Lists, Lists and more Lists II



There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.


Don't miss our original Lists Page
and our Third Lists Page


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Very short books
12 Things that would be different if Microsoft started building cars
Top Fifteen Signs your Webmaster is in a Cult
Things adults learn from kids
Top 6 Reasons Computers must be Female
The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay
Top 15 Jewish Country-Western Songs
Ten Things That Would Be Different If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay
If Microsoft Headquarters was in Alabama..
Top 10 Reasons Hanukkah is better than Christmas
30 Cruel Things to Say to a Naked Man
10 Ways to Tell You're in for a Bad Day
Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO
Top 50 Uses for Silly Putty
Top 10 Hillary Clinton Slogans for the US Senate
Top 10 Questions on the Bush Running Mate Application
Top 10 Changes With Lieberman as V.P.
Top 20 ways you know you're from Oklahoma
The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug"
16 Ways to prepare for Ski Season 12/15/2001
The top 10 Dr. Seuss Books rejected by his Publisher
Top 10 TV Shows in Iraq
26 Ways to Amuse Yourself
Top 15 Biblical Ways to Find a Wife
Top 10 Things Not to Say in Victoria's Secret
The Top 13 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional
Top 10 Things that sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't
7 Things you Won't Hear a Man Say
Top 40 Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say
25 Ways to Tell You're from NW Pennsylvania
12 More things you'll never hear a man say
Top 10 Signs Your Son is Too Old to Breast Feed
Top 10 Reasons John McCain Endorsed Bush
15 Inspirational Posters We'd Like to See
Top 10 Campaign Slogans for 2000
Top 10 Things Freshmen Can Expect From Their 1st Year of College



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Very short books

1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit: A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10) George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
11) French Hospitality
12) Bob Dole: The Wild Years
13) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
14) Mormon Divorce Lawyers
18) America's Most Popular Lawyers
21) The Amish Phone Book
22) Al Gore: The Wild Years
23) Easy UNIX
24) Everything Men Know About Women
25) Everything Women Know About Men
26) How to Keep a Virgin from Following You Around Afterwards
27) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
28) One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
29) Staple Your Way to Success
30) The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
31) Jewish Sports Heroes

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Twelve Things That Would Be Different if Microsoft Started Building Cars

1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before it.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die, for no apparent reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd accept this.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT. But then you'd be required to purchase extra seats.
5. Apple Automotive would make a car that was powered by the sun, self-repairing, twice as reliable, and three times as fast- but it would only run on 10% of roads.
6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
7. People would get excited about "new" features in Microsoft Cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
8. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
9. The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
11. After you bought your flashy new Winfire 95 sports car and found you couldn't drive it out of the showroom because it had square wheels, they wouldn't tell you how to change to round ones until you had gone home to fill out your new Winfire driver registration card.
12. Having finally changed to round wheels and got on the road, one day the round wheels fell off and the Microsoft Car Co. wanted you to pay a big bag of money up front before they would take your phone call to find out if wheel-falling-off problems were covered under warranty.

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Top Fifteen Signs your Webmaster is in a Cult

15 Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com.
14 Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott's... Stoli, Mott's...
13 He brings twenty-three wives to the office Holiday Party.
12 Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days to the apocalypse.
11 Suddenly your travel agency's site is featuring inter-planetary excursions for comet watching and one-way tickets to Guyana.
10 His home page says "Best viewed from the Mothership."
9 Your website's "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do stint handing out flowers at airport.
8 Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club's "Site of the Day."
7 She has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free.
6 Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "X-files" ends.
5 Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning to rescue the true believers.
4 Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one.
3 Big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles Manson.
2 He only answers to the name, "Doe-bert."

and the Number 1 Sign Your Webmaster is in a Cult...

1 Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut; lives in a mansion; has many followe... Hey, wait a minute! That's Bill Gates!!

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Things adults learn from kids

1 There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
2 If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite
3 A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant
4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape
5 It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
6 Baseballs make marks on ceilings
7 You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
8 When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit
9 A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10 The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan
11 When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late
12 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
13 A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
14 A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
15 If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes
16 A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
17 Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
18 Duplos will not
19 Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
20 Super glue is forever
21 McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
22 Ditto Tarzan
23 No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water
24 Pool filters do not like Jello
25 VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
26 Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
27 Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
28 You probably do not want to know what that odor is
29 Always look in the oven before you turn it on
30 Plastic toys do not like ovens
31 The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
32 The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
33 It will however make cats dizzy
34 Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
36 A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
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How things would be different if Microsoft Headquarters was in Alabama..

1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git"instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" and "Roll Tide".
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Sweet Home Alabama" followed by an introduction from Hank Williams (Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant.
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul D-".
11. Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag.
12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
14. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
15. "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..."
16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates -- 18. Direct link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page.
19. "Where's Waldo?" would be replaced with "Where's Elvis?".
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The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug"

15 IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.
14 "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.
13 At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
12 Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
11 Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.
10 Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
9 Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny.... Oops, too late.
8 Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.
7 Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
6 Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.
5 Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.
4 Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.
3 First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley".
2 Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.

and the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium Bug"...

1 Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.

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10 Ways to prepare for Ski Season

This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.

Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50
dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!


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The top six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.


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The top 10 Dr. Seuss Books rejected by his Publisher:

10. The Cat in the Microwave
9. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
8. Your Colon Can Moo--Can You?
7. The Fox in Detox
6. The Grinch's Ten Inches
5. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
4. Zippy the Gerbil
3. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
2. Who Shat in the Hat?
1. Horton Hires a Ho


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TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

1. Husseinfeld
2. Mad About Everything
3. Allah McBeal
4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
5. Achmed's Creek
6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
10. Suddenly Sanctions


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26 Ways to Amuse Yourself

Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
When someone says, "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
Make a list of things of things that you've already done.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Leaf through National Geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your boss' wife.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Drive to work in reverse.
Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of the Flintstones during that important finance meeting.
Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
Write a short story; using alphabet soup.
Lie on your back eating celery using your navel as a salt dipper.
Stare at people through the lines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Make up a language and ask people for directions.
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Top 15 Biblical Ways to Find a Wife.

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
(Deuteronomy 21:10-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
(Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
(Moses in Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
(Boaz in Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the woman comes out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjamites in Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.
(Adam in Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right, 14 years of toil for Mrs. Right.
(Jacob in Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
(David in I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. It's all relative, of course.
(Cain in Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
(Xerxes in Esther 2:3-3)
11. Kill my husband and take HIS wife (prepare to lose 4 sons, though).
(David in 2 Samuel 11)
12. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a woman. Now get her for me as a wife." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She is the one for me."
(Samson in Judges 14:1-3)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.
(Onan-Genesis 39:8)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
(Solomon 1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...not!!!
(Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:31-35)

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The Top 13 Reasons Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay

13. Fonzie: has an "office" in the men's room and always tells guys to "sit on it."
12. If you're drunk enough, "Homer Simpson" sounds kinda like "homosexual."
11. Popeye: Vegetarian. Bodybuilder. Dresses like one of the Village People. "Girlfriend" has no visible breasts. You connect the dots, Chester.
10. Batman & Robin: They caress a bust, which reveals a pole that they wrap themselves around and slide down which strips them of their clothes and puts them in rubber suits and... Okay, maybe Falwell's got something here.
9. Alex Trebek: Lives with his mom and knows *way* too much about Broadway Musicals and potpourri.
8. "Shhhh, be vewy vewy wightous! I'm hunting a naked opewa-wuving wabbit!"
7. Will from "Will & Grace": Not because the character is openly gay, but because if he were straight, he'd go by "Bill" and smoke cigars.
6. That Peter Jennings character on "ABC World News Tonight" is thin, neat and obsessed with the sex life of a guy named Bill.
5. Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble: Fur house dresses? C'mon!
4. Check the reruns closely: Woody lives up to his name whenever Norm walks into the bar.
3. The letters in "The Teletubbies" can be rearranged to read, "He bites eel butt."
2. "Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman"

and the Number 1 Reason Jerry Falwell Thinks Your Favorite TV Character is Gay...

1. David Hasselhoff: 147 episodes of "Baywatch" with nary an erection.

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Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

10. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo on it?
5. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me?
3. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
... And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's secret:
1. Does this come in children's sizes?

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Top 15 Jewish Country-Western Songs


1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
2. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? "
4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight"
5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
6. "Stand by Your Mensch"
7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
10. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"
11. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
12. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
13. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
14. "Why Don't We Get Drunk - We're Jews!"
15. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)
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Ten Things That Would Be Different If The 12 Apostles Had Been Gay:

The Last Supper would have been brunch.
The Beatitudes would start, "Fabulous are they..."
Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem screams for a production number, with ostrich feather palm fronds and a large oyster shell instead of just a donkey.
The water at the wedding feast of Canaan would not have been changed to wine, but extra dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color.
The temple would not only have been cleansed of moneychangers, but redecorated as well.
Mary's hair would have been Flawless.
The Gospels would be Mathew, Mark, Lance, and Bruce.
Priests would have torrid affairs with altar boys... wait.... Never mind.
Jesus would never wear white after Labor Day.
The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.
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The Top 13 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional


13. No more sunny breakfast nook, now the kitchen is a methamphetamine lab.
12. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
11. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.
10. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
9. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
8. Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation.
7. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
6. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.
5. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.
4. Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
3. Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
2. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.


and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional...

1. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.