Yep Vacation is over and I am back! Had an awesome time in Europe!! Diet Rules For Cheaters Funny If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

If Men woke up with a Vagina 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do the splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina.... 1. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!!!

Some Really Cool Thoughts Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? How do blind people know when they are done wiping? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. The older you get, the better you realize you were. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? What do they do with all the American flags when a state is added? They can't burn em. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? Who wakes up the wakeup-call guy? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? How funny would phones look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears?

Ways to prepare for Ski Season This is to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski. Ski season is here! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared: 16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use. 14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night. 13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses. 12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now. 11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things. 10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed. 7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line. 6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler. 4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes. 3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

15 Inspirational Posters We'd Like to See Funny 1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing everyone who opposed them. 2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. 3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. 6. Plagiarism saves time. 7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself. 9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves. 10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. 11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! 12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. 13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. 14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. 15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Why ask Why Funny Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why do noses run and feet smell? Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

The Computer belongs to a Redneck if... Funny 1. The mouse is referred to as a critter. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-Rom drive. 4. There is a gunrack mounted to the CPU. 5. The password is "Bubba." 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them. 8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast. 9. The extra RAM slots have parts for a '76 Dodge Aspen installed in them. 10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options. 11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wav's. 12. The monitor is up on blocks. 13. Seven blue tick hounds under the computer desk. 14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer. 15. The screen saver consists of Ned Beatty with the dueling banjos playing in the background 16. The six front keys have rotted out. 17. John Deere Pocket Protectors. 18. The only games installed on the computer are "Deer Hunting" and "Bass Fishing with Babe Winkleman" 19. Bumper stickers on the side of the tower stating "I brake for nobody" 20. Copy of his lawsuit against the makers of "Redneck Rampage" claiming that he and his brother never did such a thing.