Funny Horoscopes

Jokes

Whether you take them seriously or not, everyone has looked at their horoscope from time to time. Here at DeepLake Jokes, we show you some of the more bizarre horoscopes!

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18. Stay focused. You're wasting way too many bullets!
Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20. Love is adventurous, so try something you've never tried before. Well, all right, maybe not with an animal from SeaWorld.

Aries Mar 21-Apr 19. You get more attention than you bargained for when the Eyewitness News Team does a feature on sleazy-out-of-the-way-motels-where-cheating-lovers-meet. Film at 11.

Taurus April 20 - May 20. Remember that funny mole on your arm that changed colors overnight and began to look like Abe Lincoln and you always meant to do something about it but never quite got the time? Don't bother. Really.

Gemini May 21-June 21. Low energy level this week means you should make friends with a cross country truck driver.

Cancer June 22-July 22. Someone is wishing they could play Michael Gelman to your Regis Philbin.

Leo July 23-Aug 22. That special item you bought at the garage sale for cheap makes a big change in your life when you're charged with having passed a counterfeit twenty dollar bill in order to buy it.

Virgo Aug 23-Sept 22. Watch the emotions this week when it comes to sexual relationships. With the Moon in Uranus (ouch!) you're practically a slut.

Libra Sept 23 - Oct 23. This is a good week to wear a disguise.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 21. Follow your heart. If you need help, the man in black with the Tattoo that says, "Death Rocks" has it in the backseat.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21. Parents or older relatives will try to meddle in your affairs. Since they have you in their will, just chill out.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19. Be confident this week in terms of making decisions. They'll be the wrong ones, of course, but make them with gusto!