How to be Annoying Funny * Tell your friends, four days prior to their party, that you can't attend because you're not in the mood. * Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars, to see if they slow down. * Practice making faxmodem noises. * If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. * Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". * Drum on every available surface. * Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape. * Sing the Batman theme incessantly. * Staple papers in the middle of the page. * Ask 800 operators for dates. * Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. * Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. * Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. * Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. * Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". * Set alarms for random times. * Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." * Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. * Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. * Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. * Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted. * Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. * Honk and wave to strangers. * Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. * Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. * Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. * Wear your pants backwards. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. * Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" * Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music". * Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape mode. * ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. * only type in lowercase. * don't use any punctuation either * Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. * Pay for your dinner with pennies. * Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. * Repeat everything someone says, as a question. * Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps. * Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. * Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." * Light road flares on a birthday cake. * Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. * Leave tips in Bolivian currency. * Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". * Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. * At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. * When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. * Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". * As much as possible, skip rather than walk. * Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. * Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. * Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?) * Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. * Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. * Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat. * Drive half a block. * Name your dog "Dog". * Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. * Ask people what gender they are. * Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." * Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. * Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. * Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot". * Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". * Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. * Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. * While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. * Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. * Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. * Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. * Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. * Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. * Chew on pens that you've borrowed. * Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. * Wear a LOT of cologne. * Ask to "interface" with someone. * Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing". * Sing along at the opera. * Mow your lawn with scissors. * At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!" * Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy". * Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". * Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. * Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". * Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't ricket." * Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture". * Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. * Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. * Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. * Never make eye contact. * Never break eye contact. * Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. * Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. * Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. * Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. * Holler random numbers while someone is counting. * Make appointments for the 31st of September. * Invite lots of people to other people's parties. * Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know. * Call in sick, then show up.