin’ tonight.
Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who cares who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin’ tonight.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Benefits of Growing Older
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
3. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
4. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
7. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
8. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
9. Things you buy now won't wear out.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make Me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thoughts to Help you Through any Crisis
1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.
1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.
12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional...
1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.
12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional...
1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
You've Had Too Much Coffee When...
Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You watch videos in fast-forward.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You've worn the finish off you coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
Instant coffee takes too long.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You watch videos in fast-forward.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You've worn the finish off you coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
Instant coffee takes too long.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Fantasy Headlines
New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come.
Here are this year's winners:
Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses).
Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge (Cheryl Chapman).
Time travel to be discovered next year (J. White).
Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies are true (J. White).
Found--the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism (Stephen Thompson).
Water into wine--ancient catalyst rediscovered (Ray Heaton).
I learnt touch typing in utero, says fetus (Helena Petre).
Half-dead cat found in box--RSCPA seeks Austrian scientist (Peter Rowland).
Tony Blair cloned--regional assemblies to get one each (George Oldham).
"Dolly" Thatcher wins 10 seats in Parliament (Kevin Ennis).
Fleischman and Pons awarded Nobel prize (Kevin Ennis)
Mir operating manual discovered behind refrigerator in Moscow supermarket (Alastair Johnson).
The Universe stops expanding this week--keew siht gnidnapxe spots esrevinU ehT (Raymond Broersma).
Butterflies exterminated in Sumatra--"We WILL stop hurricanes," vows Clinton (Bonnie Ralph).
Genetically spliced yeast makes old malt whisky from remaindered books (Ronald Smith).
Meteorite hits lottery winner (Patrick Rowley).
Fermat's last memo discovered--"Sod the margin, look on the other side of the page" (Chris Moore).
Goodbye Dolly--biotechnology triumph mown down by tourist's car (Richard Collender).
"Face" on Mars proves to be optical illusion--NASA now investigating "vase" on Mars (Bruce Alcorn).
Immune system boosted by real ale (Gerald Leach).
Microsoft help helps (Mike Haslam).
"Guilt" gene isolated and destroyed--millions enjoy Christmas (Melissa Lewis)
New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come.
Here are this year's winners:
Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses).
Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge (Cheryl Chapman).
Time travel to be discovered next year (J. White).
Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies are true (J. White).
Found--the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism (Stephen Thompson).
Water into wine--ancient catalyst rediscovered (Ray Heaton).
I learnt touch typing in utero, says fetus (Helena Petre).
Half-dead cat found in box--RSCPA seeks Austrian scientist (Peter Rowland).
Tony Blair cloned--regional assemblies to get one each (George Oldham).
"Dolly" Thatcher wins 10 seats in Parliament (Kevin Ennis).
Fleischman and Pons awarded Nobel prize (Kevin Ennis)
Mir operating manual discovered behind refrigerator in Moscow supermarket (Alastair Johnson).
The Universe stops expanding this week--keew siht gnidnapxe spots esrevinU ehT (Raymond Broersma).
Butterflies exterminated in Sumatra--"We WILL stop hurricanes," vows Clinton (Bonnie Ralph).
Genetically spliced yeast makes old malt whisky from remaindered books (Ronald Smith).
Meteorite hits lottery winner (Patrick Rowley).
Fermat's last memo discovered--"Sod the margin, look on the other side of the page" (Chris Moore).
Goodbye Dolly--biotechnology triumph mown down by tourist's car (Richard Collender).
"Face" on Mars proves to be optical illusion--NASA now investigating "vase" on Mars (Bruce Alcorn).
Immune system boosted by real ale (Gerald Leach).
Microsoft help helps (Mike Haslam).
"Guilt" gene isolated and destroyed--millions enjoy Christmas (Melissa Lewis)
Monday, February 7, 2011
Things Adults learn from Kids
1 There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
2 If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
3 A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape
5 It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
6 Baseballs make marks on ceilings
7 You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
8 When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
9 A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10 The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
11 When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late
12 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
13 A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
14 A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
15 If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
16 A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
17 Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
18 Duplos will not
19 Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
20 Super glue is forever
21 McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
22 Ditto Tarzan
23 No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
24 Pool filters do not like Jello
25 VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
26 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
27 Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
28 You probably do not want to know what that odor is
29 Always look in the oven before you turn it on
30 Plastic toys do not like ovens
31 The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
32 The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
33 It will however make cats dizzy
34 Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
36 A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (mostly in retrospect)
1 There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
2 If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
3 A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape
5 It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
6 Baseballs make marks on ceilings
7 You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
8 When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
9 A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10 The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
11 When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late
12 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
13 A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
14 A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
15 If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
16 A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
17 Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
18 Duplos will not
19 Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
20 Super glue is forever
21 McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
22 Ditto Tarzan
23 No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
24 Pool filters do not like Jello
25 VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
26 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
27 Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
28 You probably do not want to know what that odor is
29 Always look in the oven before you turn it on
30 Plastic toys do not like ovens
31 The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
32 The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
33 It will however make cats dizzy
34 Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
36 A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (mostly in retrospect)
Friday, February 4, 2011
It's a Dog's Life
Daily Routine
The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else.
I. Mealtime
1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.
II. Everything Else
1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.
4. Personal Safety
A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.
B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.
5. Recreation and Leisure
A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.
a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
6. Health
A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.
Daily Routine
The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else.
I. Mealtime
1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.
II. Everything Else
1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.
4. Personal Safety
A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.
B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.
5. Recreation and Leisure
A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.
a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
6. Health
A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Philosophy Time
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
* Does fuzzy logic tickle?
* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
* I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
* If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly,is a fog horn made out of?
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above (below?) your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corrolary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
* When pie are squared you get Pop Tarts.
* I prefer the sign that says "No Entry" to the one that says "No Exit"
* It is unhealthy to live. He who lives, dies.
* Sometimes I feel like such an incredible nothing.
* It's funny how entertaining you can be to some people just by listening to them.
* Compact cars make people look bigger.
* No pleasure is enjoyed without some measure of pain.
* If you clap with one hand, will it make a sound?
* Less is more.
* The first condition of immortality is death.
* They can because they think they can.
* Think before you think.
* To be a leader, watch where others are headed then run out in front of them.
* Fear not that your life will end, but rather that it will never begin.
* Strangers are only friends we haven't met.
* That which we are, we are...
* Sure it's a cruel world, but where else is there to go.
* We are the people our parents warn us about.
* Some people think it's the holding on that makes us strong. Sometimes it's the letting go.
* Disclaimer: We have no wish to offend you unless you're a twit.
* If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
* Anarchy - It's not the law, it's just a good idea.
* The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
* It's not the principle of the thing. It's the money.
* Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
* All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
* Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
* Sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
* The breakfast of champions is the opposition.
* If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
* Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
* Always do right. This will gratify many people, and astonish the rest.
* Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you frantic.
* Decadence is its own reward.
* An honest politician is one who stays bought.
* Organize for anarchy!
* Circular definition: see "circular definition."
* Help! The paranoids are out to get me!
* According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
* I don't see you, so don't pretend you're there
* If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
* When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
* "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
* Does fuzzy logic tickle?
* If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
* I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
* If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly,is a fog horn made out of?
* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
* Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
* What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Whatever happened to Absorbine Senior?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above (below?) your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corrolary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
* When pie are squared you get Pop Tarts.
* I prefer the sign that says "No Entry" to the one that says "No Exit"
* It is unhealthy to live. He who lives, dies.
* Sometimes I feel like such an incredible nothing.
* It's funny how entertaining you can be to some people just by listening to them.
* Compact cars make people look bigger.
* No pleasure is enjoyed without some measure of pain.
* If you clap with one hand, will it make a sound?
* Less is more.
* The first condition of immortality is death.
* They can because they think they can.
* Think before you think.
* To be a leader, watch where others are headed then run out in front of them.
* Fear not that your life will end, but rather that it will never begin.
* Strangers are only friends we haven't met.
* That which we are, we are...
* Sure it's a cruel world, but where else is there to go.
* We are the people our parents warn us about.
* Some people think it's the holding on that makes us strong. Sometimes it's the letting go.
* Disclaimer: We have no wish to offend you unless you're a twit.
* If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
* Anarchy - It's not the law, it's just a good idea.
* The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
* It's not the principle of the thing. It's the money.
* Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
* All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
* Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
* Sincerity is the key. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
* The breakfast of champions is the opposition.
* If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
* Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
* Always do right. This will gratify many people, and astonish the rest.
* Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you frantic.
* Decadence is its own reward.
* An honest politician is one who stays bought.
* Organize for anarchy!
* Circular definition: see "circular definition."
* Help! The paranoids are out to get me!
* According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
* I don't see you, so don't pretend you're there
* If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
* When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
* "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
* Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Evil Overlord List
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
50 Reasons it's Great to be a Woman
1. Free drinks.
2. Free dinners.
3. Free movies (you get the point).
4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
7. Speeding ticket? What's that?
8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
10. If you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, you're not the devil.
11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud.
13. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
14. You can sleep your way to the top.
15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
17. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
18. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
19. Brad Pitt.
20. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
21. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.
22. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
23. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
24. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
25. If you think the person you're dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them.
26. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
27. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
28. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.
29. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
30. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
31. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
32. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
33. You have the ability to dress yourself.
34. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
35. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
36. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
37. If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.
38. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
39. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
40. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
41. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
42. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
43. You've never had a goatee.
44. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
45. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
46. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
47. You'll never discover you've been duped by a Wonderbra.
48. You don't have hair on your back.
49. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
50. You get to hate Pamela Anderson in the way only another woman truly can.
1. Free drinks.
2. Free dinners.
3. Free movies (you get the point).
4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
7. Speeding ticket? What's that?
8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
10. If you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, you're not the devil.
11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud.
13. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
14. You can sleep your way to the top.
15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
17. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
18. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
19. Brad Pitt.
20. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
21. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.
22. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
23. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
24. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
25. If you think the person you're dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them.
26. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
27. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
28. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.
29. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
30. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
31. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
32. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
33. You have the ability to dress yourself.
34. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
35. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
36. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
37. If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.
38. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
39. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
40. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
41. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
42. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
43. You've never had a goatee.
44. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
45. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
46. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
47. You'll never discover you've been duped by a Wonderbra.
48. You don't have hair on your back.
49. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
50. You get to hate Pamela Anderson in the way only another woman truly can.
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