Lists, Lists and more Lists III



There's a very amusing book out, titled:
750 Ways to Annoy People by W. Shaffer Fox. I met this very amusing man and bought a copy of his book as an exmuss gift recently -- and if you like these lists, you'll LOVE this book.


Don't miss our original Lists Page
And our second Lists Page


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Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant
Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped
Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate
Little Golden Books That Never Made It
23 Essential Truths
Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
The Benefits of Growing Older
Top 10 Reasons to go to Work Naked
Top Ten Signs Your Coworker Is a Computer Hacker
Last 10 Things Any Woman Would EVER Say
Last 10 Things Any Man Would EVER Say
Top Ten Rejected Valentine's Day Cards
Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Tattoo Parlor
Signs You Have Nothing to do at Work
Least-Known Facts About Saddam Hussein
Top 10 Places / Times Not to Get a Woody
Top Ten Reasons Oreos are Better Than Men
You Know You are Living in 2003 When...
10 Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is Slow
15 Things to do at Wal Mart Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much
George W. Bush Lists (on our 'dubbya' page)
You Know It's Time To Go Home When...
The Top 16 Favorite Movies of Jenna Bush
Ways to Annoy Your Bathroom Stall-Mate
Top Ten Black Plays Coming To A Theater Near You
If Microsoft Was Jewish...
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
Top 10 Signs You're Broke After Christmas
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
Top 10 WaysTo Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses
Top 10 Answers Men Would Like to Give
30 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
Signs That You Really Are Going Bald
25 Signs You've Grown Up
Top Ten Amish Buggy Bumper Stickers
Comments Overheard in 1957
Top 20 Signs She's Bored Having Sex With You
Top Ten Signs it's Monday



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Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant

1. I finished the Oreos.

2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!

4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!

5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.

6. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.

7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.

8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

11. Get your *own* ice cream.

12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.

13. Got milk ?

14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?

15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...

17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!

18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
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Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see
...in the 2000 Presidential election.

10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.

9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.

9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?

6. The Private Party... No comment.

5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?

4. The Search Party... Looking for members.

3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.

2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.

And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:

1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
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Top Twenty Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

...And The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped.

1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.
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Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung
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Top Ten Times the "F" Word was Appropriate

10) "What the *&%# was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" -- Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" --JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton
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Little Golden Books That Never Made It


1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
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9 Ways You Can Tell Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:

1 Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
2 Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.
3 Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
4 She refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on a first date."
5 You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
6 Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
7 Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
8 Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
9 Your cow quits the family dairy and applies for a job at Burger King.
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To All the Drunk Women: 20 Clues to Calling it a Night

You Know It's Time To Go Home When...

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.

2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies room.

3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.

4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.

6. You start crying.

7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.

9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. You've forgotten where you live.

12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.

14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.

15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."

16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).

19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

20. You start making-out with middle-eastern men on dance floors.


And another 20...

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.

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23 Essential Truths


1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.